Phil Eiger Newmann, Glue Do, 2021.
1,470 words
It just had to be Gorilla Glue, didn’t it?
It wasn’t bad enough that this 40-year-old black mother of five was named “Tessica” or that, like 99.9% of black women, she’d obviously spent far more of her life obsessing over her hair, nails, and eyelashes than she had, oh, reading Virgil or Chaucer.
It wasn’t bad enough that this prolific baby machine from Violet, Louisiana had an arrest record for battery or that she managed a troupe of preteen black girls called “Dancing Divaz” who use interpretive dance to protest the fact that massive doses of fentanyl make it harder for black criminals to breathe.
It wasn’t bad enough that this heavy-lidded, slow-thinking woman is such a dimwit, she spray-glued her hair onto her head using an industrial-strength adhesive — and THEN was so attention-starved that she took to TikTok last week to inquire before all the world why her hair hadn’t moved for a month.
It wasn’t even bad enough that she’s a black woman. No, the industrial-strength sprayable adhesive she used to keep her hair in place just HAD to be Gorilla Glue.
When they aren’t ruining things, black people help make the world a funnier place.
Appearing on the February 4 video with her shiny black hair plastered so closely to her head that it resembled an undersized black bowling ball or a bulbous eggplant, a sour-faced Brown griped to the camera:
“My hair has been like this for about a month now. It’s not my choice, no, it’s not my choice. When I do my hair I like to, you know, finish it off with a little Got2B spray, you know, just to keep it in place? Well I didn’t have any more Got2B spray so I used this,” she says, flashing a can of sprayable Gorilla Glue.
“Bad, bad, bad idea,” she confessed. “Y’all, look. My hair, it don’t move. I’ve washed my hair 15 times and it don’t move.”
In a second video she recorded ostensibly to prove she wasn’t lying — which is an oddly defensive move — Brown squirts a glob of shampoo on her dry scalp, vigorously rubs it in, then wipes it off with a washcloth to demonstrate that her hair is, indeed, glued to her scalp. Before bursting into tears on camera, she says, “Look, you wipe it off and nothing happens. This is the life I’m living at this point. This is the life that I guess I’m-a have to live.”
On February 6, Brown — who apparently doesn’t have health insurance — visited the emergency room at St. Bernard Parish Hospital in Chalmette, Louisiana, where according to reports, medical technicians spent 22 hours trying to remove the Gorilla Glue from her hair using acetone packs. Failing in their noble quest to de-glue Brown’s shellacked noggin, they sent her home with some acetone. The next day, Brown uploaded a video of her sister trying to apply acetone to her scalp while Ms. Tessica winces and writhes in pain.
Brown and a relative started a GoFundMe campaign to assist in her noble journey as an empowered black American woman to scrape off the glue she had so stupidly sprayed onto her head. As of this writing, she has raised nearly $19,000.
You can buy Jim Goad’s Whiteness: The Original Sin here.
As I type this, Brown has apparently been flown to Beverly Hills to receive a professional plastic surgeon’s three-day de-gluing operation. The surgeon, a coal-black man named Michael Obeng, offered his services for free.
There are even rumors — which Brown has denied — that she has sought a lawyer to investigate whether she can sue Gorilla Glue’s makers because the spray can’s verbiage said the product was “multi-purpose” and didn’t specifically mention that you’re not supposed to spray it on your hair.
Using the sort of extremely careful and excessively polite tiptoeing-around-a-moron language that reminds me of the white Navy Admiral calmly explaining to black Georgia Congressman Hank Johnson that he doesn’t have to worry about Guam capsizing if they send more Marines there, the makers of Gorilla Glue tweeted their concern for the newly famous — and, it needs to be said, much richer than she was only a week ago — Tessica Brown:
We are aware of the situation and we are very sorry to hear about the unfortunate incident that Miss Brown experienced using our Spray Adhesive on her hair. This is a unique situation because this product is not intended for use in or on hair as it is considered permanent. Our spray adhesive states in the warning label[,] “do not swallow. Do not get in eyes, on skin or on clothing. . . . It is used for craft, home, auto or office projects to mount things to surfaces such as paper, cardboard, wood, laminate and fabric. . . . We are glad to see in her recent video that Miss Brown has received medical treatment from her local medical facility and wish her the best.
