1,619 words
“Compensating for something?”
I heard the voice behind me while walking out to my car after work. It was one of my least favorite co-workers, a petty and perennially miserable person who complained about nearly everything, especially his difficulty in managing money.
Without bothering to look back, I replied, “No. I just like the car.”
I’ve liked fast cars since I was a child. When I was a teen, I began to hear the small penis canard. It was really quite bizarre: I would be minding my own business after finishing my schoolwork, reading about the latest 911 turbo, the return of Lotus to the US market, or a tribute to the RX-7, and out of nowhere, somebody would take an interest in my penis. As a high school freshman, I put my house key on a Corvette keychain, and, again, my penis became the topic of conversation! These freaks were obsessed with my penis!
These interactions had not crossed my mind in years until I heard of a recently-published “study” discussing the “connection” between sports cars and small penises. One headline begins with the magic words “study finds,” followed by “men who drive sports cars are more likely to have small penises.” Another subline read, “If you have a Porsche, you might not want to read this.”
I’m sure the anti-sports car crowd eagerly awaited this moment: A cluster of researchers at University College London published a paper titled “The Psychology of Fast Cars and Small Penises.” At long last, people who cannot afford sports cars can once again sleep well at night, knowing that at least, according to some dweebs in London, they do not have small penises.[1]
Being someone with a background in the social sciences, but more importantly being a man willing to face his destiny head-on, I decided to read the study despite the warnings that my feelings might be hurt. I needed to man up and face the fact that the fast cars in my garage might be a sign of certain (ahem) shortcomings.
Thankfully for my penis and the penises of car enthusiasts everywhere, the study is objectively junk science and is plagued with problems.
The study manipulated two test groups by telling them the average penis size was either larger or smaller than it is in reality, then presented them with photos of sports cars on a screen and asked them to rate the cars in terms of desirability. Apparently, some men in the group who were told that the average penis is larger than it actually is (and, the researchers assumed, felt inadequate because of that) rated sports cars more highly than the control group.
Of course, rating sports cars as a luxury good is a far cry from owning one. The authors also note that men under 29 showed no experimental effect, meaning there was no relation between the information on penis size and their sports car ratings. It was only with older participants that they found any effect. There is no real explanation for this. It would be interesting to know what percentage of sports car owners began to love sports cars before the age of 29. I’d wager it is very high.
But there’s a much bigger problem with this study. If you want to establish a link between penis size and sports car ownership, wouldn’t you simply measure the penises of sports car owners and compare them to the average? There are three possible outcomes: Sports car owners might have smaller than average penises, larger than average penises, or there might simply be no correlation between the two variables.
The authors of the study dismiss this as a mere correlation, not an explanation. Yes, of course it is a correlation. But wouldn’t determining whether or not there is an actual correlation be a great start? If there is no correlation, then there is nothing to explain. If there were no correlation, wouldn’t that dispel the “fast car, small penis” stereotype?
The researchers state that this study is important since the link between fast cars and small penises is a “widespread cultural trope.” It might even be called a stereotype. But some stereotypes are apparently beyond criticism. This stereotype can offend only men, more specifically men with means. You know, “privileged” men who can afford a fast car. I also noticed that all the images used for this study and the articles on it featured white men.
The fact that the authors don’t actually care about assembling actual data about the correlation between penis size and sports car ownership is suspicious. They aren’t interested in straightforwardly testing the truth of the small penis canard. So what is their goal? I think they are just whoring after grants and headlines by offering support for a prejudice that is widespread in the media and academia, which are full of men who drive cheap, dowdy cars and are probably insecure about that. (I’m sure they’d like us to think they also have enormous penises.)
Professor Daniel Richardson, one of the study’s authors, commented that responses to his “findings” have tended towards amusement and people suggesting that it was merely “common sense” — meaning that a normal person could judge the size of a penis based on the type of car owned by the person it is attached to. I find it quite odd that a researcher in the social sciences would make this claim.
You can buy Greg Johnson’s It’s Okay to Be White here.
When I claim something that actually is common sense and verifiably true, such as the link between blacks and criminality or non-white immigrants and welfare use, everybody loses their minds. The message here is that some stereotypes are actively celebrated, while others might get you tossed out of polite society.
I’d like to see a study on the psychology of the people who hate sports cars and the men who love them.[2] The study in question mentions that women who see sports cars think of masculinity. Of course they do. Sports cars are fast and powerful machines. They appeal to the masculine love of power, adventure, and danger. Of course people look at sports cars and think of penises.
But why do some people then denigrate the penises of men who drive sports cars?
They don’t stop at cars, either. Surely you’ve heard the “big muscles, small penis” canard as well. Some people just don’t like masculinity, thus they suggest it is simply an “act” that “covers up” some sort of posited “inadequacies.”
