Bidet Said Something

^[1]2,885 words

At the beginning of the month, I saw a video about a lady who got a bidet, boasting that her toilet paper consumption was merely a quarter of what it used to be. “Why, that’s nothing!” I reflected to my girlfriend, who was playing the video showing that America already has a Bidet installed in Washington. For additive crotch-cleansing power, he doubles as a douchebag. At six feet tall, he’s a very large douchebag indeed.

But wait, there’s more! If you pull his string, he talks! In fact he did, later that day. The transcript ^[2] is now titled “REMARKS BY PRESIDENT BIDEN ON THE CONTINUED BATTLE FOR THE SOUL OF THE NATION.” The original title actually said “BIDENON” instead of “BIDEN ON,” and this is still reflected in the document’s URL. Yes, this is a nit-pick, but it’s a groaner nonetheless, symbolic of the Bidet régime’s transcendentally cosmic incompetence.

Lyndon Johnson once said, “Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” The quote usually is cleaned up in popular memory, however, where “walk” is usually substituted for the gaseous verb. Be that as it may, it was quite a witty barb. But if one were to say the same thing about Sleepy Joe, it would instead come across as an ill-tempered remark about the mentally handicapped. LBJ was one of the trickiest political figures in modern American history. Comparing him to Resident Bidet is like comparing Loki to Lenny from Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men. Come to think of it, the two retardates have a tragic fascination for girls’ hair, now don’t they?

The speech

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What did the Deep State’s wind-up toy have to say? More specifically, what was put on the teleprompter for him to recite? Normally I wouldn’t care what sounds are uttered by the big phony, but there are some people apt to take him seriously.

He began by pointing out to everyone that he was on the hallowed ground of Independence Hall. This is where the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were signed. (Bidet has a lot of nerve to show his ugly mug there.) This led into a riff about equality and democracy being the United States’ central principles.

This point is arguable if one goes from abstract generalities to specifics by qualifying precisely what the Founders meant by all that. (If it’s really necessary to spell it out, this meant equality under the law, not absolute egalitarianism ^[4] or equality of outcome ^[5], as well as representative government by franchised classes of citizens.) Of course, this part of the speech was sort of a lead-in to the assertion that equality and democracy are in peril, along with a number of other liberal contributions to society:

We must never forget: We, the people, are the true heirs of the American experiment that began more than two centuries ago.

Actually, the Constitution said “ourselves and our posterity.” This meant something specific to the Founders, much like equality under the law and representative government by franchised classes, and was likewise surely quite different from what Bidet’s speechwriter has in mind. After that, whoever was behind the teleprompter got right down to business:

Donald Trump and the MAGA Republicans represent an extremism that threatens the very foundations of our republic.

After that, it is made clear that he doesn’t mean all Republicans. Roger that; he’s only demonizing the tens of millions who voted for their candidate. Very classy! Why doesn’t he wrap himself in the American flag, have a fife and drum corps play an accompaniment, and shoot Roman candles from his nostrils while he’s at it?

Of course, this came less than a month after Merrick Garland ^[6] approved the FBI raid ^[7] on The Donald’s residence. (The prospect of being a tough guy surely caused a moistening in our esteemed Attorney General’s vagina.) This petty vindictiveness is unprecedented in American history, the likes of which would be more fitting in a banana republic. If he wants to take down someone big, he could go after his boss for the times he used his crack-smoking son Hunter as a go-between for arranging crooked deals with foreign governments. Obviously, that’ll never happen; they’re above the law.

And here, in my view, is what is true: MAGA Republicans do not respect the Constitution. They do not believe in the rule of law. They do not recognize the will of the people.

They refuse to accept the results of a free election. And they’re working right now, as I speak, in state after state to give power to decide elections in America to partisans and cronies, empowering election deniers to undermine democracy itself.

The canonical definition of chutzpah is someone who has killed his parents and then pleads for mercy before the court because he’s an orphan. Likewise, the canonical definition of gaslighting will henceforth be Bidet’s speech at Independence Hall.

MAGA forces are determined to take this country backwards — backwards to an America where there is no right to choose, no right to privacy, no right to contraception, no right to marry who you love.

This, of course, is largely coded language signaling to his base. Referencing the “right to privacy” in no way means that Bidet has any intention of dismantling the unconstitutional domestic spying apparatus we’ve been stuck with for the last two decades under both parties. I wouldn’t expect him to, since it offers opportunities to snoop on the public illegally.

They promote authoritarian leaders, and they fan the flames of political violence that are a threat to our personal rights, to the pursuit of justice, to the rule of law, to the very soul of this country.

Where was this towering champion of law and order during the Great Floyd Vibrancy of 2020? I’m guessing he was munching popcorn during the three months of rioting and burning, while his spin doctors were figuring out the best angle to make all the violence look bad for his competition.

