Counter-Currents
David Duke Reverses Opinion on Jews after Mel Brooks Binge
Spencer J. Quinn
1,649 words
Citing the need to “secure the existence of our people and a future for white children” and waving placards condemning former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke for his “complete and utter capitulation to the Zionist Occupation Government (aka ZOG),” an angry crowd of White Nationalists protested bitterly outside Duke’s new home in Sarasota, Florida last Monday.
“I admit, I was inspired by Kanye West’s recent change of heart about the Jews,” claimed Duke, who was sitting by his backyard swimming pool, looking tan and relaxed while wearing nothing but sunglasses and a bright orange speedo and savoring an expensive cigar. A gold chain with a diamond-studded Star of David sparkled conspicuously from his hairy chest. “I mean, if Ye can watch a mediocre bro-mance like 51 Jump Street and reach his epiphany about the Tribe, then why can’t I delve into the classics of Jewish comedy and come out a winner, too? Anyhoo, how can a no-talent nebbish like Jonah Hill even compare to comedic menschen like Jackie Mason and Mort Sohl? Don Rickles, I miss you, Bubbie!”
When pressed to name his favorite Jewish comedian, Duke said that, hands down, there can be only one. “It was Mel Brooks all the way, baby,” he said. “After Ye said his piece, I said, ‘You know what? To hell with this Alt Right stuff. I’m goin’ on a three-day Brooks binge, starting with my all-time favorite from 1975, Blazing Saddles. I mean, c’mon. Lilly von Shtupp? And an Indian speaking Yiddish? That’s genius! I got, like, everything Mel’s ever done on VHS — except for Twelve Chairs. I still don’t believe all that Holocaust shit.”
The “Alt Right,” a loosely-knit organization of far-Right internet provocateurs which first attained notoriety after the tragic August 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, was shocked by Duke’s announcement. When asked for comment, a fuming Richard Spencer responded, “David Duke, you are a traitor to the white race! How dare you enjoy the movies of Mel Brooks! I am so mad! I am so fucking mad! I rule the fucking world! People like David Duke get ruled by people like me! That’s how the fucking world works!”
Spencer, whom Duke later referred to as a “humorless turd,” was then punched in the jaw by a black-clad, transgender, antifa terrorist named Bert. Although barely phased by the blow, Spencer walked away in a huff while adjusting his silky-smooth hair with both hands and shrieking, “Woody Allen sucks!” to anyone who would listen.
At that moment, Bert announced that the 1983 Barbra Streisand movie Yentl was the greatest movie of all time — better than Cabaret and both versions of The Jazz Singer. “It even beat the 1962 Isaac Bashevis Singer short story it was based on!” claimed Bert, who, as “e-Bert” sidelines as a Left-wing online film critic whenever he is not bashing skulls in with bike locks as part of the Democratic Party’s official paramilitary wing. “It depicted the isolation and rhapsody of the cross-dressing protagonist better than the story, which was a bit too clever and relied overmuch on irony and other tired literary conventions.”
“What does that even mean?” scoffed the clearly annoyed Anti-Defamation League President Jonathan Greenblatt when this reporter asked him for his comment over the phone. “Yentl the Yeshiva Boy is the greatest Yiddish-language short fiction work of all time. Isaac Bashevis Singer had more talent in his nose pimples than that screeching yenta Barbra Streisand has in her entire body. I will never forgive her for releasing a Christmas album for the goyim in 1978 or whenever.”
Greenblatt then put me on hold because he had to “un-fucking-Ponzi that shorts-wearing fried Liver FTX punk,” whoever that is. After returning, Greenblatt and his three attorneys then assured me for 20 minutes that Charles Ponzi was indeed not Jewish, that Leo Frank hadn’t raped anyone, and that Charles Lindbergh was a closet Nazi. He then threatened to sue “into a coma” that brown-skinned shiksa Whoopi Goldberg if she ever called Jews white again.
