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My Real Life

2,096 words

Russian translation here

In Introduction to Magic, Julius Evola recommends a spiritual exercise to be carried out just before going to sleep at night. It involves imagining that you are climbing up a mountain. As you progress further and further upwards, you are supposed to imagine the sun gradually rising. When you reach the peak, it stands directly overhead. Then you can drift off to sleep. On awakening, before rolling out of bed, you are supposed to imagine going back down the mountain and, as you do so, the sun setting. So, one enters the daylight on falling asleep, and the dark of night on awakening.

The point of this exercise is to accustom the traveler of the Left Hand Path to the idea that his mundane, waking life is but a dream. It’s not real life: real life is lived in communion with the deeper parts of oneself. Following the Left Hand Path is difficult in the modern world. It’s not easy to see yourself as a black magician when you’re standing in the express line, wondering whether the clerk will notice that you actually have fifteen items (not twelve) in your cart. It’s difficult to preserve the dignity of a Runemaster when your job requires you to periodically provide a urine specimen. In the modern world it is more important than ever to achieve the age-old realization of the mystics: that daily life is unreal, and real life elsewhere.

Mysticism may not be your cup of tea, but there is an important political lesson to be learned from all of this. As my readers know, my mission in life is the destruction of the modern world (see my essay “How I Found My Mission in Life”). One of the principal ways in which I pursue this mission is by writing for Counter-Currents. When I am not writing, I am reading authors like Evola, Guénon, Alain de Benoist, Guillaume Faye, Carl Schmitt, Heidegger, and others – authors whose ideas fuel my mission.

Well, there is something I’ve left out, because it pains me to mention it. When I’m not writing and reading, a good portion of my life is spent on . . . . choke, gasp . . . my job. Yes, I have a job just like the rest of you. It happens to afford me a good deal of free time, but it saps a great deal of my time and energy nonetheless. To make matters worse, it frequently occupies my thoughts. My job is basically a psychic vampire.

My job requires dealing with some really stupid and sometimes ill-willed people. In 1922 T. E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia), unsuited for civilian life, enlisted in the RAF under an assumed name. When his deception was discovered, he was asked why he did it and replied: “There is nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.” Alas, I do not find it restful. I brood about it. I think about things that could “go wrong.” I imagine arguments with co-workers, just so that I will know what to say should such arguments ever actually take place.

As I’ve gotten older, however, I’ve realized what a trap this is. I’ve realized that it’s not only bad for my health, it makes it harder for me to pursue my mission. And so I’ve adopted the perspective that my job is actually a kind of “cover,” and that my “real life” is working for what we optimistically refer to as The Movement. My readers also know that I’m a big fan of the spy films and TV shows of the 60s (see my essay “‘The Flash in the Pan’: Fascism & Fascist Insignia in the Spy Spoofs of the 1960s”). So it pleases me to think of myself as a secret agent – a double agent, really. My co-workers know absolutely nothing of my “real life,” and would be horrified if they learned the truth. For them, I have carefully constructed a cover identity and cover personality, one that is friendly, apolitical, and harmless (I think they think I’m a bit of a milquetoast).

It’s sometimes a struggle, however, to maintain this perspective. As I’ve said, I often get drawn into thinking, and caring, too much about my job. So I’ve had to get ruthless with myself. I’ve actually made a list of the basic things I need to do to do my job well and to keep it. I made this list because I was always going above and beyond the call of duty (it’s hard for me to do things halfway). Now I do just enough to get by, and give the appearance of caring.

I have separate email accounts for my job and for my other activities. I stop checking the job account after 5:00pm. I don’t check it on weekends. I have started saying “no” when people ask me to take on extra work – and I’ve always got a ready excuse (i.e., lie) to justify my refusal. (Don’t worry about me, my job is pretty darn secure.) If I have any “homework” to do on the weekends, I always prioritize writing and reading for the Movement ahead of anything else.

I also have little mantras I use to keep my job in perspective: “This is all bullshit. This all bullshit . . .” I say to myself over and over. And: “None of this matters. None of this matters . . .” I also have positive mantras as well. When working on my essays, and when I’ve finished them, I often find myself saying “This is all that matters. This is all that matters . . .”

And it really is all that matters, folks. We are standing at the edge of the abyss, poised to lose – if present trends continue – our people, our lands, our culture. Compared to this, my personal problems and yours are meaningless. Our “jobs” are meaningless.

And yet, for a long time I couldn’t really come to grips with this. I kept getting seduced into caring about things that don’t matter. I think one of the reasons for this is that I was afraid that I might be right about everything – that we might be right. This may seem peculiar, so let me explain.

