Counter-Currents
Steven Seagal in Under Siege
1,416 words
The most urgent political advice I can give you right now is not to read James Mason’s book Siege; it’s to watch Steven Seagal’s action flick Under Siege. Although both came out in 1992, the latter is much more relevant to the problems the world faces now — including the main problem, which is that people don’t know what’s real anymore.
In a maddeningly hyperrealistic, pop-culture-poisoned, terminally postmodern world where people “socialize” through glass screens thousands of miles away from one another and can’t tell the difference between movies and life, perhaps the most frightening thing about the unfolding blizzard of bombs and half-truths in Ukraine is that it appears to be an unauthorized remake of Sylvester Stallone’s 1985 Cold War classic Rocky 4, with only minor plot and character adjustments.
As the story is being told in Western media, the bad guys are still the Russians, only they aren’t Communists anymore. Heavyweight boxing is still a theme, but we have three heavyweight champs as major players, all of them Ukrainians: current champion Oleksandyr Usyk, former champ Wladimir Klitschko, and his 6’7” brother Vitali, who was not only one of the beastliest men ever to hold the crown, he’s been the Mayor of Kiev since 2014. The Klitschko brothers and Usyk have all taken up arms to defend Ukraine. Having a boxer as Mayor isn’t all that much different from having a black pro wrestler and former porn star as America’s President, as was the case in Mike Judge’s Idiocracy.
Until this week, Vladimir Putin was a seventh-degree black belt in both judo and taekwondo, but he had the latter belt stripped due to his recent dalliances in Ukraine. Putin is almost a caricature of masculinity, and my all-time favorite passage in the Internet has been deleted from his Wikipedia page but has been thankfully preserved here:
Notable examples of Putin’s macho adventures include: flying military jets, demonstrating his martial art skills, riding horses, rafting, fishing and swimming in a cold Siberian river (doing all that mostly bare-chested), descending in a deepwater submersible, tranquilizing tigers with a tranquiliser gun, tranquilizing polar bears, riding a motorbike, co-piloting a firefighting plane to dump water on a raging fire, shooting darts at whales from a crossbow for eco-tracking, driving a race car, scuba diving at an archaeological site, attempting to lead endangered cranes in a motorized hang glider, and catching big fish.
“Shooting darts at whales from a crossbow?” snorts Steven Seagal. “What a pussy! Hold my beer.”
Steven Seagal has driven a tank during a raid on a cockfighting ring. He has marketed an aftershave called “Scent of Action” and an energy drink called “Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt.” Despite his morbid obesity, he effortlessly tosses around aikido opponents as if they were rag dolls. He engages in wildly sensuous Chechen mating dances. He’s a Buddhist who was once declared to be a deity by a Tibetan monk. He has fearlessly eaten giant carrots offered to him by Belarusian dictators. It’s a documented fact that if you read the following list of Seagal movies while burning a candle and looking into a full-length mirror at midnight, your testosterone level will raise 250 points:
Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, Out for Justice, Under Siege, Black Dawn, Belly of the Beast, Out of Reach, Submerged, Kill Switch, Urban Justice, Pistol Whipped, Against the Dark, Driven to Kill, A Dangerous Man, Born to Raise Hell, Maximum Conviction, Force of Execution, Gutshot Straight, Code of Honor, Sniper: Special Ops, The Asian Connection, The Perfect Weapon, Cartels, and China Salesman.
You can buy Jim Goad’s The Redneck Manifesto here.
Here I was, wasting most of my life ironically enjoying Sylvester Stallone’s entire oeuvre on a never-ending loop, confident that he represented purely distilled cinematic douchebaggery, and all this time I’d ignored Steven Seagal, who epitomizes toxic masculinity to the point where everyone who’s ever seen his movies, women included, gets prostate cancer. At least Stallone was vaguely aware that he was a douchebag who made indefensibly cheesy movies and could stand some good-natured ribbing about it on SNL, whereas the boundlessly humorless Seagal refused to do a skit where Hans and Franz beat him up. Whereas Stallone’s Rocky sometimes lost the bout and would nearly lose even when he won, Seagal’s action-movie characters were notable in that his assailants hardly ever offered any resistance at all. Seagal effortlessly plowed through all of them like an electric mower cutting down grass blades.
The most wonderful thing about Steven Seagal is how unaware he seems to be about how he appears to other people. He is so utterly devoid of humor that he’s the funniest man who ever lived. He’s like Andy Kaufman’s brash and clueless nightclub singer Tony Clifton, but with everything else inverted — this time around, the entire audience is in on the joke, while the performer is the one who has no idea what’s supposed to be so funny.