They look at the mob that stormed the United States Capitol on January 6th — brutally attacking law enforcement — not as insurrectionists who placed a dagger to the throat of our democracy, but they look at them as patriots.

The only brutality in that event was inflicted on Ashli Babbitt ^[8], an unarmed veteran fatally shot in the neck. Besides that, I recall that there were a few guards who had oddly-timed coronaries soon after the ill-fated sit-in. Were they pointedly refusing to go along with the official story, or was there a sudden epidemic of terminally high cholesterol in DC that week?

Hail to The Thief

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I could go on poking at the distortions, maudlin hype, and all the rest of it, but instead I’ll wrap it up here. I covered under a quarter of the speech, but after that point it started getting repetitive. It’s a hell of a pile of bovine organic fertilizer even at that point. Winning a fair contest is right and proper. Winning a rigged contest is another matter entirely, especially when the smirking cheater accuses the opponent of trying to cheat.

Resident Bidet has been desperately trying to rid himself of the stench of illegitimacy, and failing at it. Much like Lady Macbeth in the Scottish Play — another usurper, as it happens — the infamy can’t be perfumed over or washed out. The speech claims that MAGA Republicans oppose law and order, that they’re against the Constitution, that they wrongfully tried to overturn the results of a fair election, and all that guff. The sheer psychological projection in all this is smellier than Bidet’s adult diaper.

He — or again, the guy behind the teleprompter — was remarkably prickly about the subject of election tampering. The bombastic phrase “wild conspiracy theories and baseless, evidence-free claims of fraud” came up. Who is this gasbag to suggest that ballot results are beyond dispute? Who does he think he is, Comrade Joseph Stolen or something? The Democrats have committed a lot of “election denying” ^[11] themselves, so what’s the problem? The difference is that Al Gore got his day in court.

It’s also funny that Bidet says there was no evidence. By now, a Time magazine article even bragged about this “fortifying democracy ^[12]” (wink wink, nudge nudge) business, and that’s merely what anyone is willing to confess in print. Earlier, the mainstream media called the 2020 selection before the results were in, as if the matter were decided already, and afterward pretended that the results were incontrovertible. Meanwhile, the Big Tech monopolies banned social media accounts of users who dared question the 2020 selection’s validity. All these gigantic corporate conglomerates were colluding as a propaganda arm of The System. This self-appointed Ministry of Truth suppressed debate as much as possible and kept evidence out of public view, an unprecedented information blackout for any American campaign.

That brings us to another thing: If Bidet’s assertion were any more than simple psychological projection — that his campaign wasn’t trying to cheat, but the other guy’s was — then which major institutions were backing Trump that would’ve enabled him to pull off something like that? Which of the two had the support of the mainstream media, the Tech Tyrants, and the entire Deep State, as well as that of a lot of judges who looked the other way?

Other than that, I could discuss key battleground states where the count stopped in the middle of the night, and when it restarted a surge of new ballots just happened to show up — barely enough to push Bidet over the top. I could discuss official observers being turned away, as well as many other things. I could even bring up the recent French selection, which was even more blatantly rigged. I’ll finish with just one more matter, however. There are some nuances, but I’ll keep it simple.

The official figures show Bidet with 81 million votes, the largest turnout in American history. How is it possible that he got more votes than his former boss? Obama was wildly popular with the Democratic base, and got considerable support from independents, too. There was tremendous enthusiasm at his rallies. (I attended one of them, and there was indeed quite a buzz.) The mainstream media practically hailed him as a savior. Some of the adulation went a little too far, like when one of his Left Coast fans called him a “Lightworker.” He was even popular with Lefties abroad, like when The Obomber got a Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush. Thus, the only way an uninspiring has-been like Bidet, whose brain is clearly malfunctioning ^[15], could top that is by stuffing the ballot box. It can be proven on an abacus.

Other themes

This address will go down in history as a turkey, just like Jimmy Carter’s “malaise” speech. The only thing that Bidet got right was the title: There is indeed a battle for the nation’s soul. One side of the conflict, of course, is the United States’ founding population. The other side includes the Deep State, globalist billionaires, and the liberal-minority coalition. It’s obvious who the Commander-In-Cheat stands for, of course.

The speech kept hitting the same riffs, much like an amateur guitarist who learned two chords and then joined a third-rate bar band. Part of this was the superannuated girl-sniffer invoking events that the Lügenpresse has done so much to whip up into evocative narratives: “January 6 — January 6 –Charlottesville.” This much seemed similar to the novice rock star in a smoky dive who strums two riffs in the key of G major and then fingers the C chord.