Suppose that our demographic projections are correct, and that white people truly are scheduled for virtual extinction – and quite definitely scheduled to lose control of the U.S. and Europe. Suppose we are right in thinking that those who will replace us care nothing about preserving our culture. Suppose we are right in believing that “multiculturalism” is an impossible fantasy and a barely-concealed program of destruction aimed at our people and our culture. Suppose that we are right to see feminism as a disaster, which has crippled both men and women, destroyed the family, and (in large measure) precipitated the present demographic crisis. Suppose we are right to see our economy as careening toward disaster. Suppose we are right to see modern, Western culture as utterly bankrupt, as descending every day to new depths of vileness such as we never thought we’d see in our lifetimes.

If we are right about all of it, the only natural, initial reaction is panic and despair. For a long time I was dimly aware that all of these things were true and that I had assessed them correctly. But these truths remained on a kind of hazy periphery. I didn’t like to think about them too much. I suppose in some way I hoped that I wrong. And it’s terribly easy to fall into self doubt about these matters. After all, our cities have not yet descended into complete anarchy. We are surrounded by bright, new technology that keeps getting better every day – the sort of stuff we would have considered implausible science fiction forty years ago (when Star Fleet’s communicators were bigger than our present cell phones). The trains continue to run. Our shopping carts are full. We have access to the best health care money can buy. Netflix still delivers.

But all of this, of course, is maya. And we are living on borrowed time.

It really is possible to know something but not to believe it. Many Americans, and Europeans, are in such a state. They really know how bad things are, but they have yet to truly believe. By this I mean they have yet to truly, consciously accept that we are facing the worst crisis of our entire history. The sheer magnitude of it makes it hard to take in, hard to process.

There was no single event that shifted me from knowing (abstractly) about our crisis to truly believing in it. I didn’t get mugged. My neighborhood was not looted and torched. It was just as if one day I woke up. I looked around at my life and realized that most of it was indeed bullshit, and that faced with the present crisis I simply had to stop caring about meaningless things, refocus my life, and DO SOMETHING. It was also a matter of self-respect. I could not respect myself otherwise.

Finally facing our problems – finally, you might say, looking into the abyss – was not nearly as traumatic as I expected it to be. And it turned out to be the key to making my life meaningful. Even when I was seduced into caring about my job and other intrinsically trivial matters, I knew dimly that none of it meant anything. Having now faced the crisis and reassessed my priorities, I am able to say that my life is devoted to the most important mission there is. That mission than which no greater can be conceived. Compared to saving one’s people and one’s culture, all other problems, concerns, goals, desires, tasks, plans, preferences, and predicaments are completely, totally trivial and unimportant.

I do not feel despair. I actually feel hopeful. In fact, I will not allow myself to feel anything other than hope and optimism. We can’t afford to feel any other way, because pessimism and despair nurture defeatism and make failure almost inevitable. Facing the truth and committing myself to the Cause has also transformed my daily life in a curious way. The old trivia that used to get me down no longer does. I know that, whatever happens, my life is devoted to the most important mission of all, and that however I suffer I am right.

Food tastes better. The air smells sweeter. I’ve started noticing how pleasurable it is to feel the heat of the sun on my face. I am able to enjoy all of these things more than ever and even to own them in a strange way: to say that ours is the cause of life, and that these things belong to me. Our enemies are fundamentally anti-life. These things do not belong to them.

I am not joking. It is as if I have achieved that mystical Zen state of satori. I have recognized that the life of deceit and of outward conformity I am forced to lead is the night – and I can now live that life when I need to, because I know it is only the night, only a dream. I am in the day. I have climbed the mountain and the sun has risen with me. I am awake.

And now it is time for you to awaken as well, if you have not already done so. Don’t quit your job, but renounce caring about it. Divide your being into the you that works and must deal with those who sleep, and the you that is awake to the truth that others cannot face. And now, out of recognition of that truth, DO SOMETHING. Awaken those around you who seem to have the potential for something more than sleep. Read and learn about the present crisis. Read the authors I mentioned earlier, and others. Buy books published by people who believe what we believe. Read Counter-Currents and other Movement sources. Write for Counter-Currents, if you have something to say. If not, send them money. Cancel your cable TV, which floods your home with brain rot and propaganda, and send the money to Counter-Currents. Haunt other people’s websites and post politically incorrect comments. When you’re in the movie theatre, and the Brilliant Black Doctor or Scientist or Judge appears on screen, snicker loudly. Meet with others who think the way you do.

The sleeper must awaken. He must awaken and drag everyone else kicking and screaming away from the shadows and out of the cave, into real life. Now.



  1. Petronius
    Posted August 24, 2011 at 6:16 am | Permalink

    Does all this get you laid as well? Or are relationships with women beyond your necessities now? It is a serious question.

