Phil Eiger Newmann, Stew Made with Heart, 2021.
1,795 words
All the Fine Black Cannibals
As a young white child growing up in a 90%-white country where white characters dominated the media, it was easy for a green saplin’ such as myself to conclude that the only two races in America were Cowboys and Injuns. I was vaguely aware of the existence of black people, but you hardly ever saw them on TV or in the movies — and if you saw them at all, half of the time they were depicted as cannibals boiling their human prey in a gigantic cauldron.
Good times.
Nowadays, black people are everywhere in media representations. You can’t see a TV ad or a movie or hear any song in the Billboard Top Ten that doesn’t have black people swarming all over it like ants on a vanilla ice-cream cone on a hot summer day.
But I miss the good old days of a thoroughly enjoyable black-cannibal story, so this week I’ll start off our round-robin of news stories with the grisly saga of Lawrence Paul Anderson, a black Oklahoman career criminal who police say recently confessed to murdering his female neighbor, then feeding her heart to his family members, two of whom he then killed for reasons that are yet unclear. He stabbed a third family member who survived. According to an agent with the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation, “He cooked the heart with potatoes to feed to his family to release the demons.”
Maybe Anderson accidentally released the murdered neighbor’s demons into his family members, forcing him to kill them. Maybe he released the demons up into his rectum just for kicks. Maybe he released the demons into the air, then felt so exhilarated amid all the murderin’ and demon-releasin’, he decided to keep the party going. I’ve never been able to figure out black spirituality.
One would assume that Oklahoma is a relatively hard-assed state when it comes to law and order — especially when it comes to black people, who comprise only 7% of the population. But their criminal-justice system was appallingly lenient with Anderson.
In 2006, he was sentenced to four years for possessing crack cocaine with intent to distribute and also assaulting and pointing a gun at his girlfriend. He was released in less than two years.
In 2012, he was sentenced to 15 years for selling crack near a school in the town of Chickasha, Oklahoma. He served just over five years.
In December 2017, he was slammed with a 20-year sentence for parole violations and new crimes. He was out again after serving about three years.
And then he murdered his neighbor, fed her heart to his relatives with a side of potatoes, then stabbed three of them, killing two — just to release the demons.
Black people. How can anyone not love them?
Obama Claims He Broke Someone’s Nose for Calling Him a “Coon”
Few would deny that Barack Obama is the greatest closeted homosexual president this country will ever see. He also wrote a few autobiographies that allegedly dealt with being a black man in a racist America and how he kept hope alive despite being forced to grow up with rich and caring white people, but I’ve never read them and I’m pretty sure they suck.
Despite all his public confessions, it was only recently that Obama — who has suffered such a fall from grace that he now cohosts a podcast with Bruce Springsteen — revealed he once broke a person’s nose for calling him a “coon.”
Most of the news reports about this story spell it “c**n,” which leads obsessive types such as me to wonder why they preferred that spelling over “c*on” or “c***.”
According to Obama:
Listen, when I was in school, I had a friend. We played basketball together. And one time we got into a fight and he called me a coon. Now first of all, ain’t no coons in Hawaii, right? It’s one of those things that — where he might not even known [sic] what a coon was — what he knew was, “I can hurt you by saying this.” I remember I popped him in the face and broke his nose. And we were in the locker room. And he said, “Why’d you do that?” And I explained to him — I said, “Don’t you ever call me something like that.”
You can buy Jim Goad’s Whiteness: The Original Sin here.
First off, there are plenty of coons in Hawaii. I’ve been there and have seen them with mine own eyes. Extrapolating from Wikipedia’s demographic stats, there are currently about 22,640 coons in Hawaii.
I also doubt that this incident ever happened, but if it did, it’s notable that Obama didn’t identify the hate criminal by race. Odds are that it was some giant fat Pacific Islander who could crush that skinny mook between his thumb and forefinger, which is yet another reason to doubt that he ever broke someone’s nose for calling him a “***n.”
After Obama shared his undoubtedly fabricated story, The Boss replied, “Well done.”
It’s clear who the groveling “c**n” is in that equation.
Woke Ornithologists Seek to Rescue Bird Names from “The Stench of Colonialism”
“Inside the Movement to Abolish Colonialist Bird Names” is easily the funniest headline of the past week, which is why I felt compelled to share it with you. Some white guy who looks like this and some white girl who looks like this have taken up the Guilty White Man’s Burden and are seeking to rid ornithology of any birds who have been unfairly saddled with the names of the racist, sexist, gay-bashing, Jew-immolating White Colonialists who may have discovered these birds and have had their names attached to them.
