Commander-in-Queef of the Neuroconvergent Left

1,685 words

The most processed, stage-managed, and synthetic candidate in political history may just be the Frankensteinian perfection that America’s machine politics deserve. The cackle of Hillary, the tan of Obama, and the perspicacity of Biden, have all managed to reincarnate their way into the political avatar of DEI anointed-one, Kamala Harris. And yet she’s the odds-on favorite to move her tote tray to the West Wing come January.

How can such a feckless official and unpopular VP find herself on the cusp of the presidency and, more importantly, breaking the glass ceiling? It wouldn’t be the first time that polls were attempting to socially engineer a fake paradigm. Then again, her opponent is an aged impresario of chaos whose time may have passed. Trump is no Grover Cleveland, and any swing voters who still haven’t got Trump Derangement Syndrome might by now have Trump Fatigue Syndrome. If there’s one legacy of the Biden administration, it’s that a fully cognizant executive branch is not required in the presence of latent bureaucratic mechanisms that take over. Indeed, some voters seem to prefer the combination of a vacuous figure-head and vicarious leadership – it certainly suits the credentials of Harris. Her campaign strategists have done well to confine her to scripted and hospitable settings. All they need to work on now are her shrill voice and box-wine screeds.

The mainstream media also deserves some credit for being able to reinvent Harris as a fresh-faced moderate and blossoming lotus. However, as the campaign rolls on its becoming evident that she’s worn-out and ageing like coconut milk. Even Oprah Winfrey was taken aback by the zone of nebulous delirium that Kamala seemed to enter in her teleprompter-assisted couch rally. This raises the question of what precisely Kamala’s strong suit is. She has never demonstrated any spoken intellect, nor can she adlib or engage audiences with her charisma. She was neither effective nor popular as vice president – except perhaps with the migrants glad that she was border czar. Harris supporters presumably believe that, at some point, she was a consummate professional in her role as a prosecutor and attorney general. But impressive resumés don’t always synchronize with good work histories.

Judge Joe Brown is a fellow former prosecutor from California who absolutely unloaded on Harris in a recent interview, calling her “lazy,” “a piece of shit” and someone who “hiked her skirt up.” Harris was boosted by George Soros as part of the OneWest Bank deal and also the radical legal reform agenda, but Brown argues that it was mostly Kamala’s horizontal exploits that converted to upward career mobility. From being the young mistress to Democrat kingmaker Willie Brown, to sidechick of Montel Williams, back to Brown before ending up with wealthy Hollywood lawyer Doug Emhoff – these are just the on-the-record liaisons. It’s interesting that Trump has suffered damage to his political career because of his philandering while Harris has benefited from her sexual exploits (and the issue remains out of the public spotlight). She’s also somehow avoided critique for being paid big money in the 1990s for phantom consultant work that Willie Brown appointed her, sitting on a board that she never showed up to. What all of this points to is perhaps Kamala’s one and only talent: career progression. Chasing a bigger pay-packet and climbing the prestige scale through social networking and politicking – in spite of poor job performance and outright corruption.

A misleading curriculum vitae is one thing, but people are now learning that even some of Kamala’s fundamental biometrics are embellished. Officially, she is Indian on her mother’s side and a black-white mélange on her father’s side – a mix that might explain her quirky vernacular and call-center like script delivered in a rapper’s cadence. But recent attacks by Judge Brown and Janet Jackson are claiming she has no black ancestry at all, which seems like a farfetched theory given the physiognomy of Donald Harris. But if the sister of Michael Jackson is questioning your blackness, you know you have a problem. Either way, it’s brought into question how Harris can leverage her purported blackness (at best a minority of her ancestry) to use as her prime identity on the campaign trail. For most of her life she’s been brown on the town – but black for the kickback.

When it comes to religious affiliation, Harris has tried to hedge her bets to even greater extent. Though raised “according to Hindu tradition” by her mother, Kamala also claims to have celebrated Kwanzaa, before becoming a Baptist in adulthood. She’s now Shabbat-adjacent through her marriage to Doug Emhoff and lights menorahs when well-wishing Hanukkah to her social media followers. It seems her spirit has been around the block as much as her body has.