Strangely, I did not find a single article to the effect of, “Wow, black people sure act dumb sometimes.”
Instead, I saw black female writers — who seem congenitally incapable of writing about anything beyond being black and female — rushing to Tessica Brown’s defense because like them, she, too, suffers under the weight of a white-supremacist society that somehow forces black women to nearly kill themselves while fussing over their hair.
In “Beyond Gorilla Glue: The politics of Black women’s hair,” Nadia E. Brown — who co-authored a whole fucking book about black women’s hair — informs us that black hair is always more than black hair:
The attention that Tessica Brown’s story received is yet another example that for Black women, hair is not simply hair. . . . For Black women, hair is racialized, gendered and classed. It also carries cultural and social meanings. Hairstyles indicated a person’s background, social status and tribe in early African civilizations. . . . Black women seek to challenge or reify aspects of these sexualized, racialized, gendered and classed depictions of themselves through the practice of adornment and hairstyling. Afro-textured hair has been denigrated, politicized, and is now being reclaimed and celebrated. . . . We find that Black women political elites are cognizant that their hair is used as a political heuristic, or shortcut, for voters.
I wonder if Tessica Brown would know what the word “heuristic” means. Or how about “denigrated”? Interesting word, that one — break it down, and you have “de-nig-rate,” which paranoid black-nationalist conspiracy theorists might misinterpret to mean “rating someone lower because they’re a Negro.”
In “Tessica Brown Isn’t The ‘Gorilla Glue Girl,’ She’s A Black Woman Who Deserves Empathy,” Candice Benbow — yet another black woman who apparently eats for an entire village — says we should weep for Tessica Brown, not laugh at her:
If it could talk, my hair would share stories of woe and abuse. My crowning glory would recount the numerous times chemical burns filled my scalp because I believed leaving my relaxer in for just five more minutes would get my hair “bone straight.” If my tresses could talk, they’d tell you how hard I had to work to grow my edges again after years of entirely too tight micro and box braids. My hair could tell the story of a Black girl trying to find her way in a world that said she needed a specific look to be accepted. . . . Why is it so easy to dehumanize Black women when we make mistakes? Why must compassion for us be measured and mediated? How different would the response to Tessica be if she were White?
Good question. If she were white, all white celebrities would be mocking her — unlike the case of Tessica Brown, who got support from Chance the Rapper, Roxane Gay, and an offer of a free wig from Beyoncé’s stylist. She wouldn’t have empathetic essays written about her by white women; instead, she’d be trotted out as yet another example of how Louisiana is a hotbed of inbred mongrels. She’d be shamed as someone who should be taking care of her five kids rather than pining for attention on TikTok.
Apparently, we will not be a cohesive society and will forever be perched upon the brink of chaos until we all accept that we’re going to have to hold black people’s hands and patronize them endlessly and hold our eyes tightly shut and pretend they are not a statistically dumb breed.
It’s sad, too, because their stupidity is a key part of their charm.
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69 comments
It’s only a matter of time before this thing works for NASA and helps take us all to Mars.
I can only imagine she took one look at the packaging and said “yup, this is for me.”
Have you seen the movie “Hidden Figures?”
I actually had a liberal say this to me once.
My son was forced to view it in school. I was stunned but held my tongue. A little fantssy is good for the brain.
Hidden Nigures
That’s the movie title I was looking to mention, but I couldn’t think of the title. I prefer my fantasy films to be more Lord of The Rings style than that liberal nonsense wankery.
Yeah, so we can finally get the hell away from hydromatic negroids such as this waste of Afro Sheen. She and her ilk apparently cannot oversleep any/all opportunities to create an even larger caricature of themselves than they already are. This shit stopped being cute a long time ago.
You left out the best part: Gorilla glue adhesives are five (!) Times as strong as regular super/crazy glue and it is advertised as such and says so on the bottle.
Imagine decididing to put that in your hair and being suprised when it becomes permanent.
I told you they couldn’t read
What a moron!
I created a gofund me page to help after being blindsided by a divorce from an unfaithful wife and try to maintain a wonderful relationship with my daughter…
I got 0 dollars and still struggling.
Shouldve put gorilla glue in my hair
At this point you would likely be burned at the stake for cultural appropriation.