    • Jef Costello
      Posted August 24, 2011 at 11:19 am | Permalink

      As Evola will tell you, the secret to attracting others (for romance, sex, or anything else) is to be the sort of man who doesn’t need them. The spiritually virile man doesn’t concern himself with getting laid. How does one rise above such concerns? One way is by becoming absorbed in something that lifts you out of preoccupation with your personal problems, desires, etc. Devoting yourself to something greater than you. Then, once you have achieved that, it is as if you develop a magnetic center that attracts others. But you cannot strive to attain that state BECAUSE you think it will attract others. If you take that course, it will actually be unattainable.

      • Selous Scout
        Posted August 24, 2011 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

        That’s all well and good. But I guess what you’re trying to say is, You don’t get laid much. At all.

        Fair enough.

        But if we’re going to develop any sort of practical political movement (and I realise that is not necessarily your concern here), then we’re going to have to develop a group or caste of fighting men who fight and fuck, who conquer women as well as the hated Other, who are willing to take risks and stake all on a course of action.

        Which, when you think about it, is what White men are all about.

        Doing so will help us attract men and women.

        As I wrote on another forum, people respond to strength, virility, good-looks, ruthlessness, charisma, style, and confidence.

        People are drawn to alphas.

        If more WNs would adopt these qualities, the mainstreamers would come.

        And some of us wouldn’t have to make excuses for a lack of a sex life.

        WNs should stop acting like celibate priests and fringe nutters with weird obsessions, and more like attractive, articulate winners who know how to score.

      • Petronius
        Posted August 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm | Permalink

        I remember this from “Metaphysics of Sex”. It is true that any man needs some cause he is living for apart from a woman; it is the essence of manhood to find this cause; and that women are attracted to that.

        I was thinking of, I guess, three things: first, being with a woman, even more having a family, keeps you sane and grounded. You remember the line from 1984? “At present nothing is possible except to extend the area of sanity little by little. ” Secondly, but it also makes you a bit vulnerable if you feel you are devoted to a politically cause. Real militant revolutionaries rarely had families to keep for. Thirdly, if you hold on views that endanger you of social ostracism, it becomes harder to find a partner, and finding one under these conditions is like finding gold.

      • Michael Bell
        Posted August 25, 2011 at 9:44 am | Permalink

        Your words make you come across as a very childish, somewhat frat-boyish braggart. Only that kind of a person can take Mr. Costello’s writing about his self-overcoming–which makes no mention of renouncing women to begin with– and turn it into “this guy doesn’t get laid,” and “I totally get laid more than this guy.” Secondly, you appear to be a total slave to your emotions and desires, which is far from the kind of men we need.

        “People are drawn to alphas.”

        No kidding. Alphas are exactly what Costello is urging men to become. Going out to a bar, getting into a pointless brawl, and picking up some random girl and fucking her does not automatically make you an alpha.

        “We need a caste of soldiers who fight AND fuck!”

        One of Rockwell’s sillier lines. The greatest caste of warriors Europe has ever seen dwelt in Sparta, where men had their sex but didn’t make it a top priority, and certainly didn’t flaunt their deeds on forums.

      • Michael Bell
        Posted August 25, 2011 at 9:46 am | Permalink

        My previous comment was intended for Selous. Forgot to address it to him.

  2. Posted August 24, 2011 at 9:34 am | Permalink

    Reading this gave me emotions. Wonderful article. Thank you for writing. So well put.

    We must function, but only to serve the greater cause.

    • gary
      Posted August 24, 2011 at 11:21 am | Permalink

      Yes function, but function free! Not as some clog in the greater glory of something in the future, then the ‘CAUSE” will appear as ‘YOU’!

    • gary
      Posted August 24, 2011 at 4:28 pm | Permalink

      (“We must function, but only to serve the greater cause.”)

      Well that’s the second comment i’ve posted that hasn’t passed the New World Order’s censorship! I thought my comment was as valid as all the others, tho it wasn’t about sex or coming from some imposter called ‘Selous Scout’…in your dreams!
      WTF? Or should I blame this also on the Jews?
      If this is a private club which the repeat posts seem to imply, I’ll move on!
      As far as” fuctioning for the greater cause”, I think that guy should get out more often!!
      Other than that, I enjoy the writings of Jeff Costello!

      • Selous Scout
        Posted August 24, 2011 at 9:21 pm | Permalink



        I’m real. And I mean it. All of it. 100%.

        My writing style and perspective may be a little different, partly because I’ve had a different upbringing and education from most of the others here, and partly because I’ve not enough time to write long considered essays due to my being too busy working, networking, and, yes, fucking.

        There are fighters, there are priests, and there are workers.

        Each one of us has a function.

        Which one is yours?

  3. Posted August 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm | Permalink

    Women love nothing more than a detached man. A man above it all, too enlightened and disciplined to succumb to her feminine charms. The less you need us, the more we want you. Costello is right. But it has to come from a true place.