Other than that, the word “democracy” appears 31 times, seven of these instances preceded by “our.” (That’s laying it on pretty thick; the word “and” is barely more prevalent, appearing 33 times.) I have to wonder who cooked up that cliché “our democracy,” which is so frequently uttered by talking heads on the idiot box as well. Surely there’s a focus group trying to figure out what will resonate in the rubes’ ears. What a thing for these globalist pukes — who only care about power, any way they can get it — to try to tug at the public’s heartstrings by invoking fine scruples about democratic tradition.

Another major theme, quite obviously, was blatantly putting Trump on target. (Someone needs to tell Bidet’s speechwriter that The Donald isn’t running in the midterms.) He also put Trump’s supporters specifically in the crosshairs. Demonizing large swaths of the public doesn’t tend to go over too well. At least when Cupcake made her “basket of deplorables” utterance, it was good for some chuckles. Bidet and his handlers have been making it clear enough what they think about real Americans, especially those on the Right, as if we needed reminding. Lest anyone say it’s just blowhard rhetoric, this doesn’t inspire much confidence in their good intentions.

In the past, chief executives used to be more dignified. Once upon a time, there was a tradition that presidents and former presidents would refrain from criticizing an incumbent or former POTUS. Presumably, this customary gag order would’ve been binding on usurpers who think they’re presidents — or at least who wish to keep up appearances. Carter was the one who broke the tradition. He couldn’t resist running his grinning, peanut-sucking gob about Bush the Younger.

Far be it from a reprobate like me, of course, to uphold lofty standards or complain about undignified rhetoric; that’s not my point. For example, I will say quite plainly and unabashedly that if Carter were any more of a pussy, he’d have a thick head of curly hair, rub his nose frequently, and his big yap would be capable of giving birth. Well, that’s just the thing. I’ll never accuse Dubya of batting 1000, but look at who was talking:  Jimmy the Tooth lost his reelection bid largely because he bit the pillow on national TV for over a year, letting the goofy tin-pot dictator Khomeini punk him non-stop. So the actual point is that if a president (current, former, or phony) breaks the “don’t criticize fellow presidents” rule, and if his own track record isn’t so hot, he makes himself into an absolute jackass.

The legacy of an absolute jackass

As far as I can tell — at least, when Bidet is having a moment of clarity — he wants to be popular and respected, maybe sort of a present-day Harry Truman figure. He craves the reputation of being an able, no-nonsense go-getter. He wants to bear the hallowed mantle of leadership. Unfortunately for him, this will be forever out of reach, largely because of his own corruption. The bitter fruit of that is wretchedness.

I should add that normally I’d have mercy on those with cognitive deficits, but in this instance I won’t be restrained by pity. He did sign up for the position, and surely he was aware at some level of how he was compromising himself. Neither will I be deterred by the “respect the dignity of the office” argument. For one thing, four years of non-stop Trump Derangement Syndrome threw cold water on that tradition. Lastly, if anyone still thinks that the Great Pretender has grounds to get up on a high horse and point fingers, one needn’t look further than the Daily Mail article discussing certain peculiar showering practices ^[19]; the third large photo kind of speaks for itself.

Hoo doggie! I thought LBJ was a loose cannon on deck. I thought Carter was incompetent. I thought Cupcake and her sidekick Chubby Bubba were crooks. I thought Obama was a mediocre ward heeler elevated to a position far beyond his abilities. The Commander-In-Cheat has them beaten on all accounts, and then some. Kamala and (((the Cabinet))) haven’t teamed up just yet to invoke the 25th Amendment, sending their nominal boss to the glue factory; the book therefore isn’t yet closed on this cringing disgrace to American history. Still, even after a year and a half of misrule, it’s looking like a train wreck already.

Say what you will about Trump’s lack of diplomacy, he did have a decent rapport with Putin that helped maintain the peace. In contrast, Bidet’s junta reignited the Cold War. Other than that they have epically bungled a scandalous retreat from Afghanistan, which may have left Americans stranded. They definitely left behind billions worth of military hardware ^[22], all but wrapped in a pink ribbon for the Taliban — your tax dollars at work! Surging fuel prices and runaway inflation appeared as well. Although the government can’t reasonably be held accountable for everything that happens to the economy, they’re certainly not helping in this instance. And as for this supposed inflation control bill, they have yet to advance a convincing argument as to why spending a king’s ransom that they don’t have – and which will need to be borrowed, taxed, or printed out of thin air — is going to accomplish anything positive.

All told, it’s beginning to look a lot like the 1970s all over again, but only the bad parts; they just forgot to reintroduce disco music. Instead of bitching about Orange Man, who isn’t even on the 2022 ballot, how about solving some problems instead? It’s too bad, then, that the only thing the Bidet junta is capable of fixing is an election.

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