The Worst Week Yet:
February 27-March 5, 2022

Taylor Denise Schabusiness, whose one regret in life is that she forgot to hide the head of the young man she decapitated while having sex and smoking meth with him, because it was so much fun.

2,466 words

Having established last week that both sides in the Russia/Ukraine conflict are Nazis, it appears that both Russia and Ukraine are feverishly continuing to exterminate the other side, and the only excitement that remains is finding out which side will be the first to render the other side biologically extinct. In other words, as the kids say, “Nazis gonna Nazi” and “When it comes to genocide, second place is last place,” so there’s no truly enjoyable news from Ukraine’s charbroiled death pits this week.

Instead, I’ve chosen stories which suggest that no matter what sort of atavistic atrocities are afoot in Ukraine, American culture may be operating on a hopelessly more primitive and degraded level.

Mayor Lori Lightfoot: “I Have the Biggest Dick in Chicago”

Lori Lightfoot is the hideous black alien extra in Star Wars crowd scenes and current Mayor of the Windy City who looks as if the entire metropolis has been using her eye sockets as toilet paper. Although as a bonded member of the Journalists’ Guild and a skilled practitioner of the Reporters’ Secret Handshake it is my duty to verify the veracity of a quote the Mayor is accused of making, I would rather take a portable razor and slowly shave off my entire head than fact-check whether Miz Lightfoot actually has the largest male sex organ in all of Chi-Town lurking down there in her musty leisure-suit slacks.

According to a recently filed defamation lawsuit, while squabbling with some lawyers about whether an Italian-American advocacy group would be permitted to display in a parade a statue of the disease-spreading genocidal Dago colonizer Christopher Columbus that Lightfoot had previously removed from public view due to vandalism, the hideous snail-gobbler made the startling claim that she has the Biggest Penis in the Second City:

Get that fucking statue back before noon tomorrow or I am going to have you fired. . . . You are out there measuring your dicks with the Italians seeing who’s got the biggest dick. . . . You are out there stroking your dick over the Columbus statue, I am trying to keep Chicago police officers from being shot and you are trying to get them shot. My dick is bigger than yours and the Italians, I have the biggest dick in Chicago.

Ron Onesti, one of the Italian litigants, defended his manhood as well as that of all his paisans by adding, “There isn’t an ethnic group that deserves that kind of vulgar referencing.”

He’s clearly never met anyone from North Korea.

Teen Who was Competent Enough to Carefully Kidnap and Kill a White Child is Deemed Not Competent to Stand Trial

Last spring I covered the gruesome murder of four-year-old Cash Gernon, a white child who was carefully and stealthily plucked from his crib in the middle of the night as he slept alongside his brother Carter by an 18-year-old dreadlocked black male with the stereotypically 18-year-old black male name of Darriyn Brown. It was all captured on videotape and shows Brown, wearing a mask, slowly approach the crib while maintaining acute awareness of his surroundings. It also shows him returning to the crib hours later, after daylight has broken, but something — apparently a sudden sound — made him flee before also kidnapping Carter Gernon. But it was already too late for his brother Cash; he was found dead from stab wounds in the middle of a nearby Dallas street.

Last February, about three months before murdering Cash Gernon, Brown allegedly “barged into the home” where a two-year-old white female baby was sleeping and was successfully chased away by the infant’s grandfather before deliberately reentering and absconding with the tot. A few days later, Brown allegedly saw the grandfather at a local Walmart, walked up to him, and apologized.

Even though this suggests he was somehow aware that it’s wrong to trespass into houses and steal babies, Brown was recently determined by both the prosecution and defense psychiatrists to be incompetent to stand trial, meaning he will never go to prison.

Although I’ve never heard anyone argue that being insane is a right, it’s clearly a privilege.

The “Oil Check”: The Disturbing Anal-Rape Trend that’s Plaguing Our Schoolrooms and Wrestling Matches

Children are endless sources of joy and merriment with their cute little games such as hide-and-seek, hunting for Easter eggs, and planking, which is why it’s a portentous omen that the latest “hot thing” with grade-schoolers in Kansas involves running up to someone from behind, forcibly shoving one or more fingertips up their anus, and yelling “oil check!”

You can buy Jim Goad’s The Redneck Manifesto here.