It gets even funnier — until you start thinking about it — when you realize that Seagal and Putin have enjoyed an enduring bromance for about a decade. And since I’m at a point where I’ll believe anything I hear because I no longer believe anything anyone says, I wouldn’t be too surprised if Putin and Seagal were to pool their martial-arts skills and offer to fight Usyk and the Klitschkos live on pay-per-view in front of the entire world to determine who gets to keep Ukraine. If the budget allows, throw in some bikers for this real-life apocalyptic action movie, too: Seagal, a world-renowned blues guitarist, once played a concert for the Night Wolves, a gang of Russian separatists and Putin loyalists, in occupied Crimea.
Putin was reportedly introduced to Putin about a decade ago by Bob Van Ronkel, an American businessman who serves up Hollywood stars to Russian oligarchs for the right price. In addition to Seagal, Van Ronkel has also connected Jack Nicholson, Woody Harrelson, Lara Flynn Boyle, Paul Anka, Jim Carrey, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and John Malkovich to Eastern European billionaires willing to fork over the rubles to rent a dancing American clown.
One wonders how much they paid for Paul Anka.
Putin and Seagal reportedly bonded over their mutual love for martial arts. By 2013, the Kremlin had requested that the Obama Administration designate Seagal “an honorary consul of Russia in California and Arizona, with a view to being a key intermediary between Moscow and Washington.” The request was ignored. In 2014, Seagal told an interviewer that Putin is “one of the great living world leaders” and expressed approval of Russia’s annexation of Crimea, which would in 2017 lead Ukraine to issue a five-year ban on Seagal from entering their country.
In 2016, Putin issued Seagal, whose paternal grandparents were Russian Jewish immigrants to America, a Russian passport. Two years later, Moscow’s Foreign Ministry appointed him to the unpaid honorary position of “special envoy to improve Russia’s ties with the United States.”
Although I have tremendous respect for Vladimir Putin, if he unironically admires Steven Seagal, I may be forced to reconsider. But a writer for the Spectator suggests that Putin is merely trolling America by elevating their most idiotic celebrity as an example of the country’s irredeemably “lowbrow culture.”
Last week, Joe Rogan faced scorn after he fell for a fake news report about Seagal fighting for Russia in Ukraine, writing, “If I had to guess the plot of this fucked-up movie we’re living through, I would say we are about 14 hours from the arrival of the aliens.” Rogan deleted the post when it was revealed that the article photo did not depict Seagal in Ukraine; it was a still shot from his 2017 film Cartels. “I deleted my earlier post about Steven Seagal being in Ukraine,” Rogan wrote, “because it was parody, which isn’t surprising, but honestly it wouldn’t be surprising if it was true, either.”
On Monday, in a conversation with FOX News Digital, Seagal refused to disavow Putin. Instead, he pled for peace, implying that this was a conflict between brothers:
Most of us have friends and family in Russia and Ukraine. . . . I look at both as one family and really believe it is an outside entity spending huge sums of money on propaganda to provoke the two countries to be at odds with each other. . . . My prayers are that both countries will come to a positive, peaceful resolution where we can live and thrive together in peace.
It’d be nice if the chubby son-of-a-bitch had named this “outside entity,” but I guess we won’t find out until the sequel.
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44 comments
I’ve never plowed through a Seagal movie,however revisiting Stallone movies from the 80’s have proved to be as unintentionally hilarious as 1950’s Sci-Fi. My excuse for liking them at the time is that I was in my early teens. Richard Crenna is quite possibly the worst actor of all time. He alone provided belly laughs in the Rambo franchise.
Brian Dennehy has always been a great actor, even when he plays a ‘bad guy / asshole’ sort of character, as he did in the first Rambo and in the great western Silverado. He did such a great job of playing those roles, I kept waiting for his character to be killed and enjoyed it when he was rendered dead.
I guess it takes real talent for an actor who you like to make you hate his character so much that you eagerly look forward to seeing him killed.
It was sad read the news of Dennehy’s actual death in April 2020.
Well.. he did a good John Wayne Gacy.
” the great western Silverado.”
I can’t believe you said that, were you being sarcastic?
In Crenna’s defense: In 1990, I interviewed 75 celebs about Frank Sinatra’s 75th birthday. Crenna was one of those I spoke with over the phone. Left a strong impression as a sincere and decent guy. Zsa Zsa Gabor seemed lonely. Henny Youngman was the only one who called me collect.
Was Paul Anka one of the interviewees? In the great white North, Anka is musical royalty, at least one street named for him in our capital city. A great songwriter as well as crooner.
Oh, come on. Richard Crenna isn’t that bad. Sure, he is no Jimmy Stewart but he did a pretty good job in “Wait Until Dark” also starring Audrey Hepburn. Nice, exciting movie for those of you who haven’t seen it.
Nick Fuentes has a really good take.
“I’ve never plowed through a Seagal movie…”
I saw his first five (Above The Law through Under Siege) in the theatres back in the day and liked them a lot. Very politically incorrect.
