Screaming Blue Mordor
Is The Lord of the Rings Secretly About Ex-Tory MP Michael Heseltine & His Senile Attitudes Towards Mass Immigration?

2,434 words

There has just been another deadly orc attack in the United Kingdom. A 49-year-old binman named Wayne Broadhurst was knifed to death on 27 October (explicit footage here) in Uxbridge by an unnamed Afghan mud-monster who arrived in Britain illegally in the back of a lorry five years ago, but was allowed to stay nonetheless, because the Dark Lord Sauron is now in complete control of the Home Office.

In the aftermath of the attack, a white woman called media outlet TalkTV. “I’m so scared for my children – I’ve got a 22-year-old and I’m begging him to move out of the country,” she said. But where to? The orcs are trooping everywhere across Middle Earth these days.

The caller went on to say:

What are these [open borders] politicians doing? They’re putting our children in so much danger – they’re putting us all in danger. I had a cousin murdered 20 years ago and nothing has changed. Everyone I know is getting stabbed. They’re getting raped in parks. This where I live, not where the politicians live.

Quite true. They all still live in a peaceful place called The Shire, at least for now …

Mental Elf Issues

Hearing this testimony, tech mogul Elon Musk said “enough is enough”, and issued a tweet directly comparing the dire YooKay situation to the plot of JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings novels:

If you don’t know the LotR books, the Hobbits Musk refers to are gentle, smaller-than-dwarf sized folk inhabiting a tranquil, countryside realm called The Shire, which seems peaceful, stable and happy. But the only reason The Shire may be so is because a race of “hard men”, warriors from a kingdom called Gondor, fight battles at their distant border every day to fend off hordes of evil, dusky-skinned orcs, goblins and trolls from the neighboring land of Mordor, preventing them from breaking in and killing and raping everyone—even, eventually, the complacent, blissfully unaware Hobbits themselves.

Of course, Elon’s words were terribly racist, as you may expect from an evil white South African. Wired magazine said so, in a derogatory article which seemed far more bothered about Musk’s tweet than the actual stabbing of Wayne Broadhurst. In great detail, the piece laid out some obscure technical oversimplifications with Musk’s literary analogy—why, it’s almost as if he had to condense his argument about a complex 1,000-page-plus trilogy down into a mere 280 characters or something.

The basic deduction of the Wired piece is that, really, Tolkein’s books are just fantasy adventure novels onto which it is very easy to project your own personal pre-existing ideological obsessions. “Of course, cleanly mapping the ideological worldview of an English philologist and fantasy writer born 133 years ago over the contemporary political landscape can feel a bit futile,” concludes the author. Fair enough: I have previously reached that exact same opinion myself elsewhere.

However, the author then goes on to engage in just such an act of spurious moral projection himself, arguing that: “even a basic skim of the works themselves reveals patent contempt for the sort of bullying authoritarianism that [anti-immigration] agencies like ICE enforce.” Why is it OK for Wired to say LotR is against immigration controls, but not for Elon Musk to say LotR is for immigration controls?

The Gaylord of the Rings

If you project a right-wing viewpoint onto Tolkien, it is automatically illegitimate. If you project a left-wing one onto it, however, it is perfectly valid. Hence, leftard newspapers like The Guardian running headlines like this:

To be honest, I can perfectly imagine someone like Eddie Izzard wanting to see things like that, but never mind. Here’s another from left-wing gayming website Polygon:

No, they’re definitely not accidents, they’re deliberate globohomo propaganda, produced on an industrial scale by the mentally ill.

Meanwhile, even though Tolkien was a committed Catholic, academia now considers it perfectly legitimate to pump out papers about “Reading The Lord of the Rings from a Koranic Perspective”:

Despite its current pious warnings against projecting racial allegories onto Tolkien, even Wired has done this very thing itself before, as in a 2018 interview with sci-fi author Andy Duncan which made headlines after Duncan argued that:

It’s hard to miss the repeated notion in Tolkien that some races [i.e., the darker-skinned orcs] are just worse than others, or that some peoples are just worse than others. And this seems to me—in the long term, if you embrace this too much—it has dire consequences for yourself and for society.

By coincidence, at the very same time Musk was tweeting his own views, another left-wing black “scholar”, Dr Onyeka Nubia, was in the papers after launching an English Literature course at Nottingham University called Decolonising Tolkien, in which he argues the LotR books are filled with “ethnic chauvinism” and “anti-African antipathy” because the orcs, being magically made from mud by wicked sorcerers, have somewhat dark skin. Talk about telling on yourself.

