Author Archives: Jim Goad

Jim Goad

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The Worst Week Yet:
February 28-March 6, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, School Daze, 2021.

2,228 words

Cartoon Skunk Accused of Normalizing Rape Culture

If you are familiar with the Looney Tunes cartoon character Pepé Le Pew, you’d know that he’s a lascivious skunk with a French accent who repeatedly mistakes a female cat for a female skunk and tries to date-rape her in various ways, always to no avail. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Responses
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White People Need to Start Fucking Again

Phil Eiger Newmann, Soy Boys, 2021.

1,329 words

As someone who was born at the tail end of the Baby Boom, I was raised in a world where white people popped out kids in numbers that would put modern Hispanics to shame.

My mother was one of eleven kids. My father was one of four. I was also one of four. The family in the brick row home to our left had a half-dozen. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 77 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
February 21-27, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, Stew Made with Heart, 2021.

1,795 words

All the Fine Black Cannibals

As a young white child growing up in a 90%-white country where white characters dominated the media, it was easy for a green saplin’ such as myself to conclude that the only two races in America were Cowboys and Injuns. I was vaguely aware of the existence of black people, but you hardly ever saw them on TV or in the movies — and if you saw them at all, half of the time they were depicted as cannibals boiling their human prey in a gigantic cauldron. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Responses
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Gender Reveal Parties:
The Real Domestic Terrorism

Phil Eiger Nemann, The G-Bomb, 2021.

1,705 words

I’d been vaguely and reluctantly aware of the term “gender reveal party” for years, and without bothering to look into it, I always presumed it was some wacky sort of shindig that trannies threw when they wanted to expose their shiny new $100,000 surgical cybernetic genitals to their friends, family, clergy, therapists, nieces, nephews, probation officers, and meth dealers. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 36 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
February 14-20, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, One Way Ticket, 2021.

1,514 words

It should be obvious to any sober observer that the main problem with black people is black people.

Even though it has been mathematically established that black Americans drain more money from the public cookie jar than they contribute to it, a pesky myth persists that they are somehow being cheated out of their “fair share” of America’s massive wealth. It has become a national article of faith that any possible economic disparities between Bantus and Euros can’t possibly be explained by the fact that intelligence testing consistently confirms that, by and large, blacks are a relatively dimwitted breed. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Responses
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Blazing Saddles Comes to Wyoming

Phil Eiger Newmann, The Nu Sheriff, 2021.

1,444 words

As a bookish kid holed up in my bedroom, I used to pore over the family copy of the World Book Atlas of the World and found my interest especially piqued by desolate and depopulated areas. I was drawn to Canada’s Northwest Territories and Wyoming in the USA — I remember being fascinated that Wyoming had entire towns with only five residents. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
February 7-13, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, Today’s Pressing Issues, 2021.

1,595 words

Not everyone hates the winter as much as I do — I’ve even argued that the primary impetus for European colonialism was the perfectly reasonable quest for warmer climes — but if you’re similar to me in this regard, with all due apologies to T. S. Eliot, April is not the cruelest month — February is. And apparently, a “major winter storm” will sock huge swaths of the USA this week. For me, the worst part of the year is that deep-frozen dark patch of dead somnolence between the Super Bowl and the blooming of the first tulips. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Responses
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Sympathy for the Gorilla Glue Girl

Phil Eiger Newmann, Glue Do, 2021.

1,470 words

It just had to be Gorilla Glue, didn’t it?

It wasn’t bad enough that this 40-year-old black mother of five was named “Tessica” or that, like 99.9% of black women, she’d obviously spent far more of her life obsessing over her hair Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , | 71 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
January 31-February 6, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, The George Floyd Diet, 2021.

1,608 words

If I had known George Floyd, I don’t think I would have liked him.

There’s a good chance he wouldn’t have liked me, either, and if you dislike me merely for saying I would have disliked him, I’ll take an immediate dislike to you, too.

What bothers me even more than you and George Floyd, though, is that it seems as if no one is ever going to SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT GEORGE FLOYD. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Responses
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Millions of Dead Rappers

Phil Eiger Newmann, Stumpy G, 2021.

1,375 words

After the Atlanta-based one-hit hip-hop wunderkind who goes by the silly name of “Silento” was arrested and charged last week with murdering his cousin, his publicist referred to him as a “beautiful soul.”