His third opus Marked For Death would never be made now because the plot involved Seagal beating the shit out of Jamaican and Columbian drug dealers after they moved into a white suburb and ruined it.
And now for the low point of his career:
Steven Seagal feat. Lady Saw – Strut – YouTube
Who brings a tank to a raid on a cockfighting ring?
Nah, that’s nothing.
Currently, Russian soldiers are raiding coops going by tanks.
Russians raided two chicken farms using supersonic warplanes.
Next time they will hunt chickens by satellites and rockets.
Steven Segal showed them what can be done, Russians went where no man has gone before.
Damn chickens. They sparked an war.
US should send Col. Sanders to give those poor chaps a Hot Bucket and stop the war.
Point taken.
Could there be a cockfighting ring in the Ukraine?
I think that tends to take place closer to the Equator.
Cockfighting rings are wherever the Party and the secretary general say they are. We are not fit to question.
Are you Yakov Smirnoff?
No way. Romanian here.
Cockfighting rings are wherever the Party and the secretary general say they are. We are not fit to question.
In america you find cockfights. In Russia you fight the cucks.
And have you much success with that? Because it doesn’t seem like that.
I thought there’d be more about Under Siege, which has been a favorite since I found it on late night cable years ago. It’s relevance to today is that Gary Busey is, for some reason never made clear, in drag during much of the film, thus providing a chilling foreshadowing of today’s Navy.
I’ve been told that the film is riddled with technical errors, culminating in the salute shown in the thumbnail, which is incorrect in form: a final “fuck you” from the film makers to our armed services.
On the plus side, there’s Tommy Lee Jones, who’s supposed to be a master terrorist, but seems more like he’s playing Tommy Lee, or Steven Tyler. I hear he hated Jim Carey, so maybe he’s playing Two Face and Riddler at the same time.
And there’s Erika Eleniak, fresh from Baywatch, whose costumes seem to have been designed by Lady Gaga. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. She’s much easier on the eyes than Gary Busey.
The YouTuber Jason Brant has been viewing every Segal movie, with a couple of friends and lots of sponsored craft beers, and I recommend this to anyone looking for a relatively painless way to work through the Segal oeuvre.
I’ve never seen a Steven Seagal movie. Never seen an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Hollywood got a lot dumber around 1975 with all the remakes and sequels and special effects. I don’t understand the people who decry “modernity” but still expose themselves to all the empty, plastic, propagandistic garbage that Hollywood churns out these days.
Hollywood was making despicable garbage decades before 1975 too, but post 75 had some decent offerings as well.
I’ve never seen a non-stupid Seagal movie, but Arnold has 2 really good ones to his credit, in The Terminator (don’t let anyone tell you that the second one was anything other than trash, and woke trash to boot), and Predator. Both were all time greats. some say Conan the Barfbarian was great, too, but I thought it was just Ok. Entertaining but stupid, not unlike a Segall flick
If you ever do get around to watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger film make sure it’s Pumping Iron. There’s just something eerie about it. Especially Lou Ferigno’s father.
Is that the film where he smokes a joint on camera ?
Yes it is, but it’s Ferigno’s dad’s comments about his son that made my skin crawl
In the 1980’s we would walk to the local VHS video store on the weekend. No-one wanted to be responsible for getting a bad movie and inflicting that on the others, so two of my friends at the time would intentionally pick the worse movies to watch. The trip to the store went fast, and no one had to suffer the side-eye accusations for picking a dud movie.
Zelensky. Kolomoisky. Nuland. Blinken. The ties that bind…
Deripaska, Friedman, Vekselberg, Rotenberg, Abramovici, Mikhelson, Kerimov, Alekperov, Usmanov… what s diverse eorld.
As usual they play both sides
Nah, they play every and each side. Neftalli Benett just asked Zelensky to surrender. I wonder why…. Not really.
It is an apocryphal story about Trotsky hauling “Down with the Jew Kerensky”… you know what I mean.
“Although I have tremendous respect for Vladimir Putin, if he unironically admires Steven Seagal, I may be forced to reconsider.”
Come on, don’t tell that you never saw the mugshot of the young agent Putin. I bet he was contemplating the mirror envying the fresh shave and the white cap of Segal.
He is the most interesting man in the world…well maybe in Irkutsk. It’s fun to see Seagal continue to expand over the years. I think wooden is a bit too kind in describing his thespian skills. Overfed maybe?
Seagal reminds me of a real life Puddy, from Seinfeld. Squinty-eyed, dim witted and wears a fur coat unironically. Puts me in mind of the line, “You’re stupid. I like that in a man.”
I can’t say I have ever seen a Seagal movie before, but I might actually watch Under Siege tonight. And I am least looking up the plot of China Salesman…. WTF??
