The Worst Week Yet:
August 8-14, 2021

[1]

Jake Davison

2,226 words

Making Quality Education Accessible to the Dumb and Oppressed

At an unspecified moment about six months ago when everyone was asleep, this topsy-turvy world’s string-pullers and shot-callers quietly replaced the word “equality” with the much more insidious term “equity.” In the twinkling of an eye, they ditched the idea of a level playing field and instead insisted that all games must end in a tie.

Black people are known for a lot of things — crime, poverty, cannibalism, tapdancing, voodoo, shiny teeth, and giving their children kooky names — but it would be unfair, both to black people and to the truth, to say that they are renowned for their mathematical prowess.

The increasingly unscientific Scientific American wants to change all that. “Modern Mathematics Confronts Its White, Patriarchal Past [2]” bellows a recent headline of an article that unquestioningly relates several stories from black mathematicians — apparently, such creatures exist — about being treated rudely by white mathematicians. It quotes one woman who says that “students of color” keep leaving math Ph.D. programs due to “harassment, abuse, and neglect” rather than, oh, the statistical fact that only about 4 in 10 [3] black students ever bother to complete their college education.

“Mathematicians want to think their field is a meritocracy, but bias, harassment and exclusion persist,” the article screeches. “Fewer than 1 percent of U.S. doctorates in math are awarded to African-Americans, and fewer than 30 percent are awarded to women.”

The article also quotes a black math teacher who suggests that math departments should shy away from weighing math aptitude in potential candidates and instead focus on whether an applicant “wants to help build community” and “will be good at teaching or perhaps good at encouraging women and minorities as undergraduates to continue in this profession.”

Although the essay says that “statistics on the mathematical profession are difficult to ignore,” it seems to carefully evade statistics on the disparities between how blacks and whites, as well as men and women, perform on mathematics tests.

Whites score 86 points higher than blacks on the math portion of the SAT [4].

Males score 18 points higher than females. When it comes to students who would be viable Ph.D. candidates, whites are 11 times more likely than blacks to score 750 or above on the math SAT. In fact, only 2 out of every 1,000 blacks [5] achieve that score or higher.

In mid-July, Governor Kate Brown of the increasingly insane State of Oregon quietly [6] — meaning she didn’t hold a press conference about it, and it didn’t become public knowledge until about a week ago — signed Senate Bill 744 into law. Until she signed the law, Oregon high-school students had to demonstrate “freshman to sophomore-level” proficiency in math, writing, and reading in order to graduate as, you know, seniors. One would think you’d have to graduate with senior-level proficiency to graduate, but that was not the case — not until today, at least. Now, you don’t even have to demonstrate freshman-level proficiency to graduate from high school in Oregon. This new policy will be in effect for at least the next five years.

Charles Boyle, Governor Brown’s Deputy Communications Director, said that suspending even these basic standards will help “Oregon’s Black, Latino, Latina, Latinx, Indigenous, Asian, Pacific Islander, Tribal, and students of color.”

I don’t think the Asians need any help, seeing as how they routinely score about 80 points higher than whites on the math SAT, but how is this not an admission by the Governor’s office that all the other groups are dumber than whites?

Equity. It’s enough to make a guy puke.

The Million-Dollar Slur

As someone who, over a quarter-century ago, was falsely accused [7] by a black guy who tried breaking into my car of calling him a word that rhymes with “ditchdigger,” I’m intimately aware of how blacks have been playing the whole “he called me a word that rhymes with ‘ditchdigger’” game for a long, long time now.

I mean, they’re not that dumb, at least not when it comes to things besides math and particle physics. They realize how much weight that word carries and how they can benefit by claiming they were called a word that rhymes with “boat rigger.”

Dayshawn Rodriguez [8] is a black former employee of Starbucks who is suing the company because he claims they failed to “protect” him from a white woman who he claims repeatedly called him a word that rhymes with the name of the beloved Disney cartoon character Tigger. Although Starbucks representatives say they responded to Rodriguez’s allegations by formally banning the customer from all local stores, Dayshawn — who may or may not have a twin brother named Nightshawn — claims it wasn’t enough. He is suing for statutory damages, lost wages, and “damages for emotional distress and embarrassment.

Shouldn’t he be suing the white woman who he says called him that super-naughty word? And how about suing his mom for naming him “Dayshawn”?

Melvin Berry [9] is a former materials handler for the Tesla Corporation who quit his job not because, as anyone who’s ever spent significant time with black people in an employment situation knows, blacks tend to be lazy and shiftless and will find any excuse to call in sick, but because he simply couldn’t handle being called a word that rhymes with “chigger” during his tenure there. He was recently awarded over $1 million — over three-quarters of which will go to lawyers — for claiming that white workers as well as white bosses couldn’t stop calling him a word that almost rhymes with “go figure.”

Roughly a hundred other black Tesla employees are now involved in a class-action lawsuit claiming that at a factory in California, they were repeatedly subjected to the “N-word” (a term which is itself becoming so offensive that henceforth I will refer to it as “a term which sounds like ‘inward’”) as well as ceaseless examples of “KKK signs and swastikas spray-painted on bathroom stalls.”

Is this place hiring?

Seeing and Hearing Imaginary “Niggers”

Last Sunday at a baseball game in Colorado between the home team Rockies and the visiting Miami Marlins, as a black Florida player named Lewis Brinson was at the plate, a fan twice shouted out something that sounded to many people like The Worst Word in the English Language. You can hear it for yourself here [10].

The outrage was predictably swift and Rockies management immediately launched an investigation, which concluded that the fan was merely shouting out to the team’s mascot, “Dinger.”