According to Jill Shehi-Chapman, a youth advocate in Topeka, Kansas, although many children may view this disgusting practice as a mere prank, it is legally sexual assault: “It’s important to understand it’s not isolated to our communities, it’s definitely statewide and nationwide . . . something needs to change.”

Well, I think that’s the point. What needs changing is the oil. (Don’t feed me a setup line like that one ever again, lady.)

Apparently the “oil check” is also a common wrestling move that isn’t specifically banned by any official wrestling manual, which is technically true in the same sense that electronically distributing child pornography is not explicitly banned in the Holy Bible.

Peoria, Illinois Police Sgt. Marcel Spaulding is a long-time wrestling referee who recently quit after observing a wrestler digitally penetrating a competitor’s anus without being disqualified: “Parents in different sports go, ‘Well that’s part of the game, that’s part of the game.’ For me, unfortunately, being sexually assaulted is not part of the game.”

I’m going to be tossing and turning all night wondering if there’s a sport where sexual assault is actually part of the game.

Ex-MMA Champ with Huge “BROWN PRIDE” Chest Tattoo Allegedly Shoots Pedo Who Diddled His Underage Relative

Cain Velasquez is a 6’1”, 240-pound, heavy-browed Aztec beast who reigned as Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) world heavyweight champion for several years. Of Mexican descent, Velasquez wears a massive BROWN PRIDE tattoo spanning his collarbone whose appropriateness was defended by UFC President Dana White — whose organization frowns heavily upon all body modifications that feature symbols of white racial identity — as being no different than an “Italian Pride” or “Irish Pride” tattoo, although to be fair, Velasquez didn’t have a “Mexican Pride” tattoo, he had one that signified skin color.

Either way, the Mexican supremacist combat athlete is sitting in a central California jail cell being charged with ten felony counts after he allegedly chased an accused child molester for 11 miles before ramming his vehicle into the other car and firing off several rounds, none of which hit his target but a few of which grazed another passenger. It appears as if the alleged perpetrator had recently been arrested — and then released on his own recognizance — for molesting a four-year-old relative of Velasquez’s over 100 times.

One wonders how fearsome this pedophile is if Cain Velasquez felt that he needed a gun.

Meth-Crazed Necrophile Murderer Can’t Believe She Left Sancho’s Head in the Basement

“Sancho” is the generic name used by West Coast convicts to describe the man who has sex with your girlfriend or wife while you’re in prison.

According to the currently incarcerated Warren Schabusiness — who can’t even properly spell his obviously fake, wiggery surname properly on his Facebook page –, he is so deeply in love with his wife, career criminal Taylor Denise Schabusiness, that he is not embarrassed to pledge his eternal love in gangsta-speak to Ms. Schabiusness, vowing to get all schnooky-wooky with her once he is released on parole:

Now baby, I promise you that I’m gonna be coming to get you, it’s your golden year and best believe you’ll be in my arms for it, baby stay strong and always know that your King knows how to do one thing and one thing only, that’s right, what we know best, The Schabusiness Shuffle Hustle❤️❤️. I’m here for you, never have or will I give up on us, we will get through this obstacle/struggle together, baby girl it’s been tough not having you by myside, but you’re what motivates me to stay sane, because nothing or no one could ever replace the feeling I get when I’m next to your sexy ass😘😘 ❤️Love❤️, King PapiiBoo Schabusiness√.

Mrs. Schabusiness gave birth to a child in 2021 and does not have custody of the hapless creature. Until very recently, she was on probation for several criminal convictions, but had somehow managed to wriggle out of her court-mandated electronic ankle bracelet and was having a grand old time doing drugs and rutting with a poor tadpole-face white saplin’ named Shad Thyrion, who would play the role of Sancho while Mr. Shabusiness languished in the Stony Lonesome.

Ever since Thyrion’s mother found her son’s head in a bucket in her basement, Taylor Denise Shabusiness has been in a Green Bay, Wisconsin jail cell facing murder charges and several other felonies.

Apparently either unaware of, or indifferent to, the fact that she had the right to remain silent, Shabusiness told detectives that she’d been smoking meth and shooting up Trazodone with Thyrion at his mother’s house on the afternoon of February 22, which led to a round of vigorous sex in which she found herself driven wild with desire the more tightly she wrapped a chain around his neck and began choking him to death.