Or changed your name to Tywone.
I tried to forward this hilarious article to some friends on FB Messenger but it wouldn’t let me. So, out of curiosity, I attempted to send Mark Gullick’s article, and same result. It appears C-C’s contents are completely banned no matter how benign.
Unfortunately a lot of “alternative” websites that are on the mainstream’s no-no list get this treatment. Example that comes to mind is if you click a Bitchute link on twitter it advises that it is a “possibly dangerous site” in spite of just being a video sharing platform.
There’s ways of getting around it – particularly you can use a link shortener or an archival site (e.g. archive.is) to hide the actual linked website address.
I would imagine that most white people, rather than wishing to police a black person’s hair, are simply grateful not to be encumbered with such.
Fair point. As one reaches a certain age and the spectre of male pattern baldness makes its unwelcome appearance, it might be thought that ANY kind of hair would be preferable.
This post – and your comment – remind me that I should be eternally grateful for my genetic lot.
I have a passage here from my book that is very appropriate.
“Negro hair is tightly coiled and crispy in texture, indeed more similar to wool than actual hair, and its appalling quality has always been a source of great insecurity for them, no doubt exacerbated by the arrival of Europeans into their corner of the world. Africans coveted the vibrant and luxurious locks of Caucasians, whose hair they compared to the mane of the majestic lion. In yet another example of a transparently forced explanation, we are told by the egalitarian left that the perception of afro-textured hair as hideous is the result of social conditioning and racial prejudice. This laughable “explanation” is simply ideology and insecurity masquerading as an answer, and a very unconvincing one. It is a failure to reason honestly, easily refuted upon a sober, rationally informed aesthetic evaluation of the thing itself. Even within Caucasian populations, hair that is dry, coarse or frizzy is intensely disliked. This is because hair quality is indicative of health, and it just so happens that thick, shiny, silky, soft, voluminous hair is the attribute of a person in the optimum state of health. Afro-textured hair appears desiccated in comparison, being brittle, crispy, and deprived of moisture, notorious for its hydrophobicity, as if scorched or singed by severe heat exposure. The very term “hair relaxer”, the product used to make their woolly fleece more like authentic hair, implies that it is tense, is agitated, and needs to be tamed. It is in a state of stress, a description which has an obvious parallel with skin inflammation. It is sub-optimal in every respect, and we recognise this on a viscerally instinctual level, as the same principles apply in evaluating the health of human skin, and also for evaluating the quality of plants and soil. Interestingly, this same preference is reflected in our choice of materials for clothing. Rough, coarse fabrics are an affront to our senses, being both uncomfortable to the touch and unsightly, so it comes as no surprise that silk and satin have consistently been regarded as highly desirable, premium textiles in countless cultures, synonymous with opulence and luxury. All of these aesthetic dualities, while manifesting in the supposedly “superficial” paradigm of the visual and sensual, are in clear correspondence with the moral dichotomy of good and evil. No more instruction is required to determine which is which than is required to distinguish ripe fruit from rotten.”
Always monkeying around these people!
“Always monkeying around these people!” Yeah, but now they wanna stick around afterwards.
“Apparently, we will not be a cohesive society…”
…but maybe, just maybe when this society, which has permanently glued itself to tik-tok-tok, social media and the magic of algorithms, touchscreens and voice commands, finally melts into an abyss where nobody can figure out how to hammer a nail…The likes of Gorilla Glue and 3M can step in to fill the void. A new “adhesive” society where everything is simply glued together (physically and metaphorically) for the sake of convenience and lack of knowledge. This will replace the old White Supremicist notion of traditional construction. A space ghetto favela.
Has anyone else noticed the gorilla on the Gorilla Glue label is a White gorilla? He has fair skin and brown hair when real gorillas invariably have black skin and black hair. Obviously, Gorilla Glue wanted their mascot to resemble Homo ghettoensis as little as possible.
“Obviously, Gorilla Glue wanted their mascot to resemble Homo ghettoensis as little as possible.” Somebody should have told them that Aunt Jemima is up for grabs.
U go girl! Systemic raycisum make you put dat gloo in yo shiiiiiiiiiiit. White man owe you!
Your last Beefsquad episode was “The Souls of White Folk” … when can I look forward to the next chat sesh w/JB and you? How’s the nut sack treating you? And is JBs’ back ok?