Could this be projection? Could the real problem be the masculinity deficit of some males (professors, journalists, and other bugmen) or the hormonal confusion of some females? But that’s not the kind of study today’s academics would undertake or today’s journalists would gleefully publicize.
Sports cars represent a distilled form of everything modern liberals hate. They are fast, expensive, and “completely unnecessary.” Moreover, they are elitist and maybe even a bit fascist. They are expensive to buy, expensive to maintain, and often difficult to drive, especially the older models from the untamed era before anti-lock brakes, traction control, driver assistance features, and the like. They do not respond well to inexperienced drivers. If you’re not a skilled diver, you’ll end up in a ditch or dead soon enough. Thus, even many people who can afford sports cars can’t really enjoy them. They are difficult to get in and out of, are uncomfortable, and are not forgiving to the old, overweight, or disabled. Sports cars are thus quite intolerant.
There is something about a fast car that stirs profound feelings inside a lucky few. Not everybody gets it, but it’s not something meant to be understood by the masses, either. It is not for everybody. Liberals, materialists, and overly emotional bugmen could never understand the connection some men have to their machines. But F. T. Marinetti got it:
Up all night, our hearts filled with pride, we sing the love of danger, the habit of energy, and we admire the splendor and beauty of speed.
A roaring motor car which seems to run on machine-gun fire is more beautiful than the Victory of Samothrace.
A sports car can become an all-consuming obsession that only fellow enthusiasts can share. It becomes profoundly personal. Thus to a real enthusiast, the idea that one buys a sports car to make a statement to the general public seems deeply wrongheaded. Those people are the last to understand.
I couldn’t help but smile and laugh while leaving the “fast car, small penis” study in the dust. I had shifted into second gear, throttle down. It was cold outside. The 1990s 32-valve V8 ran with a crisp scream. Colder air is denser, putting more oxygen into the combustion chamber. The gas thus burns hotter and more fully, unleashing more power. This additional power is only a few percent more than on a mild day, but if you know the car well, like you might an old friend, you’ll feel the difference.
The tires grip the road a bit less in the cold. I have to let off a bit near the peak of the engine’s power: The road is curving ahead — a downshift with a slight throttle tap to match the revs. Combining the compression breaking with the pedal for superlative deceleration, it all goes nearly unnoticed. I’m back on the throttle as I turn into the corner, and by third gear, I’m not looking at the speedometer anymore: I’m gone. And I’m free.
* * *
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Notes
[1] Alex Lauer. “Psychologists Finally Studied the Relationship Between Sports Cars and Penis Size.” Inside Hook. January 19, 2023.
[2] Sam Mangioni. “New Study Claims Men Who Drive Sports Cars Have Tiny Penises.” Man of Many. January 17, 2023; Paul Schrodt. “Unsurprisingly, Men Who Crave Flashy Sports Cars May Have Penis Envy.” Hone Health. January 13, 2023.
28 comments
Awesome, love my 03 G35, luxury & power!
My penis? It’s good sized. 😎
Asserting that only a chosen few of superior individuals will agree with your argument is really a slapping great rhetorical strategy. But I have to agree that the motor vehicle trend in this country is profoundly leftist , proletarian-bourgeois and reflects morbid obesity, the side mirrors on a bloated SUV are like the greasy, flabby hands of a welfare queen , I have thought about this a lot and I find it disgusting . More gadgets, more widgets, more safety cameras, more technobabble, nobody needs these fat ugly sad tired cars, there is no reason at all to own one, back in the day 5 or 6 kids could pile into the back of an old station wagon no problem, by the time they got too big they would be off working, no harm done. Great writing
I have little interest in sports cars so I think we can definitely say the contrapositive is not true. You logicians can make inferences from that. 😉 Now, different racial groups have, err, different endowments, and different levels of sports cars enthusiasm. How would that affect the data?
Sports cars are part of the romantic in life, like Armani suits, Gucci purses, and motorcycles and bow hunting for men. Not my thing, but I’m glad it’s there. I would never buy an acid green mustang, but I like seeing them.
Free, eh? Now that explains the whole Bitcoin theory thing, doesn’t it. It would be really interesting to get his story, from his own mouth, that is.
This made me wonder if anyone has done a study on what cars men with big penisis drive? If anyone has an answer let me know so I can run out and buy one.
There is one thing that’s quite certain. That is, 87.65% of statistics are pulled out of thin air.
I don’t know about now, but it used to be Cadillacs and Lincolns.
Funny how it’s the same people who scream about “fat-shaming” and generic “body-shaming” who gleefully indulge in dick-shaming.
And unlike fat shamers and body shamers, dick shamers aren’t presented with evidence before their eyes.
No, but I’ll bet every one of them fantasizes about being shown the evidence.
They only detest fat shaming of women. You never see a male underwear ad with Larry The Cable Guy, just Charles or Ja’quavious Atlas types.