Candidates aside, the party that usually does a better job of moving to the center is the Democratic Party. It was evident again at the conventions, where Republicans trotted out the face-tattooed model-rapper, Amber Rose. And who could have predicted that the RNC would book a Sikh woman to perform a Hindu prayer, while at the DNC an archbishop officiated the invocation? Democrats know how to pivot while Republicans pander – often trading good votes for bad. The Democrats have even cunningly attempted to feign patriotism. Where they tend to go awry is with the goading of voters through celebrity endorsements and infantilizing neurolinguistic programming.

Democrats came up with the Joy motif this summer and continued the peace train into the convention, where jubilant multi-millionaires and billionaires echoed the sentiment. Oprah Winfrey is truly a perfect match for the Dems – a successful black woman who had an abortion and is famous for giving out free stuff. Michelle Obama, on the other hand, in her big mic moment rather failed to parlay the joy message, instead embarking on a victimhood grievance diatribe (albeit voiced in an uppity tone). Michelle is about as joyous as Joy Reid or Joy Behar, and many will recall that some of her saltiest remarks came shortly after Barack was elected president.

The selection of respective VP candidates was likewise demonstrative that the Democrats play the pivoting game a little better. JD Vance is no doubt the better debater but it doesn’t count for much when the Democrat candidates get the questions in advance. The Harris campaign decided that Minnesota Governor Tim Walz was the best man to toss Kamala’s word salad, however he’s shown the same weirdness and anger-management issues that Vance has. A camera caught him wrenching the arm of his autistic son at the convention. He also yanked Minnesota’s 130-year-old flag from the mast and replaced it with a corporate-minimalist version that is similar to Somalia’s. Nevertheless, he demographically balances the Democratic ticket and hasn’t gotten any pushback from liberals.

The same cannot be said of JD Vance. A good chunk of the conservative base as well as some prominent insiders were opposed to Vance’s appointment, which is generally a sign that the wrong candidate was selected. Vance was carefully groomed by the Peter Thiel clique and subsequently operation-Dumbo-dropped into prominence after just 18 months as a senator. Affiliated pundit Ann Coulter was thrilled with the choice, on account of his purported hard-right views. The equally seasoned but not so spicy pundit Kellyanne Conway however made waves after it was reported that she was the one sabotaging Vance from within the Trump campaign, by leaking damaging information. It was allegedly Vance’s anti-abortion fundamentalism (rape inclusive), that gave Conway and her daughter the “ick.”

The other significant faction to develop a hillbilly allergy to Vance is the America First bloc led by Nick Fuentes. The groyper king has made a strong case that Vance is an astro-turfed neocon, pointing out that Vance is a big war hawk on Iran and was hysterically anti-Trump in 2016 – maintaining this bias as late as 2021. At the end of the day, Vance does not bring in any votes that were not already going to Trump. In fact, he is off-putting not only to liberals and centrists, but also purist paleocons. Coulter, Carlson and the Trump sons who recommended him should know better than to be impressed by tough stances on immigration and a couple other issues. It does not count for much when the VP role bestows little power, yet they imagine someone to the right of Trump somehow taking the reins. The priority in choosing a VP, much like the entire end-phase of a presidential campaign, is to at least pretend to pivot to the center and ensure that the election is actually won.

This is what makes liberals’ penchant for pragmatism and unity before an election such an advantage – made all the more remarkable because of their diversity. The coalition of the fringes has become a living meme of how the neurodivergent can actually converge through the synchronicity of a moral imperative. In 2016, the bedfellowship was between the pussy-hat feminists and Muslims. In 2020, it was realized that the Democrats were representing the poorest elements of America while also becoming the vehicle of most billionaire donors. In 2024, the alignment seems to be between cat ladies and cat eaters, as well as Dems during the primaries and Dems now. As comedian Andrew Schulz points out, Kamala was unfavored even by Democrats during the primaries, had record low popularity as vice president, but is now seen as the second coming of Barack Obama, because Democrats “get in line.”

Before campaign season even began and with Biden in the state that he was in, it felt like Trump’s election to lose. And given his overconfidence, repetition of prior mistakes and poor advisors in his periphery, it only feels like he has helped the Democrats back into the race. Agreeing to such an early debate with Biden was a terrible mistake that gave the DNC enough time to substitute him out. Had this not occurred, America would be mulling over the difficult decision of a bullet-dodger vs. the coffin-dodger. As it now stands, voters will have to decide whether they want to believe in the lotus to POTUS fairytale, or whether Kamala is in fact a charred Cinderella who’s outlived her DEI fable.

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Tibur Zorodin is the author of The post-Darwinian Zoo.