Author: Jim Goad

Phil Eiger Newmann, The Reaper, 2020.

1,821 words

As someone whose formal training is in journalism and who also likes to pretend that journalism at least still exists somewhere — even as a concept — I’ve bitten my lip bloody for five years as this “Black Lives Matter” chant has grown both ubiquitous and deafening, but not once have I heard a reporter do his job and say:

“Prove it.” (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Any Day Now, 2020.

1,899 words

Since we live in a world dominated by white men — heck, even the rock-climbing world is “dominated by white men” — it’s odd to behold how openly hostile most of this world’s major institutions are toward white men.

Our objective news media has been warning us for years about the “far Right,” which is an extreme movement that is always on the rise and always threatening to erupt into cataclysmic violence, an ever-looming possibility that all People of Color must wrestle with, (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, The Arena, 2020.

1,431 words

Any belief, no matter how desperately well-intentioned, in the efficacy and wisdom of democracy depends on the fundamentally flawed notion that the average voter is anything loftier than an easily frightened and brainwashed lab rat. (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Plague Upon Your House, 2020.

1,601 words

Can we all secretly agree that they’re all secretly conspiring to publicly drive us all insane?

With so few of us agreeing on anything — and with some of us so conflicted that half the time, we don’t even agree with ourselves (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Gorilla, 2020.

1,506 words

Maybe it’s because I’m a racist, but I get intrigued when I hear that a part-time rapper who calls himself “Casanova” gets indicted on federal charges along with 17 other members of a street gang calling itself “Untouchable Gorilla Stone Nation.”

Proof that I’m a racist is that I find it funny whenever black people refer to themselves as gorillas.

Casanova is the only member of his crew who at the moment is not in custody. (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Dancing for Dollars, 2020.

1,595 words

If white Americans kissed black America’s ass any harder, black America’s steatopygian ass would have a visible hickey — possibly even bleeding welts.

And yet the harder that white Americans try to appease blacks, blacks act less and less appeased.

While campaigning for the presidency in 2008, Barack Obama made a point of mentioning that he was black and that some people wouldn’t like the fact that he’s black. (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Red Lives Matter, 2020.

1,278 words

I’m not much of a holiday-celebratin’ guy, but if I had to pick my favorite, it would probably be Thanksgiving, and merely for the basic gustatory pleasures it provides. I could eat turkey, stuffing, and sweet potatoes three times a day for the rest of my life and never tire of it.

But as with everything these days, there are legions of carcinogenically bitter social-justice scolds who have made it their fundamental project to squeeze the fun out of everything as if they wake up every morning hoping to choke a baby piglet to death. (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Killjoy Was Here, 2020.

1,642 words

The nights grow long and dark and cold. I’ve often suspected that Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s are merely three sedatives we administer ourselves to collectively brace for the gaping black icy void in the months that follow when the sun never seems to shine and the plants refuse to grow. (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Login, Logout, 2020.

1,389 words

Back in the year 2000 — before the advent of smartphones and the existence of social media in any significant sense beyond a humble smattering of BBS message boards — I and the other convicts at Oregon State Penitentiary caught wind of a new super-max prison they were building in the state’s remote eastern regions. (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Tom Metzger, 2020.

1,724 words

Terrible Tommy Metzger died the day after the election.

One night in the fall of 1989 I was a snot-nosed and cocksure wigger journalist who’d tooled the hundred miles or so south from my ratty apartment (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Stealin’ Away, 2020.

1,546 words

Last I peeked in here, it seemed as if Trump had won the election.

Well, we all know how that turned out. (more…)

1,346 words

In what might prove to be the most hilarious upset in electoral history, the “Nazi” candidate may have won a second term solely by increasing his support among every group except for white males — thus allowing all the “Nazis” the pleasure of blaming women and nonwhites even in victory!

Is this what they mean by a “win-win”? (more…)

Phil Eiger Newmann, Biden for President, 2020.

1,748 words

Election Day forecast: partly cloudy with widespread outbreaks of political violence.

As the weirdest presidential campaign in history hobbles to a close during this odd post-American era during which America still pretends it’s a country, polls show that Americans agree more on the fact that there will be post-election violence than they can agree on the election’s winner. (more…)