When I finally asked Greenblatt about David Duke, he read from a prepared statement:
We here at the Zionist Occupation Government (ZOG) condemn anti-Semitism in all its forms, which changes, like, every five minutes, so you should be grateful that you have such diligent Yiddish kopfs like myself keeping track of them lest the next reincarnation of Nebuchadnezzar II, Emperor Hadrian, and Adolf Hitler (cursed be their names!) were to arise in Topeka, Kansas or some red-state haybale hinterland that nobody with an IQ higher than 110 would want to live in, anyway. As for Duke, he’s a piece of shit. He endorsed Trump. Trump’s a piece of shit. Cherem for his grandchildren. Biden did not steal the election, and Jews had nothing to do with it even if he did.
Despite surprising many in the so-called “Alt Right” with his about-face on the age-old Jewish Question, Duke claims that the signs had been there all along.
“Yeah, you know, I always thought Jews were hilarious people,” he said. “Herrnstein and that Shabbat goy Murray came up with IQ in that Bell Curve thing. But they oughta come up with somethin’ even better. Like, FQ — Funny Quotient. ‘Cause the boychiks got it, boy. They tell jokes like Negroes dance and play basketball.”
You can buy Spencer J. Quinn’s novel Charity’s Blade here.
Duke thought for a moment and said, “Hey, Buddy! FQ! Get it? Hahahahahaha!”
After going on a 30-minute tangent to determine his favorite Jewish comedian’s autobiography (It’s Not Easy Being Me by Rodney Dangerfield versus Bouncing Back by Joan Rivers), Duke then described his introduction to Jewish humor. “I was still in high school when I ran away from home to pursue my lifelong dream of a career in musical theater,” he began. “And after I shlepped around Hollywood a bit, I tried out to be one of them dancing Nazis in The Producers. And can you believe it? They turned me down! Me! Here I am, an actual freakin’ Nazi — the blond hair, the blue eyes, a real Übermenschen unit (if I do say so myself) — and I can’t even play one in a movie? The balls on that guy! It’s like I was an extra in Hogan’s Heroes for nothing, right?”
Duke then grabbed this reporter by the lapel and spat out his cigar. “That’s when I pointed my finger at that beautiful Jew and swore to him that if he was gonna stop be from being a Nazi in his movie, then I’m gonna go out and be the best goddamn Nazi the world has ever seen! I’m gonna show him! And boy, did I!”
Slumping back in his chair, Duke began to rub his eyes, clearly irritated by something. Soon, tears were streaming down the chiseled features of his handsome Aryan face. Two scantily-clad young women named Cookie and Brittany — both of whom Duke insisted were over 18 — rushed to assist Duke with towels, which he waved off.
“Nah, get me the one with the microfibers,” he instructed. “The red one. It’s behind the cappuccino-maker in the bar in the family room. It’s better for my eczema.”
After drying his eyes, Duke explained further: “But after reading about Ye, I was like, ‘What have I been doin’ these past 50 years?’ You know? The White Youth Alliance, the Klan, the Nazis, the NAAWP, the run for Congress, My Awakening, hanging out with Solzhenitsyn before he kicked — all of that . . . to impress a Jew. Yes, the funniest Jew who ever lived. But still, only a Jew. But was he the one who turned me down? For decades, that question haunted me. Back in the day, whenever I was havin’ it out with Metzger or Carto or whoever, deep down, it was really Mel Brooks I was ragin’ at all this time.”
Duke struggled to stand and was helped up by Cookie and Brittany, who were cooing in his ears. He pointed his finger at me, jaw set in righteous anger.
“And I said to myself, ‘This is the business I’ve chosen! I didn’t ask who turned me down for The Producers, because IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH BUSINESS!’”
After returning to his seat, Duke regained his composure, faced reddening with consternation. “Those 14 videotapes I have in my room,” he began. “They’ve been calling my name for years, wanting me to watch them. Beggin’ me. Saying ‘David . . . I’m High Anxiety, David. Watch me. No, watch me, David. I’m Young Frankenstein. I’m Spaceballs, watch me! No! History of the World! No, No, Men in Tights! Watch me!” And after what happened with Ye, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I finally gave in. I dusted off the old VCR, plopped ‘em in, and watched them. I watched them all. Over and over. And you know what? I laughed. I laughed until I cried!”
