The Worst Week Yet:
March 7-13, 2021

Phil Eiger Newmann, Too White, 2021.

2,593 words

Jew-Baiting Capitol Rioter With Ironic Hitler Mustache Finally Found!

If you’re even half-awake at this juncture in history, you’d realize that nearly all of the participants in January 6’s Capitol Stampede — or Capitol Blitzkrieg, Capitol Lynching, Capitol Hate Crime, or Kapitallnacht, whatever they’re calling it this week — would rather crawl under a rock and die than be called a “racist.” These were not foot soldiers for long-extinct groups such as the Klan and white-power skinheads raisin’ a ruckus under overcast skies, nuh-uh — these were “patriots” and “constitutionalists” and “Republicans” and “Second Amendment advocates” and “FOX News viewers” storming the halls of power. 

Still, despite all the strenuous ’n’ arduous ankle-grabbin’ ’n’ pillow-bitin’ efforts from most of the participants of the Capitol Siege of January 6 to disavow all forms of “racism,” the immediate media narrative was that this was a Murderous White Supremacist Uprising. But despite the long-haired greybeard with the CAMP AUSCHWITZ hoodie — who, to my knowledge, has never publicly explained what message he was trying to convey — there was a parched dearth of evidence that January 6 had anything to do with being white.

But after two solid months of digging and scratching and investigating, authorities have finally unearthed a Capitol Siege participant who — allegedly — said positive things about Hitler and even wore a Hitler mustache to work at a New Jersey Naval base before authorities demanded that he shave it right off his Jew-hating face.

Timothy Hale-Cusanelli is a white male US Army Reservist who, for unspecified reasons, hyphenates his surname like a white female yuppie from the 1980s who wears sneakers to work and then changes into dress shoes at the office because she doesn’t want to get her dress shoes dirty. I’m not saying he’s effeminate in any other sense than the fact that he hyphenates his surname. For all I know, he could be incredibly macho otherwise. But I looked up the surname “Cusanelli,” and it’s of Italian derivation. (Interestingly, the man charged with using a policeman’s shield to smash through a window in the Capitol Building on January 6 is named Dominic Pezzola. Why am I the only American journalist who isn’t afraid of mentioning the obvious Italian Connection to this assault on our democracy?)

Cusanelli is being charged with various offenses related to the Capitol Siege, but last week prosecutors argued that he should be denied release pending trial because he’s said positive things about Hitler, negative things about Jews, and has expressed that a new Civil War is inevitable, all of which combines to make him an immediate violent threat, despite the fact that he isn’t even charged with doing anything violent on January 6.

Swallow an aspirin with cold water and sit down before you read this: To build a case against Cusanelli, feds interviewed 44 of his associates, 34 of whom claimed — with no apparent documentation — that he had shared his “affinity for Hitler and the Nazi Party” with them. One unnamed member of the US Navy told authorities that Cusanelli told him he “would kill all the Jews and eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and he wouldn’t need to season them because the salt from their tears would make it flavorful enough.” Another said Cusanelli told him “Hitler should have finished the job.”

But this is all hearsay, and that’s a chilling precedent if they’re now denying people bail because coworkers called them a racist. The only documented evidence I’ve seen of Cusanelli’s “affinity for Hitler” are the photos of him with that mustache made famous by Charlie Chaplin and Oliver Hardy. There’s also a video floating around of a shirtless Cusanelli flexing and shouting, “[T]hat’s right, you little bitch, I work out like I hate immigrants. . . intensely!” to whatever little immigrant bitch he assumed would be watching his video. And authorities also say they found racist cartoons on his phone.

So they’ve finally found their Capitol Siege Nazi, and if the side that appears to be winning the battle winds up winning the war, the events of January 6, 2021 will be depicted as a violent assault on everything sacred by a deranged swarm of white-supremacist cannibals hankering to chow down on some salted Jew flesh.

Why Klan Hoods Make for Unacceptable Pandemic Masks

During these uncertain times of widespread infection, racial tension, mass PTSD, and economic collapse, it is important to remain tasteful and judicious while everything that ever mattered to you is being reduced to ash.

