Including Audio Version by Jim Goad!
Black Men Can’t Float
1,540 words / 10:34
Around 20 years ago, when the Somali pirates started popping up in the news, I was intrigued because you don’t expect to hear that black people are into boating.
Not that I’m much of a seafarer myself — when I recently heard that Barack Obama’s former White House chef “tragically drowned during a paddleboarding excursion in Martha’s Vineyard” on Monday evening, July 24, I didn’t even know what “paddleboarding” was. I thought they were talking about pedal boating, and I thought, “How the hell does someone fall off one of those things and drown?”
I also would have assumed that all drownings are tragic, but maybe there are some genuinely hilarious drownings out there.
At the time of his decidedly unfunny drowning, Tafari Campbell was the live-in chef at the Obamas’ $12-million mansion abutting Edgartown Great Pond in Martha’s Vineyard, which is only about ten miles from Chappaquiddick Island, where in July 1969 Teddy Kennedy drove his car off a bridge and allowed Mary Jo Kopechne to drown.
So what are we to call this incident? Blackaquiddick? Niggaquiddick? Chappanigga?
In a statement issued a week after Campbell’s death, Michelle and Barack Obama wrote:
Tafari was a beloved part of our family. . . . When we first met him, he was a talented sous chef at the White House — creative and passionate about food, and its ability to bring people together. . . . In the years that followed, we got to know him as a warm, fun, extraordinarily kind person who made all of our lives a little brighter. . . . That’s why, when we were getting ready to leave the White House, we asked Tafari to stay with us, and he generously agreed. He’s been part of our lives ever since, and our hearts are broken that he’s gone.
In other words, they killed him. Why or how, I’ll never know. But they definitely killed him.
Details of the event are still scant, and the press has already forgotten about it, but Tafari Campbell and a still-unnamed female companion who was not his wife allegedly launched into the pond on separate paddleboards at around 7 PM that fateful evening. His female friend/mistress/hired assassin (pick one), who was also some sort of “Obama staffer,” told police that she saw Campbell fall off his paddleboard and into the briny muck at about 7:45 PM. “He was struggling to stay afloat before he submerged,” she told police, who allegedly arrived at the scene around 8:18 PM after receiving a call from the woman. Cops claim that when they arrived, the female caller and two other “individuals,” which I’m assuming is a polite word for “Negroes,” were on the water, still attempting to find Campbell’s submerged carcass.
According to a statement released the next day by Massachusetts State Police:
[Campbell] was not wearing a personal flotation device and was not leashed to the paddleboard. The fellow paddle boarder tried to swim to Mr Campbell’s location but did not reach him in time. The other paddle boarder then swam to shore and notified a person on shore of what had happened.
Although “Flight crews, dive teams and boat crews wielding side-scan sonar joined the search, with aerial support from the US Coast Guard,” it took them all nearly 14 hours to locate Campbell’s body, which the Massachusetts State police say they found “approximately 100 feet from shore at a depth of about eight feet.” After an apparently very brief investigation, they determined that Campbell was “standing on his paddleboard, lost his balance and fell into the water, then struggled to stay afloat but could not do so.” They say he “was not wearing a personal flotation device and was not leashed to the paddle board” when he took his tragic and ultimately fatal plunge. They claim that an autopsy found no internal injuries or trauma on his body and promptly closed the investigation, ruling that his death was not suspicious. The only pending results will be a toxicology report, which may take several weeks.
Naturally, in this world where people have been so thoroughly gaslit that no one believes anything that anyone else says unless they already want to believe it, many people find Campbell’s death very suspicious.
They find it weird that Barack and Michelle Obama were allegedly not home at the time of Campbell’s demise. Their daughters Sasha and Malia were seen leaving Martha’s Vineyard the day that Campbell’s body was discovered. Although one would presume that a sprawling estate owned by an ex-president would be fitted with dozens of security cameras, to my knowledge, no surveillance footage has been released to the public. And why the heck aren’t they naming that mystery woman who was paddleboarding alongside Campbell when he descended into Davy Jones’ locker?
For some, it conjured memories of the mysterious 2015 drowning death of white mountain hiker Walter Scheib, who was a chef during Bill Clinton’s administration. Others are eagerly leaping to the conclusion that Campbell “knew too much” about something or other, perhaps his own gay love affair with Obama or that he saw Michelle Obama’s penis with his very own eyes, was ready to spill the beans to the world, and was Obamacided before he could make a peep.
But what if, simply by dint of being black, he drowned because that’s something that black people are very good at doing?
Have we, in our callousness, forgotten that civil-rights hero Rodney King tragically sank like a big black stone to the bottom of his swimming pool on Father’s Day, June 12, 2012, “28 years to the day after his father, Ronald King, was found dead in his bathtub in 1984”? I find it very, very suspicious that all these conspiracy theorists are conveniently sidestepping the fact that “[a]ccording to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Black [sic] children ages 10 to 14 drown in swimming pools at rates 7.6 times higher than white children.”
Mind you, this didn’t happen in a swimming pool, and at age 45, Tafari Campbell was no child, but he was black — and probably still is, if not blacker than ever — and as Los Angeles Dodgers executive Al Campanis famously told ABC’s Ted Koppel back in 1987, blacks just “don’t have the buoyancy” that normal people do.
One reason for racial inequities in the natural ability to keep one’s head above water is the proven scientific fact that “Bone density . . . [is] statistically significantly greater in black than in white subjects.”
Another reason is the fact that compared to whites, blacks simply don’t take to water like we do. According to a report from ABC News in Sacramento from May of this year:
There are some factors that make drowning more likely, for adults and children too. The CDC says not being able to swim is one of them.
There was your answer all along: Drowning is much more likely if you can’t swim.
But let’s give credit where it’s due: Although black people aren’t the world’s best swimmers, they can run like the dickens. According to a 2007 study, all but six of the fastest 500 hundred-meter sprint times ever recorded were “held by athletes primarily of West African origin.”
On the other hand, I perused Wikipedia’s “List of world records in swimming,” and out of 105 records listed, blacks only showed up in three — a women’s four-person relay (with only one woman out of the four being black), a men’s four-person relay (again, with only one black), and a black woman holds the record for hundred-meter breaststroke.
A 2010 paper titled “The evolution of speed in athletics: Why the fastest runners are black and swimmers white” attempts to explain the physiological reasons for why white men can’t sprint and black men can’t swim:
The world records in running tend to be set by black athletes and in swimming by white athletes. We show that this phenomenon is predictable from physics. . . . The anthropometric literature shows that the center of mass in blacks is 3 percent higher above the ground than in whites. This means that blacks hold a 1.5 percent speed advantage in running, and whites hold a 1.5 percent speed advantage in swimming. Among athletes of the same height Asians are even more favored than whites in swimming but they are not setting records because they are not as tall.
But one shouldn’t let science get in the way of a right good anti-white narrative. According to some black chick who writes for VICE, black people have a justifiable fear of water due to generationally inherited genetic memories from — you guessed it — slavery:
The transatlantic slave trade held Africans captive on hordes of ships — about a thousand of these ships sank — with enslaved Africans jumping to free themselves from a life they didn’t choose. The sea became an unmarked grave for an estimated 1.8 million of our descendants, and with that came a collective grief, unspoken trauma, and strained relationship to water that many cannot name.
I think she meant to say “ancestors” rather than “descendants.”
Even though the simplest explanation may not always be the most emotionally pleasing, this all goes to show that one should never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by a God-given inability to float.
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