Duke sniffed and sighed like a lovelorn schoolgirl.
“And that’s when I realized I had been living a lie all these years,” he averred. “What Mel Brooks has shown me is that we can laugh at our differences and still love each other. I love everybody now — blacks, Jews, doesn’t matter. I mean, we’re still different. Just because I laugh at a movie doesn’t mean black people are now smart or Jews aren’t the greedy, soulless, Communist parasites I know damn well they are. I still wanna get as far away from those people as I can. But at least now I can appreciate them as human beings and enjoy them for what they are good at. At least now I’m a happier person.”
As I stepped out onto Duke’s driveway that evening, I faced the angry crowd of White Nationalists who were still picketing in the street outside his home. They were still angry at their leader for his sudden shift on the Jewish Question. But then I smiled and thought to myself, “Your boy David Duke is all right. You are all going to be just fine.”
* * *
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45 comments
April 1 comes a little early 🙂
What are you insinuating, Beau? That I made all this up? That every word in this news item isn’t factually correct? Do you have any evidence with which to support your spurious accusations?
I didn’t think so.
Ha! Got a source for that? As in a citation from a peer-reviewed scholarly journal that agrees with my preconceived notions?
Don’t worry. David will be back in his right mind soon enough. I hear he is binge-watching Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Right. Tox and then detox.
That is HILARIOUS.
Thanks for laughs this morning. Much needed.
Any time, DF. Any time.
Now that’s some funny stuff Spencer. Choosing Mel Brooks as Mr. Duke’s epiphany was a stroke of genius. When it comes to much heralded unfunny Jews he’s at the top of the heap. It seems to me that all you have to do is tell the average person that someone is a comic genius and they’ll believe it. Mel Brooks is exhibit A when it comes to to that. I can compile a huge list of other examples almost all of them Jewish. Great read! Made my afternoon.
I’m so glad you enjoyed the article, Fred. Yes, agree on the overall low quality of Mel Brooks’ work. Get Smart may have been the high water mark of his career, although the big gay dancers vs cowboys fight scene at the end of Blazing Saddles is pretty funny. But more because of Dom DeLuise than for Brooks IMO.
Dom DeLuise as Ceasar in History Of The World Part 1 is one of his best parts, along with The French Mistake.
”What’s next, faggot!?!”
That too. “Treasure bath!”
Dom DeLuise as Caesar in History of the World Part 1 is classic! (pun intended)
I’m going to have to watch that film again this weekend.
If given the choice between Woody Allen and Mel Brooks I’d have to give the nod to Woody. I also admit to finding Don Rickles and Rodney Dangerfield funny as well.
You failed to mention Brooks’ Dracula, Dead and Loving it. Quite possibly the worst movie ever made.
Never saw it, but the “He’s dead enough!” scene was pretty funny. I also didn’t mention THOTW part 2 which came out on Hulu this month. I couldn’t seamlessly fit it in, and likewise the previews indicate that it is pretty abysmal, even for Brooks. I couldn’t dream up a circumstance in which my fictional David Duke character would like it.
Get Smart, especially the early seasons, is objectively excellent situation comedy. It still entertains young Antipodeans after nearly sixty years.
The courtroom scene in Blazing Saddles where everyone’s called Anderson was a major milestone in my journey to racial awareness.
Curb Your Enthusiasm could be pretty hilarious. Its that self-deprecating Jewish humor. After a while it grates on your nerves though. You just wanna grab Larry David and choke him.
