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Print December 7, 2021 8 comments

When I Became a Man

Nicholas R. Jeelvy

1,466 words

If you’re a long-time reader of my oeuvre here on Counter-Currents, you’ll know that I spent the last year dreading my 30th birthday. Part of it is exaggeration for comedic or dramatic effect; while I write to introduce ideas, spotlight problems, and provide prescriptions and analyses, I recognize that I also write to entertain. I took time out of my busy day when I was a humble office rat to read Counter-Currents. Sometimes, you enjoy the long thinkpieces with a big pot of coffee. Other times, you’re too knackered to do that, or you’ll appreciate an aside here and there. Hey, I didn’t invent it. It’s called gonzo, and it’s not just a Muppets character.

But the dreaded date came and went, and now I’ll have to think of a new running gag and Klagengrund. It was less dramatic than I imagined it. I had no grey hairs, my knees did not worsen or improve, and I’m still the cantankerous curmudgeon I’ve been since the late ‘90s. I was not inducted into any council of elders. Two days later, a shop assistant addressed me as “young man.” I retorted that I’m not a young man, having turned 30 only two days earlier. She laughed and asked what she should feel like, being 47. She didn’t look a day over 40. Some people have all the luck.

And yet, there is the sensation that somehow or other, a chapter of my life has concluded, and I could not shake the feeling that it had been bad. Mrs. Jeelvy is fond of asking, “Why did we have to be born in this time?”, by which she means the time of rule by anti-white globalists, mandatory vaccinations against a disease less dangerous than the vaccine itself, faithlessness in both the religious and moral sense, and simultaneous economic hardship and decadence. The first three decades of my life were what the Chinese would call interesting times. But in a personal sense, beyond all the global and even local problems we are facing, I found myself dispossessed and wronged at a very deep level.

Reading Mark Gullick’s thoughts on Herman Hesse’s The Glass Bead Game, I found what I consider to be the root cause of the deep sense of malaise in my being. Hesse wrote about the pedagogical practices which arose as a reaction to the so-called Age of the Feuilleton, and to me they’re as distant as Castallia. I am fully a child of the Feuilleton Age. I was educated in it, molded by it, and groomed to embody it — or at least what it considers as an intellectual. Hesse holds up a mirror, and like a Lovecraftian protagonist, I gaze upon my reflection and see a twisted, deformed thing.

Man is a creature whose total maturation period is the longest among animals. I’ve seen research which seems to indicate that the male prefrontal cortex isn’t fully formed until age 30, although a very religious scientist recently told me that the age of full maturation is probably 33, which is why by tradition that was Jesus Christ’s age at the time of the crucifixion. We are sexually and otherwise mature much earlier than that, but our brains are so complex that they take 30 years to complete their development — and this development isn’t merely biological. Much of human developmental biology is handled by the surrounding society; social epistasis, as the HBD crowd would call it. Growing up and maturing in a malformed, sick society is in this sense analogous to being carried to term by a crack-addicted mother.

When I read some of the other writers here on Counter-Currents, especially some of the older ones, I am seized by a mixture of envy and sorrow. Someone took them when they were younger and made them into the men they are today. By contrast, nobody saw fit to nurture my talents. Oh, I was a very smart boy, the apple of my parents’ eye, recognized as gifted by anyone who met me, and nothing came of it because globohomo has no need of savants. If you want an image of my life, imagine a man dragging his bulbous, oversized head behind him like one would a ball and chain. The great mind, when undeveloped by the surrounding society, is nothing but an impediment. I’m not a scholar because I lack scholarly discipline. I am not a philosopher because I lack philosophical methodology. What am I? I am the future of every gifted child growing up in the West today: a feuilletonista.

My education was not such as would have been given to a person of my gifts in saner times. Rather, I was caught between escalating SJW social policies and the neoliberal insistence that education produce workers with “marketable skills.” The result was alienation and truancy, and graduation through feuilletonoid reproduction of factoids unrelated to each other, or to a more coherent vision. Someone once noted that I have no method in my thought. The reason is quite simple: Nobody ever taught me any method; they all expected me to read from a textbook, repeat what I’d read, and that somehow, that would magically introduce the ability to work and think. Alas, people need to be taught to do things if they’re to do them.

