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The Greatest Jewish Joke Ever Told

[1]1,392 words

So, did you hear the one about the Jewish comedian?

The joke I am about to tell is probably the most sophisticated joke I have ever heard. It is so breathtakingly multifaceted, that it may even lose some of its humor as its punch line keeps bouncing in the squash court of your mind after it’s told. And that’s okay. It’s not the funniest Jewish joke in the world, but it may just be the greatest — and for more than one reason.

Often, a joke requires an inversion of some kind in which the listener is expecting one thing from one aspect of life and receives something else entirely from a different aspect of life. Further, the joke must maintain a superficial continuity throughout, despite the obvious dissonance produced by its inversion. In sticking with the theme of Jewish humor, here is a fairly mediocre example:

Did you hear about the new Jewish Car? Not only does it stop on a dime, but it picks it up!

The double meaning of the word “dime” (i.e., something small vs. unit of money) keeps the continuity, while we all know the joke moves from something innocent (cars) to something not so innocent (making fun of Jews). The joke, of course, is not very clever since it relies on a hackneyed expression and a hackneyed stereotype for its punchline, which a fairly knowledgeable person can see coming. Funny if you’re in fourth grade and your Jewish friend just snubbed you.

A better example would be this, which might be the funniest Jewish joke of all time:

A Jew is lugging a big suitcase on a train. He approaches a man and says, “Excuse me, sir, are you anti-Semitic?”

The man responds, “Of course not! I have tremendous respect for the Jewish people.”

The Jew then thanks him and moves to the next car where he finds a woman. He asks her, “Excuse me, Ma’am, are you anti-Semitic?”

The woman responds, “Of course not! Some of my dearest friends are Jews.”

The Jew then thanks her and moves from car to car asking the same question of people and receiving essentially the same answer until he reaches the caboose. Thereupon, he finds an old, grizzled, poorly-dressed man who appears to be in foul humor. He asks, “Excuse me, sir, are anti-Semitic?”

The old man glares at him with a jaundiced eye and declares, “Hell, yeah, I’m anti-Semitic! I hate those damn kikes!”

The Jew responds, “Ah, finally, an honest man. Listen, would you mind keeping an eye on my suitcase while I go use the toilet?”


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So the inversion here is quite clever — and it is multifaceted. The Jew seems to be interested in something important (i.e., anti-Semitism) when all he really wants to do is take a leak. Further, the joke props up anti-Semitism as something bad, only to redeem it in the end though its honesty. And the suitcase is the maguffin that binds it all together. The joke isn’t even mean-spirited. Anyone with a little experience in life can enjoy it. Brilliant.

But that’s not the joke I wanted to share with you today. The joke I want to share with you today — that is, the Jewish comedian joke — is stratospherically more sophisticated than the Jew-on-a-Train joke. It is probably more sophisticated than Jew-on-a-Train by the same order that the Jew-on-a-Train is to the Jewish car joke. That is, whoever wrote this joke has mastered the quantum physics of comedy. His Jew-fu is off the charts. He’s like a circumcised Bruce Lee in the Matrix with eyes in the back of his head shooting lasers through his yarmulke. But more than for technical reasons, this joke I am about to tell, resonates. I don’t mean (((resonates))). I mean, like all great jokes, it really does resonate meaning. It underscores a profound truth about Western Civilization. In fact, it is so profound that every self-identifying white person should know this joke.

Here it is:

A Jewish comedian gets up on stage and announces that he is going to tell three gentile jokes.

“First gentile joke!” he says. “A young gentile man is getting ready to visit his mother for dinner. But at the last minute, he remembers that he had made other plans and couldn’t go. So he calls her up and says, ‘Mom, I’m sorry. I know you’ve been cooking all day, and you haven’t seen me in a long time, but I can’t see you for dinner tonight.’

“And the gentile mom cheerfully says. . . ‘Okay.’”

“Second gentile joke!” he says. “A gentile man walks into a clothing store and finds a suit he likes. He asks the salesman how much it costs and the salesman says, ‘$200.’

The gentile man smiles and says, ‘I’ll take it!’

“Third gentile joke! A gentile businessman is walking down the street and sees a friend who asks, ‘Hey, how’s business?’ And the gentile businessman says, ‘Great! Thanks for asking!’”

Now, if you don’t get the joke, that’s okay. Norm MacDonald didn’t get it either when Jerry Seinfeld told it to him [4]. Far be it for me to instruct Seinfeld on how to tell jokes, but he really botched this one. He told only the third part of it, which relies on the least-known Jewish stereotype of the three, and he didn’t realize that the joke only works when told explicitly by a Jew, or, more specifically, a Jewish comedian — and to a presumably Jewish audience. Yes, Jerry Seinfeld is a Jewish comedian, but he wasn’t calling attention to that fact when telling the joke, which is crucial.

I did say the joke was sophisticated, didn’t I?

Here is the joke [5] performed onstage by Rabbi Bob Alper. He may be the author of the joke, I don’t know.

Now, for those who still don’t get it, allow me to explain. In this joke, we are transported to a world in which Jews are the majority and can afford to make fun of gentiles (whom we know are really whites). Jews do this for the same reason whites make fun of Jews in the real world — they violate our sense of normalcy. Only, in this inverted world of the Jewish comedian, it’s Jewish normalcy which gets violated. And what Jewish norms are we talking about? Jewish mothers who pour on the guilt with their children and Jewish men who haggle over petty amounts of money and constantly gripe and kvetch regarding their affairs — three stereotypes that most Jews will happily cop to. In the inverted Jew world, this is all perfectly normal behavior. So when someone (i.e., a white person) violates these norms by behaving in what we know to be a perfectly reasonable manner, Jews will laugh at him for being abnormal.

But not really. In reality, we are laughing at the Jews who are laughing at the whites who are behaving abnormally when they are really behaving normally because it is really the Jews who are abnormal and don’t have the self-awareness to realize it. Only, because it’s a Jew who’s telling the joke in the first place (Alper and Seinfeld), they kind of do. Get it?

Anyway, the takeaway here is not merely how sophisticated a joke can be and still crack a smile. The takeaway is also that white people own what’s normal. We are the sane people in the room. We set the standard for what is reasonable, polite, and proper behavior. Others may violate these norms and laugh at themselves while doing so, but the fact remains that without a white benchmark, Jews and other non-whites would have a much lower norm to deviate from: their own.

This is one reason non-whites are so desperate to come to and stay in traditionally white nations. Whites may not be the funniest people in the world, but at least we’re normal.

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