As springtime buttercups bloom on the front lawns of white Americans throughout the USA and our disintegrating nation preps for another five months of warm-weather rioting, and despite the fact that an already fucked-beyond-recognition economy has coughed up the death rattle as a result of the whole COVID thing, I feel it is incumbent upon me to remind everyone that not only does a KKK hood provide insufficient protection against viral transmission due to the eyeholes, it is also a symbol of hate that may upset African Americans and the white Americans who fool themselves into thinking that African Americans wouldn’t kill every last one of them if it were legal.

Last May in Santee, CA — a town that has such an alleged history of virulently frothy racism that it is colloquially known as “Santucky” and “Klantee” — an obese middle-aged white shopper was seen wearing a Klan hood in a local convenience store. Either he had no idea how hurtful and uncool he was being, or he didn’t care — and I’m not sure which one would be worse.

This past January outside a post office in the tiny Albertan town of Grimshaw, another fat white man was spotted wearing yet another Klan hood. Activists traveled hundreds of “kilometers” — don’t ask me, I don’t know what kilometers are, either — from Edmonton to protest the egregious act of hood-wearing, with a fat black Canadian woman griping to the press:

It’s just a lot of white fragility is what it is. It’s hard to be learning all of these new things that you’ve probably gone your entire life not knowing about. If you’re not a racialized person, racism is not something you often have to talk about. These are new ideas, these are new things challenging an entire system. This isn’t about creating a divide because there’s been a divide there for hundreds of years already.

As many white farmers from the Canadian heartland are fond of saying, “If I had known it would have come to this, I would have done my own ice-fishing.”

Black Woman Freaks Out That Her Biracial Baby May Be Too Light-Skinned

Quiana Glide is a black Huffington Post writer who is roughly as homely as her name is dumb. Due to the odd biological dice roll that is sexually antagonistic selection, it is usually the most uncomely black women who wind up wedding white men. And when it came to the looks department, Miz Quiana rolled snake eyes.

She recently wrote an essay about the emotional torment she faced when she realized her biracial baby wouldn’t share the same rich brown shades as her excrementally hued mother. The essay begins with a spoiler:

“My husband is white and I am Black.”

Okay, we’re off to a bad start already, lady. Your husband is lowercased while you are Capitalized. This does not bode well for the mental health of your newborn child.

Then she takes the racial drama up a notch by making it sound that by procreating with a Caucasian man, she has suddenly stepped into a cheesy 80s horror film based on an obscure Stephen King short story:

For all my daydreaming of my child, there was one constant: I knew she would be brown-skinned like me. It would obviously be lighter, but she and I would be brown. Melanin is the stronger gene, or so I thought. . . . After Luna was born, I told myself she would likely darken with time. Most Black people I knew had some shift in their skin tone as babies. But as the weeks and then months passed, that didn’t happen. The brown-skinned, kinky-haired Luna of my daydreams didn’t exist. Real-life Luna is pale-skinned with gray/hazel eyes and loosely curly blondish-brown hair. . . . I looked at Luna and saw my husband. I didn’t see me in my child. I felt othered in my own house, a feeling I had fought my whole life.

She even is shameless enough to include a photo of her white-looking baby clad in a shirt that says A BLACK WOMAN CREATED THIS.

Vegas bookmakers have refused to set odds for whether Li’l Biracial Luna will grow up to be mentally and socially well-adjusted, because it’s a losing bet straight out of the gate.

Keeping Basketball Safe for Blacks and Jews

Meyers Leonard is a creature almost as rare as a black person in a Starbucks — he’s a white player in the NBA. But he may have forfeited that privilege by blurting out the following during a livestreamed video game recently:

“F—— cowards. Don’t f—— snipe me, you f—— k— b—-.”

I only understood about half of that. All I can tell is that he doesn’t want a bunch of cowards to “snipe” him. Is that some kind of anti-Semitic term akin to “Jewing” someone out of money? And what could “k—” possibly mean? Is he calling him this penurious Jewish person a “kook” and therefore behaving in a disparagingly ableist manner?

Apparently, The Official Jewish Community doesn’t like being accused of sniping, and they sent some men from the ADL to give this white hoops player a right proper talking-to. Leonard’s team, the Miami Heat — which, like about half of NBA teams, is owned by a Jewish fella — have suspended him indefinitely. And apparently, they’re cooperating with some sort of “investigation.”

Matt Rowan, an announcer for Oklahoma girls’ high-school basketball games — which I hear is nice work if you can get it — recently came under fire for the following statement made on a hot mic when he observed members of the girls’ team from Norman, OK kneeling during the National Anthem:

“I hope Norman gets their a– kicked. F—— n——.”