We were encouraged to be “self-starters.” Within those words was our elders’ expectation that we’d somehow or other grow up to be men without their guidance and assistance. Did they really believe that old crap about pulling themselves up by their bootstraps? My parents, who provided minimal and grudging assistance to help establish my own path in life, received every possible manner of assistance from their own parents. When my mother screams at me to “become independent already,” she neglects to mention that my grandfather had found her first job for her when she was 22, bought her first house for her when she was 25, loaned her the money she needed to start her business when she was 45, and still helps her financially and with guidance.

But the curious thing about life is that it finds a way. Seeing my education, my Ausbildung abandoned by my elders, I wasn’t content to let my talents be wasted on alcoholism and hipsterdom. I became the self-starter, the autodidact I was expected to be. In so doing I discovered the alternative story of Western civilization. Always enamored of history, I discovered revisionist history. Having developed an unhealthy habit of writing creative fiction, I devoted myself to understanding language, and specifically the way in which it is used to weave stories. I did not realize it at the time, but I was slowly but surely initiating myself into the Dissident Right. I did not know there were other dissidents, but I did know that the mainstream was lying to me.

Just as a survivor of abuse learns to pick up the pieces and carry on, so did I. Despite my intellectual development having been stunted due to being miseducated at the tail end of Western civilization, I tried to overcome the challenges of my circumstances. While I’m content with the results so far, I cannot shake the feeling that something beautiful has been destroyed and that whatever my full potential was, it will never be fulfilled. The damage wrought by my miseducation is probably too severe.

You can buy Jef Costello’s Heidegger in Chicago here

That brings us here, to Counter-Currents, the university of the Dissident Right. It is also a remedial school for those of us damaged by the miseducation system. Mr. Cleary is right to note that I and others had never heard of Johann Gottlieb Fichte. Well, I’d heard of him, but never understood his importance. Before that, I hungrily devoured Mr. Cleary’s series on Heidegger. Nobody had seen fit to instruct me in this manner during the course of my miseducation. Martin Heidegger was presented to me as just one of those wacky Germans who invented postmodernism. Oh, and a Nazi. This wasn’t limited to philosophy, either. I, who had never shied away from the spooky and occult, had to become a dissident and come to Counter-Currents to learn about Neville Goddard and New Thought from the reclusive and eccentric Mr. O’Meara.

My time spent here as a contributor and compatriot has been a time of healing. The great festering wound of my miseducation has slowly been closing. I find myself engaged and interested in a way I never experienced before. Naturally, this is augmented by the purpose that has been given to my life by service to our cause. The hipsterdom of my twenties was ironic postmodernism, grinning inanely as it reveled in meaninglessness and ephemera. How silly I was — how blind, how immature — yet in my immaturity, I longed to find manhood and meaning. That period is has ended.

When I became a man, I set aside childish things.

*  *  *

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Tags

brain developmentdevelopmental biologyeducationmanhoodmaturityNicholas R. Jeelvy

Next

» She’s Passionate about Borderline Personality Disorder!

8 comments

  1. Lugo Wrights says:
    December 7, 2021 at 8:50 am

    Definitely relate a lot to this article. I was the poster child for smart kid who could never motive myself into doing the tedium of school work.

    One of the more promising things I’ve seen on the Conservative Right is the push to “fund the student not the institution.” Give each family a set allowance to spend on their child’s education rather then the schools itself. You don’t have to raise taxes at all; just reallocate the money already being spent.

    Granted parents aren’t necessarily going to be the best at determining the educational needs, it is sure as hell a better idea then leaving it all to the Wokesters.

     

    1. Flel says:
      December 7, 2021 at 4:47 pm

      I think it’s taking place in a few areas already. It makes me think about those asking for reallocating law enforcement dollars to community policing or counselors. While it might sound good on paper, the funds will be misallocated to groups uninterested in preventing crime. Cops and teachers have their faults and unions and I’d rather stay away from them both. I do wish I could get my son more interested in reading again. Sadly I don’t see alternative schools here that would make a difference.

       

  2. Luke S. says:
    December 7, 2021 at 3:31 pm

    This resonates with me as well, having wasted a lot of time and money on things I can only look back on now as “experiences,” while neglecting to nurture my gifts.

    It also reminds me of Greg’s exemplary article “On Potential,” which motivates me to look forward and work for the future rather than dwell on any “what ifs” of the past.

    It also helps to remember some of the great men of the past who may have spent years imprisoned, destitute, persecuted, or otherwise rejected by society. Yet they still managed to live lives of tremendous value and accomplishment.