In the summer of 2020, agitators within this insipid new movement successfully petitioned the American Ornithological Society to rechristen a bird known as “McCown’s longspur” as the “thick-billed longspur” because the hapless and politically unaware bird was named after a Confederate general. According to an op-ed written by that white guy and that white girl — who refer to these racist bird names as “verbal statues”:
We cannot subjectively decide — especially if the adjudicators are White — that some names can be retained because they are associated with less abhorrent pasts than others. We must remove all eponymous names. The stench of colonialism has saturated each of its participants, and the honor inherent within their names must be revoked.
May the Bird of Paradise shit on these two for as long as they shall live.
In other news of wokeness bordering on a grand mal seizure from last week, both Dr. Seuss and The Simpsons were accused of racism and white supremacy.
Slurring Jews in Public Places
Everyone knows it’s wrong to slur Jews, yet everyone seems to keep doing it, anyway. Coincidence? I think not, fair friends, and I also think we all know the reason why.
Fritz Berggren — now there’s a Nazi-sounding name if I ever heard one — is a mid-level diplomat in the US State Department who does somethin’-somethin’ involving visas and Afghanis. It sounds like the sort of job that’s so maddeningly dull, it’d drive even the sanest among us to write a blog called “Blood and Faith” that features articles with titles such as “Jews are Not God’s Chosen People. Judeo-Christian is Anti-Christ.”
Some golden nectar drippings from that entry:
Jewish ideas poison people. They murdered Jesus Christ. How then can they be God’s chosen? . . . Jesus Christ came to save the whole world from the Jews — the founders of the original Anti-Christ religion, they who are the seed of the Serpent, that brood of vipers. . . . Anti-Fa/BLM is not the resistance — they are the establishment. The resistance could be White men and Christians if we man up to it. . . . The revival of Christian nation-states is required for the advancement of Truth. There is no substitute for the public acclamation of Jesus Christ as the King and Lord of a nation.
Sounds like a fun guy. When contacted by activists posing as objective journalists, the State Department explained that they may not be able to discipline Ol’ Fritz if it can be proved he didn’t write any such entries while on company time.
Just as “Fritz Berggren” is a fantastic name for a Nazi, I also think “Bob Hoey” sounds like the type of guy who’d refer to a former Jewish official as a “kike” and then promptly resign from his membership of the Lowell School Committee in Massachusetts.
At this year’s CPAC convention in Orlando — CPAC is a group of Republicans who looooove Jews — critics noted that the high-tech stage design was clearly intended to resemble an Odal rune. When contacted about this accusation, organizer Matt Schlapp “vehemently” insisted that “CPAC proudly stands with our Jewish allies.”
Even though there are more Catholics on the Supreme Court than Jews, a Catholic school in Michigan recently apologized to all Jews everywhere for reposting a 1979 photo that appeared to depict students dressed in Klan robes and sieg-heiling but which, upon further inquiry, depicted students dressed in togas and throwing Roman salutes. Still, the Catholic school apologized to the Jews, which should clear up any confusion about which group is top and which is bottom.
NBC recently pulled an episode of a Canadian production called Nurses because one segment involves an Orthodox man and his father who object to a possible bone graft from a non-Jew: “A dead goyim leg?” asks the father. “From anyone? An Arab, a woman?”
The Simon Wiesenthal Center got involved and forced NBC to yank the episode because it was supposedly unkind toward Jews. As far as I can discern, the passage in question is far more unkind to goyim, but what do I know?
Black activists in North Carolina are now complaining that a new effort to make Holocaust instruction mandatory in schools focuses on Jews and not blacks, who as we all know because they never shut the fuck up about it, have endured centuries of torture and beating and forced labor just for the privilege of living in countries that make Africa look like the shithole it truly is.
These black activists have a point. There was black slavery in North Carolina, but the Holocaust didn’t happen there. Some say that Holocaust never happened at all, but I think we can all agree it didn’t happen in North Carolina.
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28 comments
That sounds like the Hussein Obama I remember, resorting to physical violence in response to some humorous free speech that was spoken most likely to foster a sense of brotherhood but instead Obama supposedly punched the guy in the face without himself having been struck. But at least Barry took the time to give his victim a post-assault victory speech in the locker room, aided by a teleprompter I’m sure.
No doubt there was also dinner, and a show
Obama’s version of locker room talk.
It’s a good thing that fella didn’t call Obama a *i**e*.
Or a p**em*n*t *p*!
I bet he’d have broken more than his nose for calling him a *o***u**i** *a**o*.
I g*v* *p….*t s**ms w* h*v* * n*w k*nd *f Scr*bble
I believe m**n cr*ck*t to be severely underrated.
Catholic students inspired by Animal House? Jews can have objections to the Romans who after all destroyed the Temple, Jerusalem, and drove them out of the Holy Land.
One only needs to search “limp wrist Obama” to see how tough he is. He may have slapped someone, but I highly doubt that pansy ever balled up his fist and hit someone like a man.