Have you noticed that modern racists mumble so much that it’s almost impossible to tell what they’re saying? I mean, even the news reporter could only make out one letter of each word in that second sentence there. To me, the strongest derogatory word starting with “F” would be “French,” but that’s still short one letter. As far as I can discern to the best of my ability while working on deadline, he referred to someone as a “French nipple.”

Rowan offered an alibi that recalls the infamous “Twinkie Defense” used by San Francisco City Councilman Dan White after he killed high-profile homo Harvey Milk:

I will state that I suffer Type 1 Diabetes and during the game my sugar was spiking. While not excusing my remarks it is not unusual when my sugar spikes that I become disoriented and often say things that are not appropriate as well as hurtful. I do not believe that I would have made such horrible statements absent my sugar spiking.

I liked him better when he was unabashedly referring to black female hoops players as French nipples.

You can buy Jim Goad’s Whiteness: The Original Sin here.

I Don’t Want Them, You Can Have Them, They’re Too White For Me

In a recent OpEd for Russia Today, a certain Frank Furedi made note of the current mania for dubbing things as “too white” and used an analogy that was not, ahem, entirely original:

The expression “too white” serves as a rhetorical idiom that conveys a sense of moral outrage towards a particular target. The mere evocation of the term signals the sentiment that there is something inherently flawed and immoral at stake. . . . And the evilness of “white” continues to intensify, it seems. It works as an original sin that endows its carriers with white privilege.

These days, everything — from Disney to the publishing industry — suffers under the blinding gleam of “overwhelming whiteness.” Science News tells us that “DNA databases are too white.” College law-school departments are struggling to find ways to shed their “excess whiteness.”

It reminds me of the exchange during the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen when black comedian Patrice O’Neal told white comic Anthony Jeselnik that there were “too many white people” in the audience to understand Jeselnik’s joke about Mike Tyson. Jeselnik’s deadpan response:

“Too many white people? You know what no one ever says? ‘There’s too few black people.’”

Cleansing Buildings of Racial Hatred

The main problem with modern Leftism is that it operates exactly like a religion, and the main problem with religion is that once its adherents convince themselves they have their lobster claws firmly clamped down on some Ultimate Moral Truth, things such as facts quickly become trifling inconveniences.

In a confluence of events that would be startling if they weren’t so tiresomely predictable, activists are agitating to convert three old buildings with “racist” histories into modern museums of racial justice and tolerance — and they’re using unmistakably religious imagery to describe their mission.

Apparently, before he moved his wife and kids into a 70-room mansion north of Berlin, Joseph Goebbels used to bang groupies there, including Czech actress Lida Baarova. Now, according to the Jerusalem Post, that evil Nazi sex mansion is being repurposed into a “tolerance museum” with “a theater, multiple sculptor and artisan workshops, a vegan restaurant, non-profit supermarket, homeopathic health center, along with a communal living complex for around 250 people, with priority given to the societally disadvantaged, with an emphasis on immigrants and the disabled.”

In Fort Worth, TX, activists are agitating to turn “a former KKK auditorium” which “is believed to be the last standing building purposely built for the KKK in the country” into “a museum and community arts center” that endlessly regurgitates inane platitudes about equality and injustice. 

“I feel honored to be a part of this coalition comprised of leaders in communities who were once targets of hate crimes by the KKK,” says Freddy Cantú, a co-founder of “an award-winning multi-cultural dance group in Fort Worth.” Freddy says “It will be a type of cleansing of the space.” 

In Laurens, SC, an old movie theater that had been converted into the infamous “Redneck Shop” by an impenitent Klansman from 1996 to 2012 is now undergoing a half-million-dollar transformation into some kind of half-assed museum of “racial reconciliation” that for possibly ill-advised historical reasons still intends to keep a “25-foot tall swastika mural from the days the building was used by the American Nazi Party” on the wall so visitors can get their fill of being aghast.

According to project architect Regan Freeman, he became “a man possessed” when he learned of the Redneck Shop, which he described as “the embodiment of evil,” and he does not restrain from talking to the press about how this implies that he is the embodiment of good.

Whatever wise-but-sadistic entity lurking out there in the vast void who wrote the law of gravity also wrote this unbreakable law of nature: Truly good people never feel the nagging itch to publicly declare that they’re good.

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