According to the criminal complaint:

Schabusiness stated she could feel the victim’s heart beating still as she was choking him, so she kept pulling and choking him harder, but the victim would not die and that he just kept “rebuilding into muscle.” . . . Schabusiness responded that the police were going to have fun trying to find all of the organs as she dismembered the body. Schabusiness stated all of the body parts should be in the basement. Schabusiness stated there should be a foot or a leg in the minivan. Detective Graf asked Schabusiness what she did with the head, and Schabusiness stated she had put the Victim’s head in a black bucket and put a blanket over it. . . . Schabusiness stated she enjoyed choking him and made comments to detectives asking if they knew what it was like to love something so much that you kill it. . . . Schabusiness stated the plan was for her to bring all of the body parts with her, but she got lazy and only ended up putting the leg/foot in the van and she forgot the head.

It apparently took several minutes for Thyrion to die, and Shabusiness says that she’d been driven into such a sexual frenzy that she pushed it all to its conclusion. Police say that when they apprehended Shabusiness, she offered no resistance. When they asked her what had happened, she said, “That is a good question.” When they told her that Thyrion’s mother had found her son’s head in a bucket in her basement, Shabusiness reportedly said, “That’s fucked up.” She subsequently interrupted their interrogation by musing, “Damn the head” and “I can’t believe I left the head, though.”

Her one-year-old child could not be reached for comment.

Black Incel Smears His Fresh, Steaming Feces in the Face of Woman Who Ignored His Amorous Subway Advances

The popularly accepted proper term for a negroidal male who cannot find a willing mate is a “nigcel,” and even though the year is still young, 37-year-old Frank Abrokwa of the Bronx is a strong contender for Nigcel of the Year.

Abrokwa, who has over 40 arrests dating back to 1999 but was out on his own recognizance anyway despite allegedly threatening to murder a Jew in September, was filmed on a subway platform on February 21. He approached a woman sitting on a bench and said, “Hey mami, how come you don’t want to talk to me?”

According to Bronx Assistant District Attorney Grace Phillips:

The complainant did not engage with the defendant. Instead of taking the lack of engagement in stride, the defendant responded with violence. He walked into a nearby idling subway car and defecated in a bag. . . . He then walked back to the complainant and repeatedly smashed the bag and left his feces in her face, head, neck, shoulders and back area. She had feces in her eyes, and hair. As he attacked, the defendant stated in sum and substance: “Like this, bitch?”

When police arrested him at his homeless shelter last Monday, Abrokwa reportedly said, “Shit happens. Haha. This is a shitty situation. Haha.” During his arraignment, he also said, “Fuck you, bitch” to the female judge.

What’s really shitty is this young man’s attitude.

Despite the dozens of arrests, despite the Jew threat and even despite the fact that the day before his infamous subway-platform “shittack,” Abrokwa had been arrested for menacing hardware store employees with a screwdriver and a can of Mace . . . and was released without bail, free to shit-bomb whatever stuck-up subway whore didn’t know a good thing when she saw it.

The whole rotten system is shitty.

When Interweaving Categories of Oppression Cross Paths with Watermelon-Sized Testicles

In a possibly doomed attempt to alleviate this week’s unrelenting unpleasantries, I will close with a story that, while grotesque, may put a smile on your face or even elicit a mild titter or decent-sized chuckle from you.

In case you were unaware of elephantiasis, it’s a parasitic infection acquired from mosquitos in tropical climes that causes massive fluid buildup and the resultant swelling of arms, legs, and — most noticeably — the male testes. It’s a horribly painful, undoubtedly dispiriting, cosmetically humiliating, and sometimes fatal disease.

But along comes an earnest little banty rooster named Gavin Choong with a probing essay called “Intersectionality and Elephantiasis: A Case Study” that appears to argue that it’s not the swollen nuts, the extreme pain, the permanent disfigurement, or the ultimate death that’s problematic here; it’s the fact that these conditions are all severely compounded when you come from a marginalized social class. Choong strains his slanted little eyes trying to find Categories of Oppression into which he can squeeze these men who need wheelbarrows just to cart around the family jewels. The best he can come up with is that the impoverished often have trouble finding access to medical treatment for their beach-ball-sized cojones. And even though male workers are statistically far more likely to suffer from the illness, Mr. Choong says it’s still a sexist disease because it messes with women’s body image somethin’ awful.

“Too often, patients face social rejection because of their physical appearance,” Choong ululates. “However, intersectionality brings us one step closer to eradication of the illness.”

I have no idea what you just said, but I do feel a tad ill all of a sudden.

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