Don’t underestimate him. Gawd only knows how many poor souls he’s managed to bore to death.
When I first heard that story, I assumed it was some chick’s nose he broke. I mean, it is Obama we’re talking about.
Most of the news reports about this story spell it “c**n,” which leads obsessive types such as me to wonder why they preferred that spelling over “c*on” or “c***.”
If they had spelt it “c***” someone might have thought they meant “c**t” – which would have been equally applicable.
I beg to differ. A c**t has a use and purpose. Obumboy doesn’t.
Obama’s a jerkw**d.
That cannibal cartoon is quite tame and it’s on YouTube (for now):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkFhZMa-8Xw
Here’s the real thing:
https://christogenea.org/videos/african-culture-see-how-they-run
A word of warning: Once you see it, you will not be able to unsee it.
Unable to play any video from that site. Any advice would be appreciated
Thick billed longspur? Sounds like it’s in need of some good ole southern renaming like **gg*r lipped longspur. Problem solved. Yassah.
You would think that White Nationalism would be the best idea ever put forth since sliced bread, to the Democrats who froth at the mouth night and day at White Colonialism, past, present and future! Now, consider this — we are proposing to withdraw ourselves from living amongst the peoples of color which we are continually being accused of having oppressed in the past, and are now oppressing right here, and are surely dreaming up new ways to continually oppress them the future.
Now, if we were to ‘withdraw ourselves’ from their midst, to a significant parcel of American land of our choosing, wouldn’t that be ‘Reverse Colonialism’, i.e. exactly what they want? Our scholarly writers have produced myriad books and articles on this premise.
We don’t want to live with them anymore; we think our ancestors made a horrid mistake bringing ‘them’ to ‘here’ in the first place. And if we no longer live amongst them, how can we ‘oppress’ them anymore. Damn! Seems like rocket science to me.
Give us a large swath of land, and we’ll get the hell out of Dodge to live our idyllic existence as we please. However, P.O.C”s cannot ask any “foreign aid” from us when their new living arrangements begin to fall apart. Oh, no — we’ll be living in the land of plenty, which we will create, among trees and flowers and properly-named birds, and our busy minds and skilled hands will have provided luxurious living arrangements for ourselves. The rest of ya’all are on your own — no colonial advice from us.
And Jews should rejoice to give us a White Homeland, just as we provided the money and military aid for them to set up Israel in 1948, etc. They should be glad to get rid of us Goyim, their biggest enemy and biggest ‘colonial oppressor’ in every country from Europe to North America, that they’ve ever invaded and robbed.
“And Jews should rejoice to give us a White Homeland,”
WE are the givers. The people you’ve mentioned will never give us anything – but they’re always ready to take. Nevertheless, an excellent post!
”Few would deny that Barack Obama is the greatest closeted homosexual president this country will ever see.”
I’ll ask for evidence for all those claims, Goad. Greatest? Closeted? Homosexual?
Behavior like Lawrence Paul Anderson’s would be considered totally psycho in a White. But in a Black it’s just slightly excentric. Same with other crimes committed by Blacks. It’s just what they do. Same with the fact that Blacks have the social skills of an enraged wolverine. Diversity at its best. Let’s all prepare to be violently enriched good and hard.
Apparently James Buchanan was barely closeted-if that. Was anyone openly homosexual back in those days?
There are cannibals with huWhite sounding names like The Donner Party, Hamilton Fish, and Jeffrey Dahmer but ‘Lawrence Paul Anderserson’ just doesn’t cut it for a cannibal with deep roots in dee Muvvaland; should be Mafoofoo Ugabonga or some such. I read that he murdered the uncle and niece but only stabbed the aunt in both eyes.
Can you guys add some information to Phil’s cartoons when he references real crime stories like this one? If someone downloads and shares that cartoon, simply because it’s racist, the people who see it will likely never know it is based on a true story. At least add the criminal’s name somewhere so people can google him.
Just to be clear the victim of negro cannibalism, Andrea Blankenship, was White:
https://www.oxygen.com/crime-news/lawrence-anderson-suspected-of-killing-leon-pye-keos-yates-andrea-lynn-blankenship
On Covid19 vaccines and conspiracy theories. If you are a rare white exception to the rule and are skeptical or hostile to vaccines and the Pfizer/Moderna/Oxford Vaccines you are an Anti Vaxxer. If you are a black who thinks that the doctor is injecting you with syphilis like the Tuskegee Experiment* did you are what is known as a “Vaccine Hesitant”. What a world.
9 out of 10 whites will probably take the jab. I doubt more than 6 out of 10 blacks will, if that. So don’t worry too much about Vaccine Passorts in Blacked America. Enforcing it will be like getting blacks to get driving licences.
*common myth believed by the bulk of blacks.
Wow.
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