We’ve done three episodes since that one. We do a show every Sunday night. https://censored.tv/watch/show/beef-squad
by god you are of course correct: apparently my roku is not updating the channel or something?
It’s rare that C-C is a place for laughs, but after reading this, I can hardly stop.
“It just had to be Gorilla Glue, didn’t it?”
I almost fell on the floor. A triumph.
As I said in the comments on The Gateway Pundit when I first read about Miss Gorilla Glue:
Too bad she didn’t glue her mouth shut too. Then she could get The Darwin Award for 2021.
Why would she get a Darwin award for that? Or is ‘mouth’ a euphemism?
As a promo the manufacturers of Gorilla Glue should create an award given out at the end of each year: Miss Gorilla Glue. What a marketing tool.
Tommy Sotamayor has made much about American negroid women and their nasty hair-weave obsessions. Hair-hats, he called them. Got him air-brushed off the internet.
At first I thought this lady had tried to glue on one of those weaves. She actually put this on her own wool-hair?? What for? To avoid the dreaded split-ends?
Anyway, I was walking my dog once, when we came upon one of those hair-weaves laying on the ground. Have no idea who had lost it, but there it was, coiled up not unlike a cow-flop.
Suddenly, upon spying the hairy flop-threat, the dog backed up, teeth bared, barking furiously. I had to kick the flop around for a while to convince the dog it really wasn’t a predator.
Likely the owner was more of a predator than her lost flop was. I guess she had not used enough gorilla glue that day.
I was briefly living with an obese negress (hard times for this White man) and inherited the apartment after she waddled out. I was forever finding clumps of fake hair (or real? I have no idea how you can tell) lodged in the carpet no matter how much I vacuumed. Maybe black hair really is magic. Does it give them their ability to speak, like Frosty’s hat? They’ve got a bald one in Congress, that can’t be it.
1. Will the ‘go-fund-me’ $$$ be used to pay her ER bills? I don’t think so.
2. According Nadia Brown and Candice Benbow, White culture is the reason that black women must spends so much time and energy on their hair. The solution is obvious, segregation into your culture and away from mine. Create your own enclaves where you feel comfortable being who you are.
3. This is an excellent review of Gorilla Glue as a wonderful product when used as intended.
My best boss ever — for over 10 years at a county job — and my friend, was a lovely Black lady, about 55+, who wore her hair very short, very neat and very feminine, with not hint of ‘glue’ of any sort. It can be done, ladies!
The only thing worse than the ‘jungle-freak’ styles that can be sighted flopping all over our TV screens, sidewalks and malls today, is some congresswoman, I can’t remember her name, who is shaved totally egg-style, while her face is glued with a massive pile of makeup. Worst thing ever!
Ayanna Presley of Boston, Mass? Heat and chemicals are hell on bl@ck hair, but the very worst thing they can do is tug and pull on it, as they do when they cornrow and weave. She came down with alopecia and lost all her hair. I don’t know whether she takes personal responsibility for the hair loss or blames systemic raycism.
Yes, but her GoFundMe is doing great! Over $20,000 so far. She’s even called “gorilla glue girl.”
https://www.gofundme.com/f/gorilla-glue-girl
I suppose that is fair value for the entertainment she has provided.
So Candice Benbow asked how would people react if this had been a white woman? I can’t speak for everyone but as a white person I can say I would certainly deem her to be a complete idiot regardless of race.
I don’t discriminate when it comes to stupidity.
Hilarious!
As to the comment that she is now: “much richer than she was only a week ago”. That money won’t last long: all five fathers will soon be at her door (if they remember). 😊😊
Nemesis
Freaking hilarious. Thanks, man.
Only if they can escape from jail.
I had heard a rumor that she is a school teacher. Hopefully this is false.
She is said to run a daycare center called Tessica’s Little Angels. No idea why she didn’t spell it “Angelz.”
Why does the negress feel compelled to culturally appropriate white straight hair? I can guarantee no white person ever encouraged her to straighten. Who gives a rats butt about her hair? It was often dangerous the black girls long braided hair with adornments whipping around on the basketball floor. We kicked them out until they started to call it racist and biased safety be damned.
black women try to mimic white women because they are the least popular race when it comes to dating, even with their own men.