  4. Petronius
    Posted August 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm | Permalink

    Ah, by the way – You took your pen name from Melville’s “Le samourai”, didn’t you? The dignified lone wolf…

    • Jef Costello
      Posted August 24, 2011 at 10:02 pm | Permalink

      That’s right. Great movie.

  5. Stronza
    Posted August 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm | Permalink

    Some people, well, actually lots of people, wear their full and active sex lives like a cloak of superiority over those who don’t “get laid” much. Those men who just love to “fight and f*ck” also get killed, injured, sued and diseased a whole bunch more than the non-Alphas. Everything that appears attractive to the simple minded folk on the sidelines has a mighty sting in the tail.

    Don’t worry about it, Jef. A noble war is fought on all fronts.

  6. Fourmyle of Ceres
    Posted August 24, 2011 at 7:35 pm | Permalink

    Reading this, particularly the central section, makes me want to recognize Costello somewhere, sometimes, without knowing who he is, and saying:

    “First Rule of Fight Club IS?”

    I felt much the same way as you used to, until I realized I can transform my life NOW, as best I can, to help make the best possible future possible. I might not see the fruits of these labors in this lifetime, but I will certainly benefit from the disciplined, transcendental focus, they inspire in me. It’s almost like I was who I was, but am becoming who I feel all but predestined to beome, a future Ambassador from the Northwest Republic.

    Thanks again for some inspiring commentary.

    What’s In YOUR Future? Focus Northwest!

  7. Thestand
    Posted August 24, 2011 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

    What are some good texts on magic that you have read?

  8. Robert in Arabia
    Posted August 24, 2011 at 10:21 pm | Permalink
  9. Asterion
    Posted August 25, 2011 at 11:40 pm | Permalink

    I always love your posts, Jef, and needed to comment on this one.

    Really, an inspirational and heartfelt essay.

    • Jef Costello
      Posted August 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

      Thank you, Asterion! And I’d like to thank everyone else who responded to this essay, with the exception of “Selous Scout,” whose comments were adolescent. A special thanks to Michael Bell, whose response to Selous was perfect.

  10. Jaego Scorzne
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 1:34 pm | Permalink

    What’s an Alpha? A fighting and fucking machine? Then the Black Man is King. How about Bill Gates? Is he an Alpha? Not in that sense but in the world of the Software Business he is. I bet he couldn’t get a date to save his life in high school but something changed. Could that be money and sucess? I think women actually prefer brains to brawn if it leads to money.

    Of course if Civilization crashes they may go back to wanting a Conan Type. They are quite flexible after all. We could go with that once the Feds are off our back. With our combination of brains AND brawn we can keep our women for ourselves – just like we used to.

  11. Fourmyle of Ceres
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 8:46 pm | Permalink

    Jaego Scorzne in blockquote:

    What’s an Alpha?

    Great question. Proof that people like to use words they can’t define, to explain concepts they can’t define.

    The true Alpha – rarer than hen’s teeth – is a Civilizer in the highest and best meaning of the term. His (or her!) can be placed in the framework of a the fulfillment of a metapolitical purpose, to the extent possible, in all they think, say and do.

    Their focus is on being effective, to the extent possible, in the fulfillment of the proper metapolitical purpose in their lives.

    Yockey qualifies; yes, the rest of his life seems ordinary, but the perfect spark of pure Light we see in “Imperium” alone qualifies him.

    Jack London certainly hits the mark. Many of those who worked with Uncle Adolf are on the Team, as is Dr. Revilo Oliver.

    One common event in their lives, I suspect, is their participation in an Initiation Event, even if they were not aware of it, at the time. Harold Covington, standing in the parking lot outside Chapel Hill High School after graduation, certainly had one, even if he was not consciously aware of it at the time. Rockwell certainly was initiated by Who Uncle Adolf had become. I suspect Something like this happened to Bill White, as well as William Luther Pierce.

    Note well that these men were not universally beloved, or even tolerated. What The Quickening did TO them was force an intolerance for second-raters; they truly linked their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor, to the fulfillment of a Vision they saw, and tried desperately to get us to see.

    They all have a nostalgia for the future, a much better, brighter future that we must go through horrific Darkness to manifest, consciously, by dedicating our lives to the Next Renaissance ONLY our Race can envision, much less make manifest.

    A new month is coming up, which presents new opportunities to contribute to counter-currents. Money works just fine. Even the best of the Alphas needs the Lighthouse Greg Johnson is building, and we all need more Light.

    Somebody’s got to pay the Light bill! Even ten dollars, sent regularly without fail, helps. More, of course, helps even more!

    What’s In YOUR Future? Focus Northwest!

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