See, a lot of folks say that but I have to disagree. I’d say LD was in the right in about 90% of his “altercations” or “confrontations” or whatever you want to call them. And that’s why as much as I love Curb, I will always love Seinfeld a little more. The supporting cast of Seinfeld were (mostly) likable and funny eccentrics who were often interesting in and of themselves without Jerry even being involved. The supporting cast of Curb are a bunch of sanctimonious, shrill, and spoiled Hollywood twits who overreact to the slightest bit of adversity or non-conformity. With the possible exception of Jeff, I never gave a shit what happened to any of them.
Reading comments like these from supposed white nationalists, confirms my belief that America is a thoroughly Judefied nation. Scienfeld! Really?
Sorry. Every now and again I have to take a break from Wagner’s Ring Cycle and watching Birth of a Nation on a perpetual loop and relax with something a tad less challenging.
Gonna have to J-check ya there, Spence … there were actually THREE cinematic versions of “The Jazz Singer” featuring Al Jolson (1927), Danny Thomas (1952) and Neil Diamond (1980) in the lead roles. The Jolson outing is generally credited with being Hollywood’s first talking picture though it actually only had a few scattered sync-sound sequences and was largely silent. Also, the political stand-up comic Mort’s last name is spelled Sahl.
Well, could it be that a trantifa film critic named e-Bert got it wrong? But yes, good catch. I made a mental note to fact check that and then forgot.
I’m surprised you missed another inaccuracy: 12 Chairs is not about the Jewish Holocaust. But I left that one in on purpose.
Hey, look … I’m merely a “fact and grammar” Nazi. I learned long ago that any man’s perception of how much a Jewish-based story does or doesn’t relate to the Holocaust ® is his own affair.
Fair.
My brother and me really enjoyed The 12 Chairs years ago, but when I revisited it again in the last year it truly seemed like a shadow of itself. What used to get a giggle brought nothing. The whole story had been drained of any humor for us. I think it was moving further right along the spectrum made the Russian theme less palatable.
But Get Smart never gets old. Especially Rickles as Sid Krimm his old war buddy. Timeless goodness.
Genius! Get Brooks on the phone! Let’s get a screen treatment! Storyboard this now! Title…we need a title…how about The Transmigration of David Duke! Nah, nah, too intellectual. Maybe, The Klansmench! Have your people call my people we’ll do lunch.
The Klansmench it is.
Spencer, I have outlived my sense of humor by several years, but you almost made it bust right out of its crypt.
Hopefully my next piece will resurrect it all the way. And then we can start a new religion.
God that was hilarious! Excellent work, through and through.
(Personally, I think Eliot Gould is funnier than all of them. All he has to do is open his mouth, and I’m laughing.)
Thank you, JC!
Tfw you know the essay you’re reading is satirical but you’re not 100% sure exactly what is being mocked. I’ll just blame it on a long work day and re-read it in the morning when I’m fresh.
P.S. I would also like to state for the record that I appreciated the Hymen Roth homage.
Spencer’s rant and the ‘humorless turd’ quote have made me laugh three times now.
Thanks for that. Those were some of my favorite jokes in the piece.
Soon, tears were streaming down the chiseled features of his handsome Aryan face.
I am feeling verklempt!
How is Twelve Chairs related to the “holocaust”?
It’s not. That’s kinda why that joke was funny maybe? Maybe?
Didn’t work for me!
This may be the best thing I’ve read from Counter-Currents. Sorry Jim Goad. Many laughs this morning, thank you.
Oh, don’t worry. Mr. Goad has already promised to “kill it” so bad in his next Worst Week Yet that you all are going to almost die from laughter.
“There can only be room for one funny guy here at Counter-Currents!” he told me. I think my next piece will be a 30,000-word chapter by chapter review of Plutarch’s Lives (the Dryden translation), starting with Alcibiades.
“Don Rickles, I miss you, Bubbie!”
I mean, if I’m being honest, I kinda liked his anxious, neurotic comedy style lol
Me too. https://counter-currents.com/2022/05/on-racial-humor/
If Brooks hadn’t won him over, the under-appreciated genius of Robin Williams would have. Nanoo Nanoo!!
Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk!
If this article is accurate . . .
It is satire.
Thanks, I was reading it on the fly!
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