To clarify, she wasn’t talking about the murdered cousin. She was talking about his accused killer, 23-year-old Ricky Lamar Hawk, a recording artist specialized in urban mating songs of the primitive call-and-response type. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
January 24-30, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, A Jew Space Laser Destroying a Forest, 2021.

1,464 words

Joe Biden, who is widely acknowledged as the first senile cyborg plagiarist with artificially whitened teeth ever to hold the US presidency, has devised a unique and exciting plan to heal and unite a deeply wounded and divided nation: He intends to persecute everyone on the other side of the aisle until they are either dead, imprisoned, or permanently frightened into silence. With no opposition, there’s no conflict!

Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Responses
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Pillbilly Eulogy:
Kevin D. Williamson’s Big White Ghetto

1,421 words

Kevin D. Williamson
Big White Ghetto: Dead Broke, Stone-Cold Stupid, and High on Rage in the Dank Woolly Wilds of the “Real America”
Washington, DC: Regnery, 2020

Kevin D. Williamson is a guy who tries to look tough but in reality seems to be quite soft and fat. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
January 17-23, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, The Libotomy, 2021.

1,176 words

I attended the last presidential inauguration because I wanted to.

Even if I had wanted to, I couldn’t have attended the weird Carnival of Masked Corpses in DC this time around because I’m man enough to admit I am no match for 25,000 National Guardsmen Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 34 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
January 10-16, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, Think No Evil, 2021.

1,608 words

Watching footage from January 6th’s “Capitol Siege,” I saw oceans of American flags and Trump flags. I heard people screaming about democracy and a stolen election. I heard them chanting “Christ is King!” and “Four more years!” I saw what appeared to be a crowd composed mostly of boomers and soon-to-be-boomers yelping about how, every so often, the tree of liberty needs to be refreshed with the blood of tyrants.

Apparently I was hallucinating, because it was actually a white-power rally. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 37 Responses
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The Melanincompoop Theory

Phil Eiger Newmann, Melanin’s Deficiency, 2021.

1,266 words

Last week, doddering President-Elect Joe Biden nominated a black female lawyer named Kirsten Clarke to head the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division. Referring to the Brooklyn-born daughter of Jamaican immigrants as “one of the most distinguished civil rights attorneys in America,” the CIA robots who control Biden’s cyber-brain transmitted the following words through his thin, dry, cracked lips:

“The Civil Rights division represents the moral center of the Department of Justice. And the heart of that fundamental American ideal that we’re all created equal and all deserve to be treated equally.” Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 48 Responses
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Truth Doesn’t Win Wars

Phil Eiger Newmann, Walk of Shame, 2020.

1,836 words

I fell asleep early on Election Eve because I lost faith in the federal government — and the very idea that the United States was a sustainable nation — years ago. Ever since November 3, I’ve been disinterested in the issue of election fraud because I don’t think there’s much of an “America” that’s left to save. My gut feeling is that no matter who got elected president, we’re already well into a post-American phase and that the USA is a bankrupt and irredeemable enterprise. What good is one last round of chemo if the patient is already terminal? Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 81 Responses
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The Night the Whites Lost Clout in Georgia

Phil Eiger Newmann, Awed by Fraud, 2021

1,840 words

It’s Wednesday afternoon as I type this, and alleged Trump supporters — at least one of whom was toting a Confederate flag — have invaded the US Capitol building while Congress was certifying the electoral vote from 2020’s presidential election.

It’s a bittersweet image, Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , | 19 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
December 27, 2020-January 2, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, Victim Hood,

1,544 words

To be young and white in America right now is to walk through life with a black cloud hovering over your head with every word you utter and every step you take.

One major cultural shift over the past generation is that except for a few isolated hills and hollers in Appalachia and the Ozarks, there is effectively no such thing as “poor white culture” anymore. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 51 Responses
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Healing Racial Trauma with Magic Mushrooms

Phil Eiger Newmann, Shroom with a View, 2020.

1,259 words

Imagine repeatedly dosing yourself with the most potent psychedelics known to mankind and still seeing the world entirely in black and white.

Were you aware that BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color) have used natural psychedelic substances as psychological healing agents for thousands of years, only for the white man to barge in and muck up everything like he always does? Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , | 22 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
December 20-26, 2020

The Worst Week Yet: 2020, Year of Fear, by Phil Eiger Newmann

Phil Eiger Newmann, Year of Fear, 2020.

1,580 words

In the early 1970s, English comedian Peter Cook referred to vapid Hungarian actress Zsa Zsa Gabor as “the biggest non-event of the century.”

