My Pet Peeves

1,199 words

Waiters who compliment me on what I’ve ordered (“Excellent choice, sir.”) Waiters who touch me. Anyone who touches me. People who say “time out!” to their children in public. Children in public. “Guys.” People who say “less” when they should say “fewer.” People who pronounce “Porsche” as “Porsh.” Hipsters. People who chew with their mouths open. People who “high five.” Black men with sonorous voices. People who yell out “woo!” at classical concerts while others are applauding. People who give standing ovations to ANYTHING they hear at a classical concert. The word “gay.” The term “African-American.” People who say “go for it.” Women who try to act like men. Men who act like women. The word “diversity.” Old people with no dignity. Really fat people. Women who count out change in the checkout line. Did I mention the word “diversity”? “Wassup?!” People at banks and other establishments who call me by my first name. People who address older women as “miss” (it’s “ma’am”). People who play games on their smart phones in public without headphones. People on trains or planes who play movies on laptops (usually for the amusement of their children) without headphones. Interracial couples. Lesbians of any sort. White people who pretend they think black babies are cute. Being told that Hitler wanted to conquer the world. The word “hate.” I really hate it. British republicans. Foreigners who act like Americans. Orientals with cameras. Television. People who say “what went down?” (ghetto slang) instead of “what happened?” People who say “fuck” all the time, especially young women. Whiggers. Young women dressed like whores. People who text while they walk. People who say “fore-head” (it’s pronounced “FAR-ed”). People who say “misCHEEveeous.”People who ride my bumper. People who will not speed up when I ride their bumpers. “Gender-inclusive language.” The word “gender.” Black geniuses in films and TV. Salsa music. Rap music. “It’s in our DNA.” Museum exhibits with politically correct commentary. Yet another Bond movie publicized with, “This time, Bond is paired with a strong, independent woman” (as if Pussy Galore had never existed). Female narrators in documentaries. Black narrators in documentaries. Male feminists. People who say or write “that” when it should be “who.” People who think “data” is singular. The latest Holocaust movie. Unassertive people. Assertive people. People who are in my way. People in a hurry. People who kiss my ass. People who will not kiss my ass. Little yappy dogs. Cab drivers. People who know absolutely nothing about history. “Happy Holidays!” Whites who pretend that Kwanzaa is a real holiday. White business owners who put up signs in Spanish. Having to press “1” for English. Complicated telephone menus that prevent me from speaking with a person even after I’ve pressed “0.” People who cannot pronounce my (real) name. Phone solicitors. Hispanics who will not neuter their dogs. Hispanics who let their dogs crap on the sidewalk and won’t pick it up. Burkas. People (especially young women) who say “like” all the time. Guys at the gym who won’t rack their weights. Women at the gym. Blacks at the movies. The names “Caitlin,” “Courtney,” “Chelsea,” and “Chloe.” Non-standard spellings of familiar names (e.g., “Jacklyn,” “Karmen,” “Shaun”). Names blacks give their children. People who use the phrase “begging the question” improperly. People who do not divide long text into paragraphs. Anything to do with Star Wars. Anything to do with Star Trek. Grown men who ride on skateboards. The word “partner.” The word “inclusive.” Using “Asian” when what is meant is “Oriental.” Recycling. The term “life hack.” “Have a good one!” When cashiers are chatty with me. When cashiers are not chatty with me. People who surf the Web while they are talking to me on the phone. The expression “surf the Web.” The term “STEM.” The word “spiritual.” People who share their feelings on Facebook. People who share their lunch on Facebook. People with stupid pen names. Virtually any modern opera production. People who give money to bums. People who smoke pot. People who refuse to smoke pot. People who contradict themselves. “Twitter” and “tweet.” Stupid tattoos that don’t mean anything. Smokers. Piercings. Ear gauges. Tee shirts with advertising. People who can sing along with really stupid, banal pop songs that I am shocked anyone would pay attention to in the first place. Comparisons to Hitler. Relativism. Tolerance. Christianity. Ignorant attacks on Christianity. Sacrilegious humor. “Gay Pride.” Transgender anything. The phrase “equates to.” The phrase “at this moment in time.” Improper use of the word “enormity.” Saying “passed away” instead of “died.” People with children who belittle the love that childless people feel for their pets. Loud people in restaurants. People who can’t handle their liquor. Teetotalers. Non-whites who call me “boss.” Restaurants that provide paper napkins. Restaurants that serve hard butter. Overpriced drinks in restaurants. Almost anything any airline does. Subway performers. Skinny jeans. Class rings (unless you went to a military academy). Saying “cocktails” instead of “drinks.” McMansions. Baseball caps. Non-whites and whiggers who don’t know enough to peel the labels off their baseball caps. People who claim they have a “family crest” (there’s no such thing). Snobbery. Porn that insists on telling a story. The word “Nazi.” “The Environment.” Groups of women laughing in public. That nasal drawl that so many young women have today. Rising intonation. Really, really old guys who hang around the locker room naked. Television at the gas pump. Television at the dentist’s office. Distressed clothing. Tweed blazers that come with patches already on the elbows. Double-breasted suits (sorry guys, only royalty can pull this off). Loud ties. Shoes with tassels. Electronic cigarettes. “Retro” anything. Cologne. People who cover public toilet seats with paper towels. The insistence that we cannot begin eating until everyone’s meal has arrived. People who “oooo!” and “uuummm!” while enjoying their meals. People who clean their plates. Any public displays of emotion or affection. The expectation that I should display my emotions. The expectation that there should be any further conversation after orgasm. Bumper stickers. Those tacky opaque, oval windows on the front doors of houses. Wall to wall carpeting. Criticism. A sweater tied around the neck or waist. Typographical errors in books. The comments section on any Website. Jews in restaurants. Orthodox Jews in those awful black outfits. People who want to hug or kiss when meeting me. People who ask personal questions. People who refuse to turn on their air conditioning in hot weather. People who think they don’t have to obey stop signs in parking lots. Croutons. Iceberg lettuce. CGI. Those necklaces girls wear that spell out their names. Steak that is overcooked. Salads smothered in dressing. People who are late. People who say “in my opinion.” People who write “IMO.” People who respond to my opinion by saying, “That’s your opinion.” People who use “LOL.” Repetitive sentence construction. PowerPoint presentations. Flavored coffee. Milk in coffee. Sports fanatics. Broadway. The “continental breakfast.” “Can I help the next guest?” People who say, “Are you online?” when they mean, “Are you in line?” Those self-checkout things in grocery stores. People who are hard to please.

Feel free to contribute something in the comments section below, but don’t expect that I will read it (see above).