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New Devil’s Dictionary


Michael Pacher, “The Devil showing St. Augustine the Book of Vices,” ca. 1480

1,008 words

anthropology – study of the human species, filtered through the fancies of its worst examples.

antidepressant – modernity’s choke-collar.

anti-Semitism – a particular sense of responsibility.

baby boomer – burdensome brood of blood-soaked boobs, baked in blasphemy and bathed in balderdash. 

books – increasingly poorly constructed talismans, of dubious magickal effect. 

business – one of the west’s most insatiable gods, whose exoteric cult masks a foreign tribal god.

cell phone – advanced and pervasive communication-disruption device.

Christianity – successful attempt to wed Judaism’s historical fiend to Judaism’s history. 

Christian Zionism – consummation of an arranged interracial rape. 

communication – the art of conveying meaninglessness.

community – once cohesion for the hated creators, replaced by stimulation chemical and electronic, for the enrichment of hating consumers.

dating – process promising union, masking transaction. 

daycare – an effective swing of the family-felling axe. 

defense – landslide offense. 

democracy – a system by which oligarchy lets its subjects choose the non-negotiable agenda’s face. 

Democrat – a Republican with a big tent. 

development – malls, multiplied. 

diversity – a high degree of dictated heterogeneous friction, necessary for the comfort of its homogenous handler.

economy – ceiling, walls, and floor of all socio-political consciousness. 

education – method by which children learn that up is down and verse-vicea.

energy drink – nectar of the clods.

English – a language largely unused today, except in certain parts of eastern Europe and Asia.

equality – point during man’s fall where his throat falls within subman’s reach.

EU – Europe’s margins, united to bleed Europe’s heart.

Europe – a light unto the world, upon whose power cord rodents gnaw. 

evangelism – spiritual Special Olympics.

faith – a jerk of the spirit’s knee. 

family – society’s cornerstone, now on a chopping-block. 

forum – opiate of the asses. 

freedom – enforced ubiquitous-ness of merchants’ brands.

gay – state-protected publicizing of private inclinations.

generation x – first generation raised without beliefs, and the last to play outside.

generation y – first generation raised digitally, and the last to be employed. 

Germany – subsidizer of Europe, and of Europe’s enemy. 

graduate school – a wholly factitious exercise whereby half-men hammer half-wits into quartermasters of half-truths.

greatest generation – generation judged holy on one continent and unholy on another.

green – White.

hate – persistent love of something real.

healthcare1. a ton of cure where an ounce of prevention would do. 2. the cure to prevention’s low cost.

history – rose-colored recounting of criminal statistics.

Hitler – a demon, for whom even the devil himself checks under his bed.

Hollywood – first Reich of the most equal pigs.

Holocaust – legend and faith for all times and peoples, but payable to one only.

homeland – aggregation of all cell blocks.

ICP – a revolution of the proletoilet. 

information – trivia, trafficked in by pedants and controlled by parasites. 

iPod – plugs for the prevention of participation.

insanity – maladaptive awareness. 

integration – alien rogues’ mad dreams, set to white children’s screams.

internet – bazaar in which freedom’s booth is constantly checked for its permit. 

intolerance – excuse for water’s refusal to cohabitate with oil.

Islam – connecting fiber of Middle Eastern hornet’s nest, that strengthens when poked.

Israel – the Emperor’s new laundromat.

Jewish –  everything and nothing.

justice – show trial of truth in the name of the Big Lie.

learning disability – a projection of the flaws of the supremely teaching-disabled onto purpose-built learning machines.

library1. mausoleum of culture’s greats. 2. installation of private porno booths provided for the poor.

marriage – most common form of female-male rape. 

middle-class – segment of America ranging from poor to loaded.

militia – contingent of citizens possessing typical implements of a farmer in atypical portions.

modern art – the spectrum of displayed disorder from experimental to excremental.

modernity – a dark age, well lit.

multiculturalism1. excellent condition for the elimination of culture. 2. the mutilation of perfectly good round pegs for the sake of square holes

Nazi – a laudable resister.

Occupy movement – the handling of the 99% by the 1%.

organic – the new name for food.

Pax Americana – extrapolation of corner-store hold-up philosophy to global scale. 

philosophy – a love of subjectivity and verbal inefficiency. 

poor – secret identity of America’s middle-class. 

popular music – the spectrum of negro noise from barbaric to baboonish.

psychology – the mind, seen from the bottom.

racism1. foresight and consideration extending to one’s extended-extended-family. 2. one breed’s verbal nuke against another.

Republican – a Democrat waving a cross.

retirement – sky-castle, whose connecting beanstalk ever wilts.

sanity – adaptive blindness. 

security – freedom from freedom.

social networking – technology the antisocial relish, the asocial snoop with, and the social shun.

Spanish – one of the least-spoken languages in the USA.

sports – System-approved displays of aggression by local zoo escapees.

suburbs – human settlements minus human engineering.

Tea Party movement – prisoners who try to escape from a jail without breaking its rules.

technology – the product of the right hand’s unchecked unconscious. 

television – socially acceptable breaking-and-entering.

terror1. a last ditch effort against mercantile encroachment. 2. stage show directed and produced by plutocracy.

tolerance – one breed’s intolerance, enforced.

university1. much noise, signifying nothing, providing less and costing much. 2. religiously prescribed indoctrination pill, best washed down with beer.

USA – the world’s policeman, whose donut-devouring will soon catch up with him.

video gaming – an air-tank for the gasping spirit, filled with CO.

war – continuation of commerce by honest means. 

warrior – a fool lured by money to fight for rogues.

wealth – fraud’s fruit, necessary condition for political action.

weblog – a leaking container of hazardous mental waste.

western civilization1. Aryan culture’s fossilized remains. 2. floor on which buffoons dance.

youth – formerly time in life joyfully but regrettably misspent, now a lifetime pursuit of misspent time.

youth culture – rotting cross-section from culture’s felling.

Zionism – patriotism of the most equal pigs.