I’m convinced these “studies” are done by and for the types who attend Henry Rollins’ spoken-word gigs.
Well done as alway, Rich.
The 1990s 32-valve V8 ran with a crisp scream.
C4?
Projection is the one thing Freud got right. But a lot of it is simple envy coming from the types of women you’d never see even at Cars and Coffee, much less a Ferrari Club rally.
Im hung like a mosquito
and drive a geo metro, all stock
Nice wheels.
This very evening, I walked past a Ferrari 488 Spider in London’s Soho. The front windshield had been smashed in – by an envious passerby, I assume. Hate it when people do that.
Many years ago, around the time the word came into common parlance, a very drunk acquaintance confided that he has a micropenis. Why he told me that, I cannot imagine; probably one of the horrors of alcoholism. There were also a few stories of the attendant humiliation. I’m pretty sure he has never been–and doubt he will ever be–at the wheel of a sports car.
I was expecting the article to lead into “influencer” Andrew Tate’s spat with Greta Thunberg. He tweeted her saying, “Hello I have 33 cars. My Bugatti has a W16 quad turbo. My TWO Ferrari 812 Competizione have V12s. This is just the start. Please provide your email address so I can send a complete list of my car collection and their respective enormous emissions.”
She quipped back: “Yes, please do enlighten me. Email me at [email protected].”
And isn’t Andrew Tate – whatever our opinion of his shtick – being held (without bail, and without being charged) for political reasons?
Nope. It’s common knowledge for the worse half of Bucharest that he’s basically a pimp. It’s a wonder how even here he managed to get away with it for so long, considering his public profile (at least in certain spheres) and litany of self-incriminating public statements. Do other human traffickers living in Romania get a pass by keeping it low? Sure, but that doesn’t mean he’s not where he belongs.
I find SUVs and modern car “features” to be entirely obnoxious such as power windows (if youre too lazy to roll up a window youre probably lazy in general), along with the notion that one needs lots of room in a vehicle. I would rather be in what I have been assured is an allegedly cramped vehicle that is cool and fun such as an old school VW than some heinous bloated abomination. The push towards comfort and utility in cars mirrors the same slide towards disheveled clothing among the masses.
Is there a female equivalent to this type of envy shaming? Like, her shoes are so expensive so she must be awful in bed? Or, her hair is only that awesome because her vagina is shot??
She’s beautiful, so she must be dumb and shallow.
Well no wonder everyone thinks I’m dumb and shallow!! Thank goodness, I thought it was me. 😉
I’m sure Nick Fuentes and his ilk have a dozen or more of them.
Curb Your Enthusiasm: “Big Vagina”
Andy (((Lauer))) of course picked up the research paper and decided to report on it
This really is junk passing for science. As Rich points out, the most direct way to verify or falsify the “fast car, small penis” canard is to get a tape measure. Instead of testing this meme against reality, the “researchers” simply concoct an experiment that, in some cases, comes up with a similar meme. Well, maybe that’s because these people have been influenced by the very meme in question. You can’t confirm an idea merely by finding other people with similar ideas, since they might be wrong too.
Technically the study claims a desire for sports cars is linked to ‘belief’ one’s penis is smaller. As Twain remarked, ‘There are three kinds of liars. Liars, damned liars and statistics’. As I mulled over figure 2 of their paper, wondering if I could measure up their rigidity and my own, you see a giant spread of the data and lots of exceptions that don’t fit the bill. Most of their effect relates to older guys who had multiple strong outliers in both directs, and most of the participants were young people.
On a general point, the media widely abuses statistics, especially when using words like something is ‘linked’ to something else without stating how strong the association is, or the magnitude of difference. Imagine I have a dime for a coin flip. I might have to flip it millions of times to show it has a genuine bias of ‘heads’ 50.005% of the time. I can then claim this coin is a sham, linked to unfair preference of white heads. Of course the magnitude of the effect is extremely small and this is often left out of the news.
The penis stuff is way too weird for me, but this
Sports cars represent a distilled form of everything modern liberals hate.
is very true. I would say a certain subset dislike cars in general, and mainly for the individualism they represent and facilitate. The real essence of the left is its hatred of individuality and (genuine, as opposed to degenerate-performative-LGBTQ) non-conformity, and this because the latter is associated with true aristocracy (of the mind and soul). The car is for free men; the bus and subway, for defeated proles.
Love the end shot of the sports car in front of Houck’s beloved 7-11. I’m smiling.
“The car is for free men; the bus and subway, for defeated proles.” The millions of us in Nyc are not defeated proles who sleep in urine-soaked newspapers and daydream the depression away to Floridian shores but take public transit (as much as it sucks) cause more cars are a needless grind to the accepted headache of big-city living. The uber-rich and the just-getting-by on subways don’t consider everyday logjam gridlock to and from soul-crushing jobs anything approximating freedom.
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