However, Tolkien’s imaginary orcs were actually more likely to have been modelled on the Mongols, not Africans, thus making Dr Nubia’s revisionist re-reading of the texts far more racially inaccurate than Elon Musk’s own ever were. Yet, despite this story being very widely reported in the run-up to Musk’s tweet, Wired chose not to mention or rubbish this particular piece of racial revisionism too, despite its obvious topicality to the issue at hand.

With such double standards in mind, I decided to try and create my own elaborate subjective anachronistic textual reinterpretation of the LotR trilogy too, one much more along Musk’s political lines than Nubia’s. My conclusion? That Tolkien’s books are secretly about the elderly former Conservative Party politician and 1990s UK Deputy Prime Minister, Lord Michael Heseltine.

Me Tarzan, You Scum

Heseltine is a 92-year-old publishing tycoon with an estimated family fortune of £300m, best known for his fanatical love of the European Union, because it supposedly saved the continent from succumbing to fascism or all-out war again following WWII, and for his luxuriant head of hair, which gained him the nickname Tarzan—either that, or the staunch anti-Nazi champion of immigrant rights just really loved swinging through trees in the company of imported monkeys.

In October, Heseltine addressed the Conservative Party conference from his motorized bathchair, lying to attendees how:

The overwhelming majority of asylum seekers want to share in our standards, and to escape from persecution or civil war. To describe them as thieves or rapists is not just dishonest but encourages the worst sort of prejudice in our communities. If you want further proof just visit any part of our health services, social services, public or private sector offices or academia.

Yes, just visit “any part” of these areas in the UK, where, to judge by news stories from the last month alone, you will find:

• Muslim immigrants in NHS hospitals threatening to kill patients they don’t like.
• Muslim immigrants infiltrating social services offices and charities to gain access to yet more underage white girls to rape and threaten to murder.
• Muslim immigrants threatening to behead their lecturers in university teaching halls.

How come Lord Heseltine doesn’t possess any of this common knowledge? Because Hezza the Hobbit lives distant and clueless in The Shire. A classic out-of-touch patrician Tory, Lord Michael lives in a Georgian mansion surrounded by a huge, 70-acre garden, which, as per Musk’s generic assessment, really does stand as his own personal Rivendell, within which Somalis wielding machetes very rarely venture, not even to prune his roses. In July 2023, Tarzan was interviewed by the Mail on Sunday and its Money section, because he has shitloads of it. Here are some quotes demonstrating conclusively how closely allied Lord H is to the common man.

Have you ever been paid silly money?

There’s no such thing as silly money in my opinion.

How about the £3 billion annual taxpayer bill for asylum hotels?

What is the most expensive thing you bought for fun?

My golf buggy. I consider it a conspicuous extravagance, but it is a working tool because my garden, which is open to the public and regarded with some acclaim, spans 70 acres. If someone calls me back to the house, it can be a ten-to-15-minute walk from wherever I am. I bought it for £4,000 in 1992, after I had a heart attack, and I wouldn’t know what to do without it.

Maybe you could  just lie down on the floor and die next time?

What is the one luxury you treat yourself to?

Jelly babies. I have no idea how much they cost because my children and other people give them to me.

A bit like Afghans with their free houses, healthcare, meals, and government-provided smartphones, then.

Taking the Michael

One day, the orcs will turn up at Heseltine’s door too, to scour his own Shire, scoffing all his jelly babies and running him over in his golf buggy, but until such a time, he feels unworried and free enough to disparage his own unknown security guards, those “hard men of Gondor” like the anti-Islam campaigner (or whatever you may think he is) Tommy Robinson mentioned by Musk.

Heseltine hates Tommy, calling Robinson’s recent Unite the Right anti-immigration march through London one long “sickening” episode in scapegoating the innocent. “There will be the odd incident by asylum seekers, yes, because human beings are human beings,” Heseltine admitted, but nothing too serious—innocent stabbed binmen with common council estate names like Wayne being considered wholly expendable in The Shire these days.