Above The Law was a good film.
My favorite part: Seagal goes looking for his teenage niece in a sleazy working-class white bar.
Steven Seagal Above The Law Bar Fight Scene – YouTube
Indelibly etched. Also the line in the street fight scene where he tells the guy he’ll kill him in his kitchen. In. His. Kitchen.
I agee. Let me try to upload that link again.
Steven Seagal Above The Law Bar Fight Scene – YouTube
Steven Seagal Is Out Of His Mind | Tom Segura Stand Up Comedy
I visit my local pawn shop in Houston as much as I visit the grocery store. The main dudes brother sits in the back behind a 2 way mirror watching what and who comes in. He is The Young Steven Seagal. I called him that one day and looked at me, nodded and smiled before presumably going back behind the mirror to sharpen some knives.
Spectacular. It takes all kinds to make this world turn. I have seen many Seagal movies. Early on he did have some decent fights where his martial arts skills were showcased, and not in a series of choppy 1.5 second clips pasted together and filmed by a too-close camera. There was always the sweet anticipation of Seagal being surrounded by way too many bad guys, his squint going from medium to paper-thin slit status, and then he explodes. In every action movie ever made, all the advancing horde of 40 bad guys had to do ito win s preplan by saying, “OK guys, this is Seagal. Our plan of attack is this: we all attack, one by one. Frank, you and Tom will hang back 20 feet. When Seagal has taken out 30-35 of our guys, each of you shoot him.” But nope, Seagal mows through 40 guys who come in one by one, sometimes two at a time but that only happens when Seagal needs to throw one at the other.
MadTv was a great skit show from 1995-2009. They did several spot-on Seagal parodies with comedian Will Sasso providing a stunning Seagal voice and movements. His trademark move in these skits is to grab anyone’s head and give it that quick, spine-breaking twist. With the spine-snapping sound effect added, it is quite realistic and used a lot for a great comedic effect. Here is one of many hilarious and well-acted MadTv Steven Seagal skits.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CzCmdJJDk0A
And this, Steven Seagal’s America, by Steven Seagal is also a keeper. There are several of these skits. Poor Millie.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aIfXrgMJObo
And for a good dose of anti-political correctness, here’s Steven Seagal meeting the Dalai Lama
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Rw41SysnHmE
Giving the Dalai Lama the gift of a flick-knife comb was gold.
Mad TV was fabulous. SCTV was pretty good with it’s Russia parody as well. CCCP1 Russian Television, Hey Gyorgi, Upo Scrabblenik. John Candy seems pretty similar to this fellow too. Didn’t Seagal have a sort of Three Stooges slap he would use too? It was a bit convenient that the attackers wait patiently before joining the fight. I think he could take them either way like he handled the monks. He a true master of his domain.
Seagal started off being able to do martial arts in his cheesy films, then got progressively fatter until all he could do was shoot people. Pure comedy. His singing career is hilarious too.
And can we please have a moment’s pause to laugh at the verdict in the Jussie “I AM NOT SUICIDAL!” Smollett case? It wasn’t a great verdict, but it was better than nothing, and at least the half-caste racist will be paying back a chunk of change and doing some jail time. Marvellous! This one’s for you, racist fake hate crime clown!
https://youtu.be/ah6EtTy-tTk
“McBain to base: under attack by commie nazis.” This is the first war where both sides are saying they are under attack by commie nazis. I believe them.
Also, anyone remember the Rambo sequel where Rambo fought a Soviet helicopter, and there was that closeup of the blond Aryan-looking copter pilot grinning right before (he expected) killing Rambo? They showed him wearing a helmet/visor that obscured most of his face and made him look very much like the alien in the movie Alien. Not too subtle, were they.
Ah, the good old red-hating-and-baiting days, when Cold War paranoia manifested itself in America in crap like Red Dawn, where the Commies take over America and are brought to heel by a few plucky survivalist teens; or Rocky IV, with the Aryan ubermensch Ivan Drago, ably essayed by granite-jawed Dolph Lundgren, eventually going toe-to-toe with Sly Stallone’s Rocky.
Also on the commie-bashing front, one-man army Vietnam vet Rambo was again played by Sylvester ‘Italian Stallion’ Stallone, a man who, in real life, had decamped to Canada to draft dodge the very war he would end up fighting again – and winning – for America on the blood-splattered silver screen. Delicious irony.
What a marvellous time for shit propagandist action films the 80s were. Wonder what the Ukrainian conflagration confrontation will bring us Russia-bashing-wise over the next few years. Can hardly wait to see. Seagal’s too fat to fight in them these days, mind you – has Jean Claude Van Damme been counting calories these last few decades? 🙂
If we avoid a new world war and a new Russian war becomes a distant memory, this will still be a very Goad read in one of his future books.
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