To avoid any such unfortunate occurrences in the future, I demand that the Rockies change the name of their mascot to “Dayshawn.”

Back 4 Blood is a video game still in its beta stage. It is described as the “spiritual successor [11]” of a game called Left 4 Dead, which apparently involves shooting and killing zombies before they eat you. But none of all this mayhem and gore is the offensive part. During a beta screening, many players thought they heard a zombie screaming a word that rhymes with “Dinger” when it was shot. You can hear it here [12].

Turtle Rock Studios, producers of Back 4 Blood, have sworn that this is a coincidence and that when the game is released for sale, no zombies will hurl racial slurs while being shot.

The University of Wisconsin at Madison recently spent an estimated $50,000 to remove a 70-ton boulder from its campus because it had been deemed — mostly by black students — to be a “painful symbol of racism [13].” Formally known as Chamberlin Rock, the boulder had sat peacefully on campus since 1925.

University spokesman Gary Brown released a statement about the boulder’s removal:

Moving the rock to this remote site prevents further harm to our community while preserving the rock’s educational and research value for current and future scholars. Students and the general public will no longer casually encounter the rock, but it will remain available to those specifically seeking it out for teaching and learning purposes.

Why was the rock removed? Because in 1925 — and university historians say this is the only known occurrence of the term being used — an article in the Wisconsin State Journal referred to it as “Niggerhead Rock [14].”

One man’s painful symbol of racism is another man’s hilarious symbol of racism. Different strokes, and all that.

QAnutty: Man Cited QAnon Theory About “Serpent DNA” to Explain Why He Murdered His Children

The QAnon cult was such a deeply embarrassing example of the bottomless gullibility of some Americans that it’s hard not to think that the hoax was perpetrated by someone who hated Donald Trump. Nothing that it predicted came to pass, and I’ve yet to see the actual videotape of Hillary Clinton murdering a child and drinking its blood, so I remain steadfastly dubious about the veracity of the whole shebang.

Matthew Taylor Coleman [15] is a 40-year-old owner of a surfing shop in California. Until last week, he was the father of a 2-year-old son and a 10-month-old daughter. But according to an FBI affidavit, he took his children to Mexico, killed them with a spear gun, and dumped their bodies in a ditch because the self-described QAnon acolyte told investigators he’d been “receiving visions and signs revealing that his wife possessed serpent DNA and had passed it onto his children,” and that by spearing them to death, he was “saving the world from monsters.”

I’ve been saying it for years: Never trust a surfer.

Comic-Book Hero Robin “The Boy Wonder” Comes Out as Bisexual; Batman Remains in the Closet

In his 1954 book Seduction of the Innocent, psychiatrist Fredric Wertham claimed that the comic-book duo of Batman and Robin was “like a wish-dream of two homosexuals living together.”

What was it that tipped him off? The tight shorts? The complete disinterest in women? The fact that they lived together at Bruce Wayne’s mansion along with a male butler? They fact that they slept in the same bed [16] and woke up needing a cold shower? Their naked trips to the tanning salon [17]? The fact that the original Robin’s first name was “Dick”?

After 80 years of dropping hints the size of the bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima, the August issue of Batman: Urban Legends [18] has the newest iteration of Robin — whose name is not Dick Grayson but rather Tim Drake — agreeing to go out on a date with another man.

Writer Elizabeth Fitzmartin says she wanted “to pay tribute to the fact that sexuality is a journey. . . . Look, I don’t know if this is something that can happen, but this is the story, because it’s the only story it can be.”

Not true, Liz. You didn’t have to turn the Boy Wonder into a fag. He could have been treated with Thorazine, electroshock therapy, and a yearlong regimen of 24-hour conversion therapy in a cramped and locked room.

Another Week, Another Mass Shooting by an Incel

While many on the “Dissident Right” insist that the incel crisis is women’s fault, I doubt they’d say that ugly women who can’t find mates is men’s fault. They’d tend to blame women in both cases, which, I submit to the jury, may be partially to blame for the fact that many of them can’t seem to find women willing to date them. Like all other humans, women don’t like to be blamed for everything.

Since 2009, incels have gone on killing sprees that, depending on whose estimates you trust and who qualifies as an “incel,” have killed at least 65 people. The body counts here are in parentheses and only count murder victims, not incel suicides or collateral injuries:

You can add to that total the five Brits who were gunned down last week by 22-year-old Jake Davison [29], a self-described “fucking fat ugly virgin [30]” who used a pump-action shotgun to murder his mother and four others over a six-minute spree before turning the gun on himself. Davison had posted to various online incel message boards and also subscribed to IncelTV on YouTube. He said he hadn’t even spoken to a girl since he was 17.

The following is a mishmash of comments both from Davison’s online posts and from YouTube videos he made under the nom de video “Professor Waffle”:

You wake up and you stare at the wall and you’re thinking, um, nothing’s changed but I’m still in the same position, same period in life, still a fucking this, that virgin fucking fat ugly.

I used to be OK with being a virgin too, but when you get older and the inferiority complex kicks in and the feeling of despair and missing out occurs . . .

Try being an unemployed, autistic, poor, sexually frustrated male with tons of health issues, no social circle and being stuck in government housing with my mother for years on end, having missed out on so much in life.

It’s not just sex and teen romance I feel I missed out on, I feel I missed out on the entire teenage experience. Since leaving school I don’t have any friends.

Feel my mother has played a role in [me] being a male virgin.

Why, it’s almost as if he never considered going on a diet, copping a shave, getting a haircut, and going to charm school.

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