     

  3. Lord Shang says:
    December 8, 2021 at 2:30 am

    Mr. Jeelvy is remarkably mature and composed for being only half my age. I am shocked that he is a day under 40. I do think the internet has played a positive role in at least some lives. On the true Right, it’s making of verboten information widely available has created a generation that, while less mature than us elders were at the same age (Jeelvy seeming to be an exception), is also much more sophisticated. Back in the 80s, I had to dig extensively around many library stacks to arrive at the information that you have at your fingertips. I keep wondering … how large is the actual number of racially aware whites? I keep hoping there is a huge underground reservoir of racial understanding just waiting to be tapped by the right leader.

     

  4. Middle Class Twit says:
    December 8, 2021 at 3:48 pm

    Your mum’s attitude is a classic case of projection, I’d say.

     

  5. Alexandra says:
    December 9, 2021 at 10:05 am

    I relate totally to your parental non-involvement in your schoolwork and school life. My adoptive (German) mother remarried when I was 11 to a German widower with three half-Hispanic kids, all older than me.  Schoolwork of any sort was never discussed in our house by anyone.  When my stepsister, who was a year older, and I took the Iowa tests in 11th and 12th grades, it was honestly the first time when I found out that I was quite reasonably intelligent, because I scored 92 (out of 99) in all categories than math, which dragged down my score.  My sister scored 48 overall, and when we met at the doorway to the house, she begged me not to discuss the test with mom and dad because she might get in trouble.  So, I never told my mom about my high score. The high score did get me into Advanced Placement classes, which I never mentioned to my family, and they never asked what I was taking.

    My mom was quite concerned about me, because she thought I always ‘had my head in the clouds’ and thought that I should be taking subjects that would get me a job.  I can’t tell you how many times she said:  “Put that book down and get in here to help with 1) dinner 2) setting the table 3) washing dishes 4) washing clothes 5) cleaning, washing floors, etc.  The crown jewel was when I was accepted into a Saturday seminar program at the L.A. County Art Museum to tour the museum and learn something about the paintings firsthand and their artists.  My mother drove me all the way over there for the first 3 Saturdays, then told me there was too much work to do around the house and it was too far to drive.  So, end of that.  The other thing my mom would say was “Why are you interested in those things that won’t get you a job or earn you money to take care of yourself?

    Let this be a lesson to those of you contemplating having children — please encourage them in the subjects they know and love, and take an interest in their schoolwork.  Go to every parent/teacher conference, and look at the textbooks the kids bring home, or are posted online now, I guess.  Ask kids what they love and why.  Take them to museums, zoos and other exhibitions which give them a glimpse of the ‘real world’ and its job possibilities in the subjects they love.

    Nick Jeelvy learned how to learn on his own. And after working all my life as an ‘office drone with a B.A in Art History and an M.A. in Library Science, I am still learning.  In our horrid schools today, I think we all have to learn on our own as best we can.   And yes, Counter Currents is truly a graduate-level university in many subjects where we can read at our own pace.  Please take advantage of the brilliant writers and commentators here.

     

  6. Ray Caruso says:
    December 10, 2021 at 11:15 am

    “Oh, I was a very smart boy, the apple of my parents’ eye, recognized as gifted by anyone who met me, and nothing came of it because globohomo has no need of savants.”

    Like the author, I was a gifted child, and although 15 years older than him, I’m young enough to have been treated in like manner by a society that does not value true intellectual ability but only intellectual conformity. I believe the best education a gifted boy can receive in these times, besides essential literacy, is instruction in technology—”coding”, if you will—complemented by a manual skill (carpentry, auto mechanics, bicycle mechanics, plumbing, gardening, etc.). Going to a globohomo-controlled college or university is much worse than useless.

     

    1. Lord Shang says:
      December 10, 2021 at 2:21 pm

      But what if a gifted child is oriented towards philosophy or the arts? It is extremely dangerous for a society in the long term (granted, the USSA doesn’t have a “long term”, but that’s another topic) to concede the liberal arts to antiwhites. Those subjects actually have far more politically determinative influence than “coding” or physics, etc. It is precisely because conservatives abandoned education to the enemy that we see the rise of the ‘woke’. Never underestimate how politico-intellectually naive many scientists, engineers and especially ‘technologists’ are. If they seem less so than liberal arts types, that is only because the latter have been systematically miseducated, while the former less so, due to their apolitical and acultural course materials. It’s not primarily coders or carpenters who make up the Dissident Right, after all.

       

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  • The Passing of a Profit & Other Forgotten Stories
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