But that was the last century. This century’s biggest non-event, despite what they’ve been ceaselessly drilling into your brain with a trillion tiny digital jackhammers, is the myth of rampaging white racism. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 25 Responses
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600 Lumps of Coal

Slit wrist and a $600 stimulus check

Phil Eiger Newmann, Final Notice, 2020.

1,090 words

Apparently, Uncle Sam has decided to dress as Ebenezer Scrooge this Christmas.

I don’t know much about economics — if I did, I’d be a millionaire rather than a writer — but I know enough to realize that the US economy is wrecked beyond belief. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
December 13-19, 2020

Sen. David Perdue (R-GA) visits the Western Wall in Jerusalem, 2017.

1,744 words

Did you ever have a nightmare where, in the midst of enduring untold agonies, you were somehow able to realize it was a dream and thus rouse yourself from sleep?

That’s not the problem these days. These days, we all wake up into a nightmare.

They warn us to be careful what we wish for, but I can’t stop wishing I was paranoid, because paranoia would be preferable to every other option. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Responses
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Dog Lives Matter

Phil Eiger Newmann, The Reaper, 2020.

1,821 words

As someone whose formal training is in journalism and who also likes to pretend that journalism at least still exists somewhere — even as a concept — I’ve bitten my lip bloody for five years as this “Black Lives Matter” chant has grown both ubiquitous and deafening, but not once have I heard a reporter do his job and say:

Prove it.” Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 53 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
December 6-12, 2020

Phil Eiger Newmann, Any Day Now, 2020.

1,899 words

Since we live in a world dominated by white men — heck, even the rock-climbing world is “dominated by white men” — it’s odd to behold how openly hostile most of this world’s major institutions are toward white men.

Our objective news media has been warning us for years about the “far Right,” which is an extreme movement that is always on the rise and always threatening to erupt into cataclysmic violence, an ever-looming possibility that all People of Color must wrestle with, Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Responses
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Five Minutes with the Average Voter

Phil Eiger Newmann, The Arena, 2020.

1,431 words

Any belief, no matter how desperately well-intentioned, in the efficacy and wisdom of democracy depends on the fundamentally flawed notion that the average voter is anything loftier than an easily frightened and brainwashed lab rat. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
November 29-December 5, 2020

Phil Eiger Newmann, Plague Upon Your House, 2020.

1,601 words

Can we all secretly agree that they’re all secretly conspiring to publicly drive us all insane?

With so few of us agreeing on anything — and with some of us so conflicted that half the time, we don’t even agree with ourselves Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Responses
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Black Gorilla Crime Syndicates

Phil Eiger Newmann, Gorilla, 2020.

1,506 words

Maybe it’s because I’m a racist, but I get intrigued when I hear that a part-time rapper who calls himself “Casanova” gets indicted on federal charges along with 17 other members of a street gang calling itself “Untouchable Gorilla Stone Nation.”

Proof that I’m a racist is that I find it funny whenever black people refer to themselves as gorillas.

Casanova is the only member of his crew who at the moment is not in custody. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 44 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
November 22-28, 2020

Phil Eiger Newmann, Dancing for Dollars, 2020.

1,595 words

If white Americans kissed black America’s ass any harder, black America’s steatopygian ass would have a visible hickey — possibly even bleeding welts.

And yet the harder that white Americans try to appease blacks, blacks act less and less appeased.

While campaigning for the presidency in 2008, Barack Obama made a point of mentioning that he was black and that some people wouldn’t like the fact that he’s black. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 45 Responses
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A Totally Racist Thanksgiving

Phil Eiger Newmann, Red Lives Matter, 2020.

1,278 words

I’m not much of a holiday-celebratin’ guy, but if I had to pick my favorite, it would probably be Thanksgiving, and merely for the basic gustatory pleasures it provides. I could eat turkey, stuffing, and sweet potatoes three times a day for the rest of my life and never tire of it.

But as with everything these days, there are legions of carcinogenically bitter social-justice scolds who have made it their fundamental project to squeeze the fun out of everything as if they wake up every morning hoping to choke a baby piglet to death. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 31 Responses
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The Worst Week Yet:
November 15-21, 2020

Phil Eiger Newmann, Killjoy Was Here, 2020.

1,642 words

The nights grow long and dark and cold. I’ve often suspected that Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s are merely three sedatives we administer ourselves to collectively brace for the gaping black icy void in the months that follow when the sun never seems to shine and the plants refuse to grow. Read more …

Posted in North American New Right | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Responses
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