Heseltine much prefers orcs to oiks. In the very week of Wayne Broadhurst’s murder, Hezza also declared the anti-immigration Reform UK leader and its leader Nigel Farage as the collective “reincarnation of Oswald Mosley and his fascists in the Thirties when it was the Jews” who were the target, not the blacks and Muslims. On what grounds is Nigel a Nazi? Because “From the moment I first saw him in action, I thought, you’re after the white working-class pub vote.” Quite right, Lord Heseltine, working class white people who go to pubs shouldn’t even have a vote, should they?

Everything in His Garden Is Rosy

Heseltine has a long and proud record of ‘solving’ racial tensions in the past. In 1981, when urban blacks rioted in the economically depressed northern city of Liverpool after the local white police force had foolishly asked them to obey the law for once, Heseltine generously stepped in as temporary “Minister for Liverpool” to save the entire area from oblivion—by building a big park there called Festival Gardens. Which soon became derelict. And stayed so for thirty years. Until it was eventually slated to be transformed into new housing estates. Probably to house his beloved immigrants.

Heseltine isn’t joking here. He genuinely is fuck-witted enough to think he single-handedly rescued Liverpool, a bankrupt, Marxism-ridden, failing post-industrial former port-city, from going the way of Detroit—by planting some delphiniums.

I am from the Liverpool area, and I can tell you now that the majority of normal people living there in the 1980s thought that, when you opened a dictionary at the word “dickhead”, a big photo of Michael popped out. “Jobs not trees!” was the slogan of outraged Liverpudlians at the time, but, being Tarzan, he just didn’t understand. People thought it was a giant piss-take, which it was – it’s just that the giant piss-taker himself was too blinkered to even realize it.

Here’s one skeptical academic assessment of the long-term consequences of Heseltine’s tree-planting program: failure.

Mordor on the Mersey

What state is the city of Liverpool in today? Well, things in the home-town of The Beatles and the world’s leading anti-racist and pro-Muslim soccer club did improve for a while in the 1990s and 2000s, for a variety of reasons, none of which had absolutely anything to do with Michael Heseltine. But now, things are taking a distinct turn for the worse in the city once again – for reasons which absolutely DO have something to do with Michael Heseltine, at least considered as an exemplar creature of his kind, i.e., a complete and utter Hobbit.

There’s a good video here about the chaos, crime, degradation and squalor unleashed onto the area anew by uncontrolled mass immigration over the last decade, which has increasingly been pushed back towards the ailing Mordor of the 1980s once more. In 2001, when I was a university student in Liverpool, the city was still 97 percent white British, and I bet most of the other 3 percent were either white Irish, yellow Chinese, or playing for Liverpool. By 2025, that number had declined to 77 percent, making nearly one in four either non-white or an outsider.

In 2001, there were only 5,000 Muslims spreading peace and love there. Now, there are 30,000. I’m sure it must be complete coincidence that, in 2015, there were 2,230 recorded rapes in the area and that, by 2022, this number had nearly doubled to 4,472.

Brown people sexually abusing girls on buses, Africans openly filming pre-pubescent girls playing in parks, and immigrants attempting to kidnap teenagers from railway stations in broad daylight, are only some of the many benefits that the Hobbits’ open-to-all-orcs border policy has now brought grateful local residents like myself. In 2021, an Iraqi tried to blow himself up in the maternity ward of Liverpool Women’s Hospital, to slaughter all the pregnant mothers and babies, but thankfully he just exploded early in the car-park outside.

But still, as Hobbit Heseltine says, “There will be the odd incident by asylum seekers, yes, because human beings are human beings.” Maybe you could take all these valuable “human beings” into your giant 70-acre garden and take care of them yourself out of your spare £300m fortune, then, rather than pushing the orcs off onto disposable poor people who represent “the white working-class pub vote” to have to put up with, stabbing them and raping their kids, maybe?

What’s the point of building people a park if all you then proceed to do is fill its bushes with lurking foreign rapists? Elon Musk was right: he may not specifically know who the mad old man is, but his tweet describe Mr Heseltine down to a tee nonetheless.

I note Elon has British relatives on his grandmother’s side, who hailed from the Liverpool area. He thinks that, if his Liverpudlian grandmother was a teenage girl in the area today, she might fall victim to one of the orc grooming-gangs. Possibly so.

Interestingly, Tolkien’s real-life model for the dark, smoky, orc-ridden land of Mordor was actually the over-industrialized English city of Birmingham. That’s full of Muslims too, these days. I rest my case, and shall shortly be teaching a comprehensive new course based upon these findings at the University of Nottingham.