Oh dear. Truth is stranger than fiction. I’m not sure what’s worse: the ill-advised stunt, or that rush to her defense in academic babble.
I know what that stuff does. There’s going to be a month’s worth of hair growth underneath it, and getting pretty goopy now, which will have to be clipped away from underneath or dissolved with hair remover, Then they’ll have to get the epoxy layer off with power tools.
Maybe we can convince BLM that it’s a kind of bulletproof armor?
One of the many outrages in the Victoria Rose Smith case is how the little girl was brutalized with black hairdos well before she was murdered. I had noticed this before, and now see Kevin Alfred Strom at NV has posted some photos of Tori “before and after” being adopted by her black killers. He writes,
“Once the Robinsons got hold of her, they began pulling her naturally soft, flowing Aryan hair into extremely tight cornrows and other “dos,” even some that severely reddened her scalp, apparently to obscure its European character.”
She’s stuck with it forever. Weave not heard the last of this. Bound to come to a sticky end. Lacquer Lives Flatter. It’s been like this for almost a Black History Month. Let’s get straight to the point, stop teasing Tessica – there’s no combing back from this.
As of an hour ago there was speculation Tessica might sue Gorilla Glue because there is no written warning regarding hair. But she’s so dumb that even if she won her case, there would be nothing to prevent her using the product as a douche. Imagine that on Tik Tok.
@ Goad, a wonderful human interest type article. Maybe at some point you would consider a treatise on the big booty phenomenon; how the bl@ck trannies run giant booty clinics where window sill and bathroom caulks are injected directly into the gluts usually ending in misery and death.
If she decided to use it in such a creative way, at least she’d quit cranking out babies.
Please, tell me the booty clinics aren’t a real thing!
They’re real.
https://www.wsbtv.com/news/silicone-injection-to-buttock-killed-ga-woman/241783754/
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/02/nyregion/silicone-injection-death-nyc.html
https://newyork.cbslocal.com/2019/11/14/butt-injection-death-sentencing/
https://abcnews.go.com/US/quack-causing-death-maryland-woman-illegal-butt-injections/story?id=67020486
https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/mississippi-woman-convicted-fatal-butt-injection-dies-jail-article-1.3758875
Blacks are such racial narcissists. They are literally the ugliest race on the planet but they are SO FUCKING VAIN.
I swear to God, the average Black Man is more arrogant than William the Conqueror, Albert Einstein and Da Vinci without ever actually accomplishing a goddam thing for humanity.
The most beautiful blonde is NEVER as VAIN as these APES.
Wow, Count. Don’t sugarcoat it. Tell us how you really feel about blacks.
Well, at least it can be said:
For one month the NAPA wasn’t nappy!
Perched on the brink of chaos? We’ll be lucky if we can stay perched on the brink of chaos.
We have a former White wrestler transitioning to female recently. Why are so many “smart” and educated White men doing this? It seems to me that White men were more stable when most were peasants and less educated hundreds of years ago.
Steroid use?
Jim, you are killing it over here, every week.
A wonderful article that cheered me up immensely, down–way down–south in the People’s Gulag of Victoria (Australia) where we just received our first ration of lockdown for the new year. Some old popular songs come to mind. How about: ‘Too much monkey business’ (Chuck Berry) and ‘Stuck on you’ (Elvis.) Can anyone add to the list?
I think she has a really good case against the glue manufacturer. How can they expect blacks not to use it in their hair when they put a picture of Michele Obama on it?
“we will not be a cohesive society”
Cut her some slack, at least she is helping us to become a more adhesive society.
She has already used her GFM money to buy a new Mercedes.
To give credit to the black cast members of Saturday Night Live, they did a pretty funny and self-deprecating sketch about the Gorilla Glue Girl last weekend, poking fun at the incident and things dumb black people say and do. They threw in one white cast member to ‘take the curse off’, but it was pretty obvious that the target of the sketch was largely racial.
You’re still the same Jim I have loved since the early 90’s! I don’t know who put me on your mailing list but whoever it was, I am eternally grateful! Life is is getting weirder and weirder but this article has made my day. Hilarious. It really is okay to be white! Amor Fati!
WHAT “White Privilege”?????!!!!!
Niggers are just